Philadelphia Eagles

REPORT: Eagles interested in trade for Alshon Jeffery, all other NFL wide receivers
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Will Alshon Jeffery be a member of the Eagles this year?

Philadelphia, PA – Reports are slowing leaking out of Philadelphia that Eagles GM Howie Roseman may be looking to make a little magic happen before the NFL’s trade deadline on Nov. 1, 4 p.m.

Reports have come into the Coggin Toboggan claiming the Philadelphia Eagles are looking to make a deal to acquire every wide receiver in the NFL and are willing to give up multiple draft picks to do so.

The Eagles are reportedly interested in Alshon Jeffery, Torrey Smith, Odel Beckham Jr., Antonio Brown, Julio Jones, DeAndre Hopkins, AJ Green, Steve Smith Sr., Victor Cruz, Desean Jackson, Demarius Thomas, Pierre Garcon, Will Fuller V, Dez Bryant, Jordy Nelson, Doug Baldwin, Emmanuel Sanders, Terrell Pryor Sr., John Brown, Michael Floyd, Tavon Austin, Kenny Britt, Cody Latimer, Marqise Lee, Larry Fitzgerald, Willie Snead, Golden Tate and several others.

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Classic overreaction on its way…

tumblr_mou8y9bxwc1sqwnloo1_500Well that’s it. It was fun while it lasted. Carson Wentz is officially a bust and the Eagles are a bunch of frauds. Sure they’re 3-2, but they’ll probably lose out for the rest of the season and finish 3-13. WE’RE BACK TO THE DARK DAYS, PEOPLE. Get down on your knees and pray to the God of your choice, because nothing is going to help us now.

I’m not in Philadelphia, but I’m sure Angelo Cataldi has already had multiple on air heart attacks and a debilitating stroke about the Eagles loss. Did he try and blame Malcolm Jenkins for DARING to raise his hand during the National Anthem a few weeks ago? I’m sure he did.

It’s all over people. It was a good few weeks wasn’t it? We were all feeling great about the Eagles, feeling our oats, crowing about our franchise QB….now we lose to a team with a racist name who didn’t even have their best player on offense.

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Nigel Bradham detained at Detroit Metropolitan Airport for machete, clown suit in luggage
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Nigel has some explaining to do.

Detroit, Michigan – Eagles linebacker Nigel Bradham may be looking at a hefty suspension from the franchise or the NFL, as the young athlete was again detained at an airport for having a weapon in his carry on luggage.

Bradham was stopped by security at the screening line when TSA employees found a machete, a clown suit and grease paint in the carry-on bag he had placed on the metal detector conveyor belt.

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?
abbott2020cos

Two real assholes.

Well folks, let’s face it. Our guest pickers weren’t going to go 16-0 on both their win/loss and spread predictions, but we’re still on track to go 16-0 against the spread this season DESPITE Abbot and Costello not being bullish two weeks ago about the Eagles chances against Pittsburgh.

The Eagles really showed them up and proved they were a team to be reckoned with in the NFL. I’m sure those deceased comedians are rolling over in their graves after picking against the mighty Birds. THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO TRY AND PICK NFL GAMES. GO BACK TO WRITING COMEDY BITS THAT STAND THE TEST OF TIME AND STILL DELIGHT FANS EVERYWHERE TO THIS DAY, YOU PIECES OF GARBAGE.

Leave the football picks to the professionals.

This week the Eagles (3-0) travel to lovely Detroit, the crown jewel of Michigan, to take on the Lions (1-3).

Here’s our record so far:

Win/Loss prediction record: 2-1

Against the spread: 3-0

But who have we brought in to make the week 3 pick? Will they take the Eagles (-3) or the lowly Lions? We decided to bring in the host of a modestly popular television show in Detroit to see if he can steer our readers in the right direction. But who are we talking about?

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PETA to Carson Wentz: ‘Less real hunting, more hunting for a Super Bowl’

voila_capture-2016-09-29_08-45-37_amThis unpublished press release has been intercepted by our moles working in the PETA national office. Apparently the animal-loving organization is turning its hateful eyes on Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz after a recent photo of him hunting deer during the bye week hit the Twitter-verse.

It’s a bold new foray into sports for the animal rights organization and it’s likely to ruffle some feathers in this city. What do you think?

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Jim Schwartz rewards himself with relaxing fugue state after each game
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Fugued out.

Philadelphia, PA – Defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz did not meet with media after the Eagles 34-3 win over the Pittsburgh Steelers. The intensely devoted Schwartz instead chose to take some time for himself, unwind, and place himself in a nice fugue state to calm down after the stress of coaching an NFL game.

Schwartz typically will retire to room 57-B in bowels of Lincoln Financial Field after a game, find a nice spot in the corner of the room, and face the wall for hours at a time until he loses all conscious thought and memory of self.

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?
Bobby Hoying

Last week’s picker, Bobby Hoying, went 2-0 in his predictions. Will this week’s guest picker keep the good times rolling?

Wow, what a start to the season so far. Our guest pickers are both 2-0 against the spread and win/loss predictions, and for the first time in ages my bookie hasn’t left threatening voicemails on my cell phone demanding I pay up what I owe him. I’M ON A BISCUIT TRAIN WITH GRAVY WHEELS, so let’s keep the good times rolling.

Last week, Bobby Hoying nailed his picks and didn’t disappoint in his column. Accurate prediction? Check. Casual racism? Check. High on cocaine? Double check. He’s a Philadelphia legend, that’s for sure.

Things get tougher this week with the Eagles (+3.5) hosting the Pittsburgh Steelers and their jailbird roster at 4:25 p.m. this Sunday.

Here’s our record so far:

Win/Loss prediction record: 2-0

Against the spread: 2-0

But who have we brought in to make the week 3 pick? Will they keep the good times rolling?

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Anthony Gargano reportedly struggling to craft perfect love letter
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The lovelorn Gargano is struggling to wrangle his romantic thoughts to the page.

Philadelphia, PA – Gingerly rubbing the temples of his head with his sausage-like fingers, 97.5 the Fanatic Morning Show host Anthony Gargano reported Monday that he had not slept at all the night prior, his mind bursting forth with tenderness and love.

However, the transfer of his beautiful prose and thoughts of fancy from his mind to paper had proved fruitless, as the uncultured mamaluke struggled to craft the perfect love letter to Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz, who is 2-0 on the season and proving to be “the real deal.”

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Carson Wentz can’t stop saying “Da Bears,” annoying everyone
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Bill Swerski and his Super Fans.

Chicago, Illinois – Perhaps running on adrenaline and nervous energy leading up to his first Monday Night Football game, sources have confirmed that Carson Wentz cannot stop quoting lines from the Saturday Night Live recurring “Super Fans” sketch, popularized in the early 90s by George Wendt and Chris Farley.

The recurring sketch, “Bill Swerski’s Super Fans,” popularized the catchphrase “Daaaaaa Bears,” which has become a prominent saying in sports lexicon. Wentz, sources have noted, has approximately said the phrase close to 50 times during the morning walk through, quarterbacks meeting and media session.

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

WheelerWhat a debut last week from our inaugural picker for the 2016-2017 Philadelphia Eagles season. Chris Wheeler just BACK LEGGED it out of the park for us, successfully predicting the Eagles would defeat the Browns and cover the spread in week one.

That magnificent toupeed bastard looked middle in and absolutely crushed his prediction.

But we tread on, bringing in yet another special guest to make our picks in week 2. Will he or she be as spot on as Wheels was in week 1? We’ll see Monday night when the Eagles take on the Bears during Monday Night Football (ALLLLLLLL YOUR ROWDY FRIENDS ON MONDAY NIGHT) in week 2.

Here’s our record so far:

Win/Loss prediction record: 1-0

Against the spread: 1-0

But who have we brought in to make the week 2 pick? Will they keep the good times rolling?

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