Eagles

Miles Austin fails physical to join Eagles food craft service team

Philadelphia, PA – After being transported from emergency surgery for a torn hamstring and two snapped ulnas, Miles Austin made it to Philadelphia and promptly failed a physical to join the Eagles food craft service.

Austin was brought in to fill the void created when Susie Gold retired from her longtime post at the hotdog stand in the main atrium of the stadium. It was found after a lengthy examination by team doctors that Austin could not be expected to withstand the rigors of 8 days of employment during the upcoming season.

“We found Mr. Austin could not remain standing in an upright position for 30 consecutive minutes and failed several tests to bring down a bag of hotdog buns from a supply shelf two feet over his head,” said Peter F. DeLuca, head orthopaedic surgeon for the Philadelphia Eagles. “He suffered from large spans of vertigo and asked where he was several times during the interview process.”

The deal would have brought him in to serve hotdogs for each home game at a rate of $7 per hour.

Despite failing the physical, Austin said he would not quit his dream to get back into football at any capacity.

As of press time, Austin was hit by a hot dog bun delivery truck as he left the stadium.

Despite perfect health, Chip Kelly is urging Marcus Smith to think things over

Looking a little woozy, ehh Marcus?

Philadelphia, PA – Following the abrupt retirement of San Francisco rookie linebacker Chris Borland, Chip Kelly reportedly contacted Marcus Smith yesterday afternoon to advise the second year linebacker to “think things over” and “to put his health above everything else.”

“You don’t know what’s going to happen, Marcus. Anything can happen in this crazy game and I really think you need to think of your family and friends. Take a long, hard look at your career, I’d hate to see you make a mistake,” Kelly said, reportedly with an arm around Smith as the two walked down the Novacare Center.

Smith was visibly confused at Kelly’s request, as the slightly-used and disappointing rookie was perfectly healthy at the end of last season and had suffered no setbacks whatsoever during the off season.

Kelly remarked that Smith was walking with a visible limp, despite the rookie walking with a perfectly fine gait.

“How are those knees? I see you’re wobbling a bit there, maybe some post concussion symptoms that may still be lingering around from the season?” Kelly asked, despite Smith having suffered no concussions this past year. “Just think it over big guy. I respect you way too much to put you out on that field when your health is suffering like this.”

As of press time, Kelly was diagnosing Smith with chronic traumatic encephalopathy and was drafting up his retirement papers and forging his signature.

Meet the new Philadelphia Eagles

Philadelphia, PA – Following one of the most storied days in free agency history in Philadelphia, the Eagles have two new prized running backs that will be taking the field in 2015-2016.

Chip Kelly and company inked both Demarco Murray and Ryan Mathews to substantial contracts for the upcoming seasons. Sure, we know what they can do on the field, but what about the men behind the facemasks?

The CT has collected a detailed look on both Murray and Mathews. Here are several facts that you may not know about the two newest Philadelphia Eagles.

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Philadelphia put on 24-hour suicide watch

RIP.

Philadelphia, PA – Following a day that saw Nick Foles and several draft picks traded for oft-injured quarterback Sam Bradford, the city of Philadelphia has been placed on a 24-hour suicide watch.

“We feel that with everything going on with the Eagles right now, this measure must be taken,” Mayor Michael Nutter said. “Calls have flooded into city hall since last night, detailing instances of city sports fan feeling depressed and not knowing if it’s worth going on.”

As such, city residents have had their shoelaces confiscated and their bed sheets removed to make sure no hangings take place in the next 24 hours.

BREAKING NEWS:

The suicide watch has since been expanded to 72 hours after the news that Ryan Mathews was signed by the Eagles this morning and former Gov. Ed Rendell was found dead in his home from a shotgun blast to the head.

Editor’s Note: It’s safe to assume Chip Kelly has a brain disease

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Just awful. I think I’d be happier if it had been confirmed that Chip Kelly was a racist instead of the move he just made.

Chip Kelly has gone insane. INSANE. Really not a lot to say anymore. This move was the move of a syphilitic brained man who has too much power and nobody to keep him in check.

Chip Kelly is now the the John E. DuPont of the NFL. He has slowly descended into madness, until one day for no reason he decides to take a ride in his car and pull up to both Lesean McCoy and Nick Foles to shoot them both in the stomach.

Do you have a problem with me?! ::shoots both Foles and McCoy::

Sam Bradford and a 2nd round pick for Nick Foles. Bradford hasn’t played in a game since 2013. His best season saw him throw 21 touchdown passes (when he had two healthy knees). He’s not mobile and won’t be gaining any mobility coming off a second knee surgery.

Nick Foles never played a game last season where he started behind an intact offensive line, yet still went 6-2.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Dimwitted Jason Babin eagerly awaiting trade to Eagles

Moron.

New York, NY – With so many moves being made over the weekend, dunderheaded defensive end Jason Babin has been sitting eagerly by his phone since Sunday evening, convinced the Eagles will be contacting him soon to reunite the 2011 dream team.

“Do you see what those guys are doing? They’re spending all of this money, they’re bringing the dream team back together!” The dimwitted Babin said. “I can’t wait to get back in that locker room. Those guys loved me.”

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Leaked: Eagles 2015 free agent wish list

Chip Kelly must be furious this afternoon, as an anonymous Eagles front office employee has leaked a comprehensive list of available free agents who the organization will be targeting at the start of free agency on Tuesday, March 10.

The Eagles are widely expected to be one of the major players in free agency this year, as the team had over $50 million available to spend.

Here is the list of players the Eagles are reportedly going to try and ink this offseason.

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Chip Kelly: Hinkie did what? God damnit…get me Foles and a whore that can dance

Chip Kelly, perhaps gone mad with power.

Philadelphia, PA – Hearing that 76ers GM Sam Hinkie seized the spotlight again, just one day after the Eagles completed a blockbuster trade that saw franchise running back Lesean McCoy shipped to Buffalo for linebacker Kiko Alonso, Chip Kelly was seen destroying his office at the Novacare Complex in front of a cowering Howie Roseman.

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Gov. Chris Christie lasts several hours in Polar Plunge

Chris Christie, moments before plunging into the Atlantic Ocean and heading South for the winter.

Sea Isle, NJ – As thousands flocked to Sea Isle this past Saturday for the annual Polar Plunge to test their wills against frigid temperatures, they were delighted to see a number of local celebrities taking part in the celebration.

Eagles center Jason Kelce frolicked in the surf with the brave citizens who took brief, but impressive, dips in the 35 degree water. However, it wasn’t Kelce who won the day, but current Governor Chris Christie, who was seen swimming in the water for upwards of three hours after the event concluded.

“He’s a beast. I mean that figuratively and quite literally, actually,” Kelce said, as he stood on the shoreline and watched the governor impressively breach from the water and then dive back down several times. “He’s been out there for hours. See all those seagulls flying above him? They’ve been following him ever since he’s been out there.”

Several boats carrying hundreds of passengers sailed up to where the governor was swimming and stayed a respective distance away, letting the passengers snap photographs and ooh and ahh whenever Christie broke the surface of the water.

Nobody participating in the plunge could recall seeing the governor on the beach prior to the start of the event.

“Around this time of year, Governor Christie will take to the sea and swim down coast in search of fertile hunting grounds,” a media relations employee told reporters crowded on the beach.

“We’ll let him stay in for a few hours, eat his weight in krill, and then drive him back up the coast to Trenton on an 18-wheeler flatbed when he gets tired. We’ll make sure to keep him nice and wet during the trip back up to the capital office,” he said.

Eagles unsure of how Riley Cooper was elected team representative to NAACP

Philadelphia, PA – The Eagles were stunned to learn Thursday evening that Riley Cooper was somehow elected to be the team’s representative to the local NAACP Philadelphia chapter.

Just hours after an NFL licensed calendar was released with Cooper representing the month of February, the local chapter leaders of the NAACP demanded the team’s representative attend the next meeting to discuss the insensitivity of the publication. After rifling through several papers, Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie was shocked to learn Cooper had been given the designation just this past December.

“I have no idea how it happened. I guess we needed someone and he just kind of got thrown in there. God, that is going to be so awkward,” he told a group of reporters.

As the team’s liaison to the civil rights organization, Cooper is expected to attend the next several meetings and discuss the indignity of being the player on the February page of the calendar.

“We probably should have thought better and maybe elected someone else…but we can’t do too much about it now. Fuck me, we are so screwed. I’m already having our media relations employees draft up several iterations of an apology letter I’m sure we’ll have to be releasing to the public soon.”

As of press time, Cooper was seen purchasing large quantities of FUBU clothing to, as the wide receiver put it, “just fit in at the meeting.”