Jahlil Okafor

REPORT: 76ers jealous of Sacramento Kings stability

nerlens-noel-pacersPhiladelphia, PA – After blowing a late fourth quarter loss to the Sacramento Kings, several members of the 76ers looked longingly towards the Kings bench and wondered what it would be like to be part of a stable franchise.

The Kings are currently nine games under .500.

“Look at them. One star center, a few complimentary pieces, it must be nice to play in Sacramento day in and day out,” Jahlil Okafor said of the Kings, who for the past month have publicly leaked reports about firing despised veteran head George Karl and have players openly rebel against the franchise.

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Sam Hinkie caught trying to make several trades out of spite

sam-hinkiePhiladelphia, PA – 76ers staff and executive had to forcibly break the door down of Sam Hinkie’s office Thursday evening, as the general manager reportedly tried to trade several members of the current roster for next to nothing.

Behind the barricaded door to his office, 76ers executives could hear Hinkie having a discussion with the Los Angeles Lakers that would have sent Jahlil Okafor to the west coast for Nick Young and a second round pick in return.

Hinkie is reportedly “not pleased” with the hiring of Jerry Colangelo, as several pundits think the move to bring on Colangelo will signal the end of Hinkie’s employment with the Sixers.

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76ers hire Thunderlips as a bodyguard for Jahlil Okafor

thunderlipsPhiladelphia, PA – To ensure the talented, but immature, Jahlil Okafor does not get into anymore trouble and put himself into negative situations, the 76ers announced Thursday morning that  three-year deal has been struck with Thunderlips, the ultimate male, to be his bodyguard.

“To all my love slaves out there, Thunderlips is here! In the flesh, baby! The ultimate male,” he said, stroking his luscious blonde hair.

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Okafor: ‘At least it’s not raining!’ minutes before being indicted for treason

76ers-center-jahlil-okaforPhiladelphia, PA – Not believing his rash of bad luck in the past week, 76ers center looked skyward after news released of his traffic stop on the Ben Franklin Bridge for driving 108 MPH and jokingly told his teammates “at least it’s not raining!” before going to field questions from the media.

Minutes later CIA agents were arresting the embattled rookie for high treason against the U.S. government.

“We had reason to believe Mr. Okafor was selling some of our most sensitive nuclear secrets to the Chinese,” said CIA spokesman Richard Grant. “After a high tech sting with some of our highest operatives, we have reached the rock-solid conclusion that he is one of America’s greatest internal enemies.”

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76ers pumped to learn they actually get to keep jerseys

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – Despite losing their 12th game in a row to open the 2015-2016 NBA season, morale in the 76ers locker room remained high after Brett Brown informed the team they would indeed be allowed to keep their jerseys after the season ended.

“No fooling? You mean I get to keep this jersey? That is just way too cool!” 76ers rookie TJ McConnell said to Brown. “That is so killer! I’m going to wear this everywhere I go, awesome! It even has my last name on the back of it, just like the pros wear!”

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76ers Jahlil Okafor verbally commits to Duke

76ers-center-jahlil-okaforPhiladelphia, PA – After the 76ers dropped their eighth game in a row to open the season, the franchise received some good news for one of its athletes.

Jahlil Okafor, currently the only bright spot in an otherwise dim season, told 76ers representatives he had reach a verbal agreement to return to Duke University this season.

“Great for Jahlil. He deserves to play for a winning franchise,” GM Sam Hinkie said. “We couldn’t be happier for him. It’s a great career move for him and will really help him turn into the basketball player he wants to be.”

Okafor said he couldn’t wait for the NCAA season to begin.

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Just sit back and enjoy each 76ers loss, the most entertaining team in the city

76ers logoI’ve watched 16 minutes of the first period of the Flyers game against the Edmonton Oilers, who are 4-8, and have outshot the Flyers by 16-2 so far.

The Eagles are so bad this season the fan base practically begged the Eagles to seriously consider parting ways with draft picks to trade for Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick was benched this week in favor of backup QB Blaine Gabbert, the very same Blaine Gabbert who has thrown more interceptions in his professional career than touchdowns.

They want him to replace Sam Bradford. Bradford has the longest sleeves in the NFL. That’s the only positive you can mention about him this season.

It’s going to be a shitty winter. Perhaps Phil Connors said it best, “I’ll give you a winter prediction: It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”

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Despite much needed reinforcements, Lebron James’ hairline making a hasty retreat

LebronPhiladelphia, PA – Two wars were being waged Monday evening, 76ers fans noted, as Lebron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers came into Philadelphia to take on the 76ers.

As Lebron took on the 76ers at the Wells Fargo Court, his hairline also waged battle against the ravages of age and male pattern baldness.

“What a talent, but he really needs to just give it up and shave his head already,” said Johnathan Ames, who was taking in the game with his young son. “More money than he could ever spend in one lifetime and he has the hairline of an 80 year old man. Really makes you think”

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Hinkie congratulates Okafor on fabulous debut, trades him to New York

76ers-center-jahlil-okaforBoston, Mass – Jahlil Okafor had his coming out party last night, scoring 26 points and snatching 7 rebounds in a 95-112 loss to the Boston Celtics, showcasing the offensive prowess that attracted so many teams to him in the NBA Draft.

76ers GM Sam Hinkie addressed the media after the game and was over the moon about Okafor’s performance.

“Jahlil showed everyone tonight why he had so much attention going into the 2015 draft. He absolutely dominated the low post and the center of the floor tonight, he was everything we expected and much, much more,” the beaming Hinkie said. “Which is why this next announcement is so hard for us to make.”

Hinkie revealed the 76ers traded Okafor after the game to the New York Knicks for center Lou Amundson and a second round pick in 2017.

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Newest 76er Jahlil Okafor trashes greenroom after draft interview

OkaforBrooklyn, NY – Smiling for the cameras and an interview with ESPN, newest 76er Jahlil Okafor vehemently denied reports his agent asked Philadelphia to not draft the Duke center, as he did not want to be part of a rebuilding process with the organization.

“No, no that’s absolutely false. I am thrilled to be with the Philadelphia 76ers and I cannot wait to begin my career with such a storied franchise. I am beyond happy to get on the court next year and help this team become the best it can be. Will you excuse me for just a minute?” Okafor said, abruptly ending his draft interview with an ESPN draft reporter.

The smiling Okafor calmly walked into a greenroom and closed the door, after which several observers said they heard loud crashes and a number of highly offensive expletives coming from the staging area.

“Whyyyyy, whyyyyyyyy, WHYYYYYYYYYYY! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!” Okafor was heard screaming from the room.

After several minutes of yelling, smashing, and what sounded like quiet sobbing, the still smiling Okafor exited the greenroom and said he just needed a few minutes to reflect on the momentous night.