Eagles

Doug Pederson destroys horrifying sports science creation found at NovaCare Complex
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What horrors did this man see?

Philadelphia, PA – Eagles head coach Doug Pederson nearly burned the NovaCare Complex to the ground last night after the new coach made a gruesome discovery in the bowels of the Eagles training camp facility.

“It was horrible, just horrible. The scream it made after I sent it to hell….I’ll be hearing that in my nightmares for the rest of my life,” Pederson said, still donning a blanket a fire fighter had draped over him after the incident.

Wanting to cut back on the sports science technology mandated by former coach Chip Kelly, Pederson stumbled on a hidden back room in Kelly’s old office after he accidentally flipped a secret lever while trying to move boxes of hydration technique books out of the space.

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Sam Bradford downgraded to ‘doubtful’ for wedding
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Oh good lord, what have I done?

Aspen, Colo. – Having gone through an entire last week of wedding preparations under the “probable” tag, Eagles quarterback and about to be newlywed Sam Bradford has been downgraded to “doubtful” this morning, according to his best man.

Sam, who last said he was very confident about his upcoming performance at today’s wedding to fiance Emma Lavy, reportedly had a debilitating panic attack this morning in front of his groomsmen and best man.

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SEPTA officials urging riders to get in line now for Eagles pre-season opener

septa-trainPhiladelphia, PA – Due to massive delays on most of its services, SEPTA officials are urging Eagles fans to get in line now if they hope to make it into the city on time for the first pre-season game on Thursday, Aug. 11.

The Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority has faced tremendous criticism from riders after the company recently sidelined 120 Silverliner V cars, a third of the coaches in its regional rail system, after defects were found in the suspension systems.

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Buddy Ryan places bounty on Tom Landry
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Fielding several interviews during his first day in Heaven.

The Afterlife, Heaven – Immediately after entering through the Pearly Gates, popular ex-Eagles head coach Buddy Ryan donned a pair of aviator sunglasses, hitched a pair of sweat socks up to his knees, and declared the first denizen of the ethereal plane that really decked the famous Dallas Cowboys head coach Tom Landry would receive $100.

Ryan sauntered into the afterlife and immediately hooked up with former defensive stalwarts Jerome Brown and Andre “Dirty” Waters, riling the two up with a fevered and passionate speech compelling them to blindside Landry the next time the ex-coach walked down Heaven Boulevard to a replica of Cowboys Stadium, where he relives some of his greatest moments as a head coach.

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Jon Dorenbos to showcase mastery of dark arts tonight on America’s Got Talent
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He will punish the wicked and make man pay for his hubris.

LAS VEGAS, Nev. – Tonight on NBC, Eagles long-snapper Jon Dorenbos, a master of the arcane, dark arts, will showcase his ethereal skills on the popular reality show America’s Got Talent, and brutally punish the nonbelievers of his malevolent sorcery.

In a 30-second teaser for tonight’s AGT, currently in its 11th season on NBC, Dorenbos is briefly shown on stage wearing a dark robe, his eyes rolled into the back of his head, body convulsing wildly as the lights of the studio flicker ominously.

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REPORT: Heart disease really killed it last night at the Cataldi/Eskin roast
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I hate this picture with every fiber of my being.

Philadelphia, PA – Billed as a brutal night of comedy for two local sports talks legends, guests at the Sports Roast of Angelo Cataldi and Howard Eskin, held Thursday night at the Crystal Tea Room in Philadelphia, were subjected to flat jokes and bad puns from local sports figures for nearly two hours.

However, the room was abuzz after an up and coming comic force really made its presence felt throughout the event.

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Ex- Eagle Shawn Andrews believes government staged alligator attack to strengthen alligator-control laws
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Noted alligator conspiracy theorist Shawn Andrews.

Philadelphia, PA – Ex-Philadelphia Eagles lineman and noted mental patient Shawn Andrews took to his twitter Wednesday afternoon and posted a number of Tweets questioning the legitimacy of the alligator attack that killed a 2-year-old tourist in Orlando earlier this week.

Andrews claimed President Barack Obama approved the funding and staging of the attack to enable the U.S. Government to strengthen alligator control laws throughout the country and eventually take away all alligators from law abiding citizens.

“The government has been trying to take alligators away from good, hardworking U.S. citizens for years. This is just another way for Obama to introduce more stringent alligator-control laws, despite our country’s constitution plainly defending every American’s rite to own and operate alligators,” Andrews told reporters this morning.

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Fletcher Cox figures he can finally purchase that Colonial Penn Life Insurance policy
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How will his family take care of his “final expenses” when he’s gone?

Philadelphia, PA – Just a day after signing the most lucrative non-quarterback contract in the history of the NFL, Eagles defensive lineman Fletcher Cox knew it was time to start thinking about his final expenses.

The 25-year-old star athlete, who just signed a $103 million deal (of which $63 million is guaranteed) noted he was watching Jeopardy and saw an advertisement for Colonial Penn Life Insurance and he began to worry about what his loved ones would do when he passed away.

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Where I apply for the Eagles Senior Analytics Position

QB-Eagles-tale_display_imageThe Philadelphia Eagles are looking for a new Senior Analytics Position employee to lead the franchise into a new era of advanced stats and smarter decisions, breaking away from the traditional methods of scouting and selecting players for the organization.

Obviously, I am the perfect candidate for the job. If you know me, you know that analytics are my bread and stats are my butter. Oh no, wait,  stats are my bread and analytics are my butter. Wait, no, stats are my butter – no – analytics are my butter – Ok, lets just say stats and analytics are my various breads and various butters (if anyone knows what Woody Allen movie that bit is from, I’ll give you a kiss).

Full disclosure, I’ve never actually PLAYED organized football, but I was a goddamn whirling dervish out on the grid iron whenever we played our annual tackle football match among friends over Thanksgiving weekend. I could effortlessly call our defense into a Cover 2 to stop the over the top pass that’s been KILLING US ALL DAY and make the tough calls to bench the most hungover of team members.

Plus, do you have any idea how much time I wasted as a kid playing Tecmo Super Bowl? There’s no rule in the NFL that says a quarterback can’t run straight back into their own end zone and then uncork throw that goes off the top of the screen before landing in the waiting hands of a receiver 100 yards away, right? No? Good, then I’m golden.

Either way, the Eagles would be FOOLISH to pass up this steel trap of a football mind that any team would jump at the opportunity to bring on.

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Mychal Kendricks: Pederson more open than Kelly, gives less enemas

091614-mychal-kendricks-600Philadelphia, PA – The differences between new head coach Doug Pederson and Chip Kelly have never been more evident than the first several days of mandatory workouts, Eagles linebacker Mychal Kendricks told reporters Wednesday morning.

Kendricks said the majority of the team’s veterans have already taken notice and respect Pederson’s less stringent practices, his ability to be more flexible, and the cancellation of the team’s enema program that Kelly strictly enforced for the past two seasons.

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