A rare sight, DeMarco Murray with his helmet on and holding a football.
Philadelphia, PA – DeMarco Murray heard from the NFL front office Tuesday morning and learned he will receive a one game suspension for his horrendous inactions during Sunday night’s blowout loss against the Cardinals.
The league suspended Murray for his “egregious disregard to playing the game of football” and for multiple “deep shoulder shrugs” and “eye rolls” directed towards the heavens.
St. Louis, MO – Current free-agent wide receiver Wes Welker, who enjoyed many fine years with the Patriots and Broncos before suffering several severe concussions, worked out for the St. Louis Rams today in hopes of rejuvenating his stalled career.
The 34-year-old wide receiver has worked out for several teams this year and the last, having not played a game in the NFL since 2014.
He continues to express disbelief that he is not employed by an NFL team, who may be wary of signing the once elite receiver due to his history of concussions.
“I strongly believe I should still be in the National Federation Football League. The doctors say my brain function may not do too good, but I can still catch that dogskin with the best of them. Just give me a chance and I can lead this organization in catching feet, I tell you,” He told several assembled reporters at the Rams practice facility.
All around good guy Greg Hardy.
Dallas, Texas – Controversial Dallas Cowboys defensive end found an ally with ESPN football analyst Stephen A. Smith Tuesday afternoon, as Smith publicly stated his support for Hardy and his role in a sideline scuffle with a Cowboys special teams coach.
Hardy, who was suspended the first four games of the season due to allegedly beating his girlfriend last year, thanked Smith for his support before picking him up over his head and callously tossing him down onto a pile of handguns and assault rifles.
“It’s nice to have someone on my side when so many people have me pegged as a thug and a miscreant,” Hardy said from his home as he rained blows down upon Smith, who was cowering atop the pile of deadly weapons. “I’d like to thank Stephen for his candor and not screaming for help loudly enough for my neighbors to hear this.”
Ray Lewis opened up for the first time about his role in a 2000 Atlanta murder in a recently ghost-written autobiography. The Hall of Fame linebacker, two-time super bowl champion, and current ESPN analyst devotes an entire chapter to the incident that saw him charged, but ultimately found not guilty, of the murder of two individuals in a club during Super Bowl weekend.
According to police reports, Lewis and several members of his entourage engaged in a fight with two individuals who were ultimately stabbed and killed by either Lewis or a member of his entourage. Despite giving a false statement to police, Lewis was found not guilty. Joseph Sweeting and Reginald Oakley, friends of Lewis, were acquitted of murder and assault charges.
Of the incident, Lewis wrote he never would have murdered someone while wearing such expensive clothes.
Cool pose, bruh.
New York, NY – Steve Weatherford, unemployed punter, took to Twitter this afternoon and lambasted Philadelphia for its lack of championships.
The ex-professional punter, who carefully crafted and selected the wording to the numerous tweets he published yesterday and today, has plenty of time on his hands to perfect his trolling tweets as he is currently not good enough to cut it on any of the 32 NFL rosters.
The ex-punter, who is not in any way depressed or angered that no team wants his services, publicly supported the New York Giants on several social media platforms. His old team will come into Philadelphia for tonight’s Monday Night Football week 6 match up.
Philadelphia, PA – A dirty and disheveled Tony Siragusa is still wandering around the end zone of Lincoln Financial Field four days after the conclusion of Sunday’s Eagles vs. Saints game.
The former defensive tackle. now announcer, has been shambling around both end zones of the Linc for the better part of this week, speaking in hushed tones to himself and shying away the from worried security guards who have tried to wrangle him several times.
The announcer has been periodically speaking into an impromptu microphone made out of a discarded soda cup and gesticulating wildly to invisible television cameras.
New York, NY – Representatives for the National Football League have officially denied quarterback Eli Manning’s request to wear a pink thong for Monday night’s game against the Philadelphia Eagles, and for the remaining games in the 2015-2016 season.
Manning officially made his request to the league office today, asking for special permission to wear the pink Victoria’s Secret “Date no-show thong” under his official uniform for the remainder of the season.
Philadelphia, PA – Newly signed kicker Caleb Sturgis had some strong words for the sometimes harsh Philadelphia Eagles fans and told them all to “preach patience” until he became familiar with the intricacies of kicking at Lincoln Financial Field.
“I know Eagles fans can be a little ‘saucy’ at times and may have a bad reputation for throwing batteries at Santa, but I’m no pushover. Just cool it with the harsh talk and potential cat calls until I get a chance to prove myself and figure out the wind patterns at the Linc.”
Sturgis then pointed his finger into the camera and gave it a stern look.
“I’m not joshing. Just try me, Eagles fans. Really, just try me. I don’t put up with any bunk.”
Coach told me it’s normal to bleed from the ears.
Bubby Brister. Solid, solid name. His name game was on absolute point for his two seasons as a Philadelphia Eagle, starting 16 games over the course of 1993 and 1994 after Randall Cunningham’s legs exploded into a million pieces (or something like that).
Just look at that face. Perpetually confused, a fine head of hair, a firm squint from his 800 confirmed concussions, Brister had all of the makings of a starting quarterback in the late 80s and early 90s. He defied all expectations and played in absolutely no notable games or provided any fun memories for hundreds of thousands of fans that saw him play over his FOURTEEN SEASON CAREER. He played from 1986 to 2000!
Maybe he’s not so bad, after all?
Dallas, Texas – Jerry Jones, the flamboyant owner and GM of the Dallas Cowboys, came out for the first time today and publicly decried the banner flown over the Eagles practice this past Sunday afternoon.
The banner, flown over Lincoln Financial Field during a public practice, displayed the message “”WE STILL DEM BOYZ!!!! #SACKSCOMIN” to the thousands of fans standing during the National Anthem.
Fan welcomed the banner with hearty boos, as expected, but Jones had a somewhat surprising reaction to the ploy by Hardy.
Jones described it as an “absolutely despicable display from Greg Hardy.”
The Coggin Toboggan 