New York, NY – Representatives for the National Football League have officially denied quarterback Eli Manning’s request to wear a pink thong for Monday night’s game against the Philadelphia Eagles, and for the remaining games in the 2015-2016 season.
Manning officially made his request to the league office today, asking for special permission to wear the pink Victoria’s Secret “Date no-show thong” under his official uniform for the remainder of the season.
Philadelphia, PA – Terry Allings, watching yesterday’s Eagles game from his couch on 6th and Fairmont in Northern Liberties, skillfully proclaimed the Eagles were “going to be in big trouble” after watching the team struggle against the New Orleans Saints.
Using his years of experience playing Madden Football and watching Red Zone, Allings nervously looked at his friend and proclaimed “if they don’t score here, it’s over.”
Allings audibly sighed after a 2nd and 5 hand-off only went for three yards.
Philadelphia, PA – Several attendees of the Cataldi family weekly Eagles party confirmed yesterday that a sheepish Angelo Cataldi attempted to change back into a Sam Bradford jersey he had enthusiastically shed after the first quarter of the Eagles games Sunday afternoon.
Reports claim Cataldi began the game in his Bradford jersey, but threatened to remove the garment after Bradford’s first interception was thrown on the Eagles second possession of the game. After Bradford’s second red zone interception before the end of the first quarter, Cataldi reportedly made a “huge deal” about how he “was finished with Bradford” and stomped upstairs to his bedroom.
When he returned, he was wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey and vociferously began calling for Bradford’s benching.
Philadelphia, PA – Bobby Hoying barged into the NovaCare Complete this morning, shaking hands with players and introducing himself as “the new starting ball slinger for this sorry ass state of a football team.”
Last seen fleeing the premises of the Wells Fargo Center after the Wing Bowl in January to welch on a $10,000 gambling debt, Hoying said he had to “cool his heels” down in Mexico and reinvigorated his game taking part in one of the Mexican cartel’s American Football teams.
“I had my head on the chopping block after pissing off the wrong hombre down in Mexico, when luckily one of those amigos remembered me from my days with the Oakland Raiders. As luck would have it, their starting quarterback had been executed gangland style after showing up light a few kilos come payment time and ol’ Bobby got the job,” Hoying said.
Snickers the Possum.
Editor’s Note: Snickers the Possum was one of the worst football analysts we have ever seen. What were we thinking? A possum that speaks who tries to use his powers to analyze football games? He was just AWFUL. All four game predictions incorrect, just horrible puns and jokes about being a possum….he just could not have been more annoying and irritating. Not to mention the days he would come into the office and lie on the floor for hours at a time, pretending to be dead….WE KNOW YOU’RE ALIVE SNICKERS, STOP KIDDING YOURSELF.
Now we’re not saying Snickers the Possum will never come back, he very well may come back at a later date, but right now we think it’s time to make a change. So without further delay, we’d like to introduce our newest football analyst….
Just a week after DraftKings and FanDuel came under fire for an employee using inside information to win thousands of dollars in fantasy football, another possible scandal has reared its ugly head and may further damage the reputation of both daily fantasy sports companies.
News broke this morning of a FanDuel employee winning $500,000 in week 5 of the fantasy football season. Week 5 is scheduled to kick off this Thursday night with the Colts vs. Texans.
FanDuel employee John Livingston won a $500,000 contest for week 5 with a perfect lineup. An investigation is underway to determine if Livingston had any inside information to win the contest before the games were actually played.
Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Flyers office team website crashed yesterday around 4:30 p.m. after its usual traffic increased by approximately 8,000%, completely overloading the organization’s servers.
Flyers representatives reported the servers were down for around three hours as IT employees tried to scramble to handle the influx of traffic.
“It was the damndest thing I had ever seen. I turned off the Eagles game and tried to log into the site and it just wasn’t working. Google said the site was overloaded, I’ve never seen that before,” said Thomas Ingram, head website developer of the Flyers.
As of Monday morning at 10 a.m., the Flyers had reportedly sold 5,000 more pairs of season tickets and Flyers jerseys saw an increase of 500% in sales. A number of potential buyers were even inquiring if the Flyers accepted trade-ins of other city team jerseys for Flyers discounts.
“This city must be hockey crazy! It’s going to be a great year!” Ingram said.
As of press time, DeMarco Murray jersey sales plummeted by 90,000% from last week.
I’d wager every Eagles fan became aware they had ESP yesterday around 4 p.m. when the Redskins received the back, down four, with just around three minutes to play. Every single fan knew, they KNEW in their hearts the Redskins were going to have a lengthy drive, score a touchdown, and the Eagles would lose by three points.
The narrative was too perfect. They would lose by three after their newly signed “kicker” had left four extremely easy points on the field.
Kirk Cousins of all people would lead his team down the field for the victory. Even Kirk Cousins’ parents didn’t think he would do it, they were leaving the stadium to beat the traffic before the game actually ended.
Holy shit that was painful. After cursing god for hours I sat in a dark room until midnight and wished curses upon all those who had wronged me. It was a nice evening.
Is Caleb Sturgis an avid Coggin Toboggan reader and actually read this article before the game? If he did, then I’d like to apologize to Eagles fans everywhere and I’ll have to start working on a new one where he quits football to do something worthy of his skills, like a janitor or a used car salesman, because he certainly isn’t a good enough kicker.
For the past week I’ve been traveling for work and I’ve quickly found that trying to update this blog while on the road is extremely difficult. I’m sure most of you who actually read this blog have noticed it too, since most of what I’ve written is garbage and just out of necessity to get something on the page each day.
If I wasn’t lazy I would delete the Jeremy Affeldt/City of Philadelphia article published yesterday. It’s garbage and not funny.
Currently I’m slogging through the last (merciful) hour of this convention and looking back on topics I wanted to write about this week, but my fried brain just couldn’t put anything together.
Snickers the Possum.
Editor’s Note: Oh Snickers….Snickers, Snickers, Snickers. Three weeks in a row you’ve gotten your predictions wrong. We’re only going to give you a stay of execution because you managed to predict the Eagles would cover the spread. If it weren’t for your ability to actually get a few gambling predictions correct, we’d have crushed your skull under your steel-toed boots long ago. Don’t get too comfortable, though, that wood chipper still has your name written all over it.
This is no longer fun for me. I can’t work under this pressure. I didn’t sign up to be harassed and yelled at by an editor who pays me in moldy orange rinds and used condoms wrapped in tissue paper.
But I’m a professional, a professional sports predicting possum and my dedication is to YOU, the readers.
Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that my hairless tail drives the women possums crazy and I’m an excellent football analyst!
The Coggin Toboggan 