Philadelphia, PA – A panicked Chip Kelly burst into the NovaCare Center Tuesday morning, hundreds of pages of print outs slipping from his hands as he sprinted into his office, screaming at his top officials to meet him in Conference Room A in five minutes.
“We spaced, we fucked spaced on the draft this week!” Kelly screamed, as he slammed hastily printed NFL draft cheat sheets from Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay onto the table in front of several nervous front office executives. “How did we do this? We had one thing to do for the rest of the offseason, one thing, and we completely forgot about it. Please someone tell me that they saw some of the college bowl games…god we are so fucked!”
Kelly glared at Ed Marynowitz, the newest front office member, before throwing a pile of loose leaf paper at him.
“I swiped these from that lump Michael Barkann when I saw him on the subway this morning. Four eyes, scour through those and see if he has any insights on players who declared for the draft. Did Winston declare? Did Mariota? We need to figure this out!”
Kelly lifted his hands to the heavens and shook his fists angrily at God before falling back into a swiveling chair, covering his eyes.
“We cannot fuck this up. These people will kill me. These fans….shit….these fans will not let me forget it if I mess this up. Do we go defense first? Offense first? Should we make a trade? Where are we drafting, 19 right? Or is it 20? Someone sign us up for ESPN Insider, I need answers.”
As of press time, Kelly was holding an impromptu press conference where he was reportedly blaming the debacle on Howie Roseman, who had been demoted to Head of Ticket Sales.