Nick Foles

Disillusioned Nick Foles excited for Rams to shore up O-Line with 1st pick

Foles

Los Angeles, Calif. – LA Rams quarterback Nick Foles was reportedly elated over the news that the Rams had successfully traded several draft picks to move up to the first pick in the 2016 NFL, as he assumed the team would likely pick one of several highly touted offensive linemen to help his development as the team’s starting quarterback.

Foles said a polished, blue chip tackle will be exactly what the Rams need going into the 2016-2017 season with him leading the squad as the starting quarterback.

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Buzz Bissinger announces ‘Power of Positivity’ Philadelphia Inquirer column

buzz-bissingerPhiladelphia, PA – In stunning news today, noted curmudgeon and extraordinarily talented journalist Buzz Bissinger announced he would be “looking on the brighter side of life and sports” in a new column he will be writing for the Philadelphia Inquirer.

The column, which will be called “The Power of Positvity and Beyond” will appear daily in the Inquirer and will focus on the lighter side of sports.

“I feel like I’ve been just putting out too much negative energy into the universe for the past several decades. Sure my work is thought provoking, interesting and award winning, but there’s more to life than just ground breaking journalism and hard hitting news. I want to start focusing on the great things this world and this city has to offer,” Bissinger said. “Like the effort from the Phillies this year. Can we give them a round of applause? They came out and played hard each game. Great organization.”

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Lesean McCoy: Chip Kelly made black players pick weeds out of field before practice

mccoyBuffalo, NY – Chip Kelly, former Eagles running back, continued his media tour and leveled several harsh criticisms at Chip Kelly in a recent interview with ESPN the Magazine.

Several of McCoy’s comments could be construed calling his former head coach a racist.

“Prior to every practice, Chip would make all of the black players pick weeds out of the field before practice. He ordered us to sing old-school spirituals as well. He did it every single practice and the white players would just sit there and watch us. He was awful. I remember he gave Nick Foles a whip and told him to use it liberally if we didn’t get everything finished 10 minutes prior to practice,” Kelly told the bewildered ESPN reporter.

While all evidence points to the contrary and no video exists of such an order, McCoy doubled down and said Kelly would keep him in chains in the NovaCare Complex, only to release him on game days and for team practices.

When called out on his claims for being in no way truthful by several of his current Buffalo Bills teammates who overheard the interview and were horrified by his statements, McCoy said he may have misremembered things.

“Look, it was a long time ago, I might be mistaken. Ok, MAYBE he didn’t make us pick weeds before practice or keep me in chains, but he was a dick. Plain and simple. And being a dick is just as bad as being a racist, I think we can all agree on that,” he said.

Nobody agreed with him.

As of press time, Eagles fans were arguing if McCoy’s statements today were worse than when he claimed Andy Reid forcibly drafted him from the University of Pittsburgh and shipped him to Philadelphia in an old wooden boat.

Rumor: Eagles planning a blockbuster trade with St. Louis Rams

Young hotshot quarterback Nick Foles is apparently on the Eagles radar.

Young hotshot quarterback Nick Foles is apparently on the Eagles radar.

Philadelphia, PA – In an off season with a number of controversial moves and signings, rumor has it the Philadelphia Eagles are planning on trying to complete a blockbuster trade with the St. Louis Rams.

Sources are telling the Coggin that the Eagles are planning to trade Sam Bradford to the Cleveland Browns for their first round pick, and then package their first round pick and ship both to the St. Louis Rams for quarterback Nick Foles.

“Word has it that Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly loves the kid….he’d do anything to get Foles. I’ve never seen him higher on another quarterback,” An anonymous source told the Coggin.

Chip Kelly did not confirm or deny the reports, but he did give a wink to a reporter when asked the question.

It would be a stunning turn of events, as the Eagles would position themselves to acquire a potential franchise quarterback to build their organization around for years to come. It would come at a high cost, but if one is to believe Kelly’s game plan, a quarterback like Foles is someone you can’t undervalue.

As of press time, Kelly was also make inquiries to the Buffalo Bills as to the availability of young running back Lesean McCoy. He was rumored to have offered the Eagles 2016 first round pick and inside linebacker Kiko Alonso.

It’s Friday the 13th. Who would be doomed? (hint: everyone)

Quick, everyone run into that abandoned hospital, we'll be safe in there.

Quick, everyone run into that abandoned hospital, we’ll be safe in there.

If there’s one thing we love at the Coggin Toboggan almost as much as we love Philadelphia sports, it’s horror movies. Today, of course, is Friday the 13th, the infamous date of one of the longest running horror franchises in movie history. Hell, we’re up to 11 original movies and a reboot, with more in sight, so why not take a look at some local Philadelphia sports figures and give our best estimations on whether or not they’d survive one of the Friday the 13th movies?

We’ll just run this down list style, and after taking a look at some of these losers I don’t think there’s going to be much of a chance for any of them.

We’ve given this a lot of thought and have really looked at the following figures and their intangibles, so lets see who will survive and who will die a gruesome, gruesome death.

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Stephen A. Smith: These are the moves of someone who is not, NOT a racist

Stephen A. Smith looking his best on ESPN First Take.

Stephen A. Smith looking his best on ESPN First Take.

Philadelphia, PA – Continuing a three day tirade against Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly, Stephen A. Smith tripled down today on his “entertaining” First Take show on ESPN 9. Smith had several harsh words for the trade the Eagles completed, bringing in Sam Bradford for Nick Foles and a bevy of picks.

“Are these the moves that a man who isn’t a bigot would make? ARE THEY?!” Smith screamed at co-host Skip Bayless, spraying flicks of spittle on his face.

“Where’s the brother involved in this deal? Why does he never trade for a black man? If this were the 1950s he’d be manning the hoses as he washed all of the African Americans out of that locker room,” he screamed into the camera.

“But don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying anything, you just have to read between the lines with me. I’m subtle like that, isn’t that right Skip?” Smith said, somehow still yelling during a calm moment of the show.

Bayless tried to answer Smith, but couldn’t be heard over the loud boos raining down on him from outside of the studio.

“I know Philadelphia. I love Philadelphia, and Philly loves me,” Smith said, despite the fact that he is abhorred by the majority of sports fans in the city, who wouldn’t slow down on the street to help him up if he fell and broke his hip. “I speak for the city, and man, they are not happy with this old guard, deep south fool.”

Bayless cackled along with Smith, nodding his head vigorously.

“I even have a source telling me that Kelly put an order down recently for at least five purebred German shepherds. You know who loves those dogs. But I’m not saying anything, I’m not,” He said, winking at the camera as he pointed to a Confederate flag.

Smith wrapped up the segment and immediately had his contract re-upped by ESPN for another 10 years.

Philadelphia put on 24-hour suicide watch

RIP.

RIP.

Philadelphia, PA – Following a day that saw Nick Foles and several draft picks traded for oft-injured quarterback Sam Bradford, the city of Philadelphia has been placed on a 24-hour suicide watch.

“We feel that with everything going on with the Eagles right now, this measure must be taken,” Mayor Michael Nutter said. “Calls have flooded into city hall since last night, detailing instances of city sports fan feeling depressed and not knowing if it’s worth going on.”

As such, city residents have had their shoelaces confiscated and their bed sheets removed to make sure no hangings take place in the next 24 hours.

BREAKING NEWS:

The suicide watch has since been expanded to 72 hours after the news that Ryan Mathews was signed by the Eagles this morning and former Gov. Ed Rendell was found dead in his home from a shotgun blast to the head.

Sam Bradford tears both ACLs and dislocates elbow answering his cell phone

Sam B

Sam Bradford in his natural state.

St. Louis, MO – Hustling to answer his ringing cell phone yesterday, newly acquired quarterback bumped into a footstool and simultaneously tore both ACLs in his knees.

As he tumbled to the floor, the 27 year old quarterback gruesomely dislocated the elbow of his throwing arm, the joint bending in the wrong direction at a 90 degree angle.

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Editor’s Note: It’s safe to assume Chip Kelly has a brain disease

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Just awful. I think I’d be happier if it had been confirmed that Chip Kelly was a racist instead of the move he just made.

Chip Kelly has gone insane. INSANE. Really not a lot to say anymore. This move was the move of a syphilitic brained man who has too much power and nobody to keep him in check.

Chip Kelly is now the the John E. DuPont of the NFL. He has slowly descended into madness, until one day for no reason he decides to take a ride in his car and pull up to both Lesean McCoy and Nick Foles to shoot them both in the stomach.

Chip KellyDo you have a problem with me?! ::shoots both Foles and McCoy::

Sam Bradford and a 2nd round pick for Nick Foles. Bradford hasn’t played in a game since 2013. His best season saw him throw 21 touchdown passes (when he had two healthy knees). He’s not mobile and won’t be gaining any mobility coming off a second knee surgery.

Nick Foles never played a game last season where he started behind an intact offensive line, yet still went 6-2.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Chip Kelly: Hinkie did what? God damnit…get me Foles and a whore that can dance

Chip Kelly, perhaps gone mad with power.

Chip Kelly, perhaps gone mad with power.

Philadelphia, PA – Hearing that 76ers GM Sam Hinkie seized the spotlight again, just one day after the Eagles completed a blockbuster trade that saw franchise running back Lesean McCoy shipped to Buffalo for linebacker Kiko Alonso, Chip Kelly was seen destroying his office at the Novacare Complex in front of a cowering Howie Roseman.

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