Philadelphia, PA – It’s an exciting night for Philadelphia, as weeks of tension and debate have led to this moment and this event that will undoubtedly leave thousands of rabid Philadelphia fans on the edge of their seats, clutching their remotes and hanging on every word.
There are a number of different scenarios that could happen tonight, so why don’t we take a moment to just run over some things that have happened in the past weeks and see where we could all end up?
Chip Kelly has been really working the phones just a day before the annual NFL, which will be held tomorrow. We’ve received word that Kelly has been using some interesting techniques to try and bend the opinions of NFL GMs and coaches to give the Eagles a better opportunity to select the player they covet.
We’ve received inside information into a recent conversation Kelly had via text message to Ruston Webster, Tennessee Titans GM. The Titans currently have the second pick in tomorrow night’s draft. Let’s take a look, shall we?
Shit! We’re going to blow this, aren’t we?
Philadelphia, PA – A panicked Chip Kelly burst into the NovaCare Center Tuesday morning, hundreds of pages of print outs slipping from his hands as he sprinted into his office, screaming at his top officials to meet him in Conference Room A in five minutes.
“We spaced, we fucked spaced on the draft this week!” Kelly screamed, as he slammed hastily printed NFL draft cheat sheets from Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay onto the table in front of several nervous front office executives. “How did we do this? We had one thing to do for the rest of the offseason, one thing, and we completely forgot about it. Please someone tell me that they saw some of the college bowl games…god we are so fucked!”
Kelly glared at Ed Marynowitz, the newest front office member, before throwing a pile of loose leaf paper at him.
“I swiped these from that lump Michael Barkann when I saw him on the subway this morning. Four eyes, scour through those and see if he has any insights on players who declared for the draft. Did Winston declare? Did Mariota? We need to figure this out!”
Kelly lifted his hands to the heavens and shook his fists angrily at God before falling back into a swiveling chair, covering his eyes.
“We cannot fuck this up. These people will kill me. These fans….shit….these fans will not let me forget it if I mess this up. Do we go defense first? Offense first? Should we make a trade? Where are we drafting, 19 right? Or is it 20? Someone sign us up for ESPN Insider, I need answers.”
As of press time, Kelly was holding an impromptu press conference where he was reportedly blaming the debacle on Howie Roseman, who had been demoted to Head of Ticket Sales.
It’s outrageous that I not have access to team showers.
Philadelphia, PA – Citing his frustration at the new Eagles front office regime, Les Bowen took to Twitter yesterday and publicly voiced his opinion on how much more difficult it is to cover the players’ showers after games and public functions under Chip Kelly’s leadership.
Bowen was furious the organization did not allow him access to the team’s shower after a Wednesday afternoon community service event, where several players on the team roster had constructed a playground for Philadelphia children.
“Just another example of how truly frustrating it is to try and do my job,” Bowen said on Twitter.
“How can I do my job properly if I can’t speak to Connor Barwin while he’s soaping his biceps and lower back after a sweaty day’s work?” Bowen tweeted, continuing his rant on the public media forum.
The Daily News beat writer lashed out at several of his followers as they questioned his need to actually attend the group showers to effectively write about the team and its chances for next year.
“If you know of a better way to cover this team where I’m not naked and wet with the players, I’d like to hear it,” he posted.
Bowen then posted several images on his Twitter feed from his showers with several players on the roster from year’s past.
“I need to be able to cover this team to the best of my ability. If that doesn’t involve Matt Barkley scrubbing my back, then I can’t do my job.”
Jesus Chris, savior, strong safety.
Philadelphia, PA – Citing a need for a fourth string quarterback and a new savior, the Philadelphia Eagles announced yesterday the signing of Tim Tebow, a free agent, and Jesus H. Christ, the son of God, to one-year deals.
“We like the versatility of what Tim can give us at the quarterback position. We can easily run a spread option or bootleg him out, we like that about him,” Head Coach Chip Kelly said. “And Jesus really gives us an extra edge. He’s tall, lean, and quick. If we can get him out of those sandals and into a pair of cleats we think he can really help us in the secondary.”
The pair was a package deal, Kelly said, as Christ said he would only sign if Tebow were included in the deal as well.
Tebow worked out with the Eagles two months ago and was left unsigned, but when Jesus Christ said he would join the team if they brought Tebow on, the Eagles jumped at the chance.
“He’s light on his feet, you know that, how else would he have walked on water. That’s a huge plus,” Kelly said. “He’ll be a big plus in the commissary as well. If we ever run low on bread or fish after practices, we’ll know where to go.”
Some guy.
Tebow and Christ, lifelong friends, approached the Eagles with their plan over the weekend. While Tebow is expected to struggle to make the team next season, Christ will jump right into the start secondary, with many scouts predicting he’ll be one of two starting safeties next year.
Some scouts wondered about Jesus’s maturity, as reports have come out in past years about some trouble he had with money changers at a nearby temple.
Despite the risks, Kelly said the Eagles were lucky to sign Jesus, and to a lesser extent, Tebow.
“Would we rather have just Jesus? Yes, I won’t lie, but we’re glad to have both,” Kelly said. “Besides, he’s a great guy to talk too. He’s helped a few guys out so far and he’s just a great clubhouse leader.”
BREAKING NEWS:
As of press time, the Eagles were apparently close to a deal with John the Baptist to fill a wide receiver role and to fill in as part time water boy.
The Coggin has been flooded with reports today in regards to the alleged rumor of the dustup between head coach Chip Kelly and traded running back Lesean McCoy. The following is a reenactment between the two around week 12 of last season. Lets watch, shall we?
Damn coach, too many sprints today at practice, you’ve got to be shitting me.
Did you just say you want to be hitting me, Shady?!
Wait, what? No, no coach I said you’re got to be shitting me, shitting me. Not hitting. Man get off my back.
Smack? Did you just say get off my smack? You’re a big boy, Shady, you know what you said. Tell me what you fucking said.
…….
……..
…….
Ahhhhhhhh I’m just messing with you Shady! I had you for a second, I have to say, I think you’d fold under questioning ::turns to Howie Roseman:: I can’t wait to trade that piece of garbage to Buffalo.
The End
Young hotshot quarterback Nick Foles is apparently on the Eagles radar.
Philadelphia, PA – In an off season with a number of controversial moves and signings, rumor has it the Philadelphia Eagles are planning on trying to complete a blockbuster trade with the St. Louis Rams.
Sources are telling the Coggin that the Eagles are planning to trade Sam Bradford to the Cleveland Browns for their first round pick, and then package their first round pick and ship both to the St. Louis Rams for quarterback Nick Foles.
“Word has it that Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly loves the kid….he’d do anything to get Foles. I’ve never seen him higher on another quarterback,” An anonymous source told the Coggin.
Chip Kelly did not confirm or deny the reports, but he did give a wink to a reporter when asked the question.
It would be a stunning turn of events, as the Eagles would position themselves to acquire a potential franchise quarterback to build their organization around for years to come. It would come at a high cost, but if one is to believe Kelly’s game plan, a quarterback like Foles is someone you can’t undervalue.
As of press time, Kelly was also make inquiries to the Buffalo Bills as to the availability of young running back Lesean McCoy. He was rumored to have offered the Eagles 2016 first round pick and inside linebacker Kiko Alonso.
Looking a little woozy, ehh Marcus?
Philadelphia, PA – Following the abrupt retirement of San Francisco rookie linebacker Chris Borland, Chip Kelly reportedly contacted Marcus Smith yesterday afternoon to advise the second year linebacker to “think things over” and “to put his health above everything else.”
“You don’t know what’s going to happen, Marcus. Anything can happen in this crazy game and I really think you need to think of your family and friends. Take a long, hard look at your career, I’d hate to see you make a mistake,” Kelly said, reportedly with an arm around Smith as the two walked down the Novacare Center.
Smith was visibly confused at Kelly’s request, as the slightly-used and disappointing rookie was perfectly healthy at the end of last season and had suffered no setbacks whatsoever during the off season.
Kelly remarked that Smith was walking with a visible limp, despite the rookie walking with a perfectly fine gait.
“How are those knees? I see you’re wobbling a bit there, maybe some post concussion symptoms that may still be lingering around from the season?” Kelly asked, despite Smith having suffered no concussions this past year. “Just think it over big guy. I respect you way too much to put you out on that field when your health is suffering like this.”
As of press time, Kelly was diagnosing Smith with chronic traumatic encephalopathy and was drafting up his retirement papers and forging his signature.
Don’t get too comfortable, Sam.
Philadelphia, PA – Citing the strength of the Philadelphia apartment rental scene in the city as of late, Chip Kelly has been dropping hints to Sam Bradford since acquiring the 27-year-old quarterback last week that home ownership may not be a wise investment at this point in his career.
Quick, everyone run into that abandoned hospital, we’ll be safe in there.
If there’s one thing we love at the Coggin Toboggan almost as much as we love Philadelphia sports, it’s horror movies. Today, of course, is Friday the 13th, the infamous date of one of the longest running horror franchises in movie history. Hell, we’re up to 11 original movies and a reboot, with more in sight, so why not take a look at some local Philadelphia sports figures and give our best estimations on whether or not they’d survive one of the Friday the 13th movies?
We’ll just run this down list style, and after taking a look at some of these losers I don’t think there’s going to be much of a chance for any of them.
We’ve given this a lot of thought and have really looked at the following figures and their intangibles, so lets see who will survive and who will die a gruesome, gruesome death.
The Coggin Toboggan 