76ers

Trump spends inauguration praising decision to keep Joel Embiid out of NBA all-star game
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Trump on his inauguration day.

Washington, DC – Donald Trump’s presidency has already started off on a controversial foot, as the president-elect spent an inordinate amount of time during the ceremony and Oath of Office praising the decision to keep the 76ers talented, young center Joel Embiid off of the Eastern Conference’s all-star roster.

Trump ensured an awkward beginning to his term during the Oath of Office, when he decided it necessary to tack on a comment to end of the sacred oath.

“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, and to uphold the will of the people to keep Joel Embiid out of the 2017 NBA All-Star game,” Trump said, as a murmur spread through the near 800,000 witnesses to the inauguration.

His comment was forgotten quickly, however, as those in attendance believed they misheard the 45th President’s comments.

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It’s starting to come together Pepper…it’s starting to come together
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Pep!

Well…is this it, 76ers fans? Is it starting to come together, Pepper? IS IT STARTING TO COME TOGETHER?

Are we getting too far ahead of ourselves? I can’t remember the last time I jumped off of my couch and fist pumped at the end of a 76ers game…

Are 76ers fans setting themselves up for a disappointment? This is just lightning in a bottle, right? They’re not…actually….good are they?

We all remember the movie “Major League,” right? Coach Lou Brown, the grizzled coach of the Cleveland Indians who had to seriously debate leaving his job as a tire salesman before taking the position, bellowed out the headline of this article to his bench coach Pepper after the lowly Indians swept their first series of the season against a mediocre team.

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Sam Hinkie had The Process, Bryan Colangelo has The Procedure

041016_bryan-colangelo_1200I’m sick of dunderheaded Bryan Colangelo face fucking his way through the 2016-2017 76ers season. Everything that’s good about this year (Embiid, Saric….ummm….that’s about it) has been due to previous GM Sam Hinkie and everything awful about this year (Gerald Henderson, the Noel disaster, the slippery floor, the announcement coming in the next few weeks that Ben Simmons won’t play this year, Jahlil Okafor, the Eagles poor season, the Flyers Shea Weber trade falling through) has been because of shit dick Colangelo and his father’s withered old man balls resting on his son’s shoulders as a constant reminder of his presence.

Also, apropos of nothing, why don’t you spell your name with an “I” like a regular person? God you suck.

Sam Hinkie had The Process, which netted this team a glut of lottery picks, a potential franchise changing player in Embiid and another first round pick next year from the Lakers.

Bryan Colangelo has, what we’ve dubbed at the Toboggan, The Procedure, which has netted us nothing but high blood pressure and increased chances of having a stroke in the next 10 years.

What is The Procedure, you ask? Well, why don’t we explain it using tweets from Colangelo’s meeting with the media today, shall we?

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Bryan Colangelo: Nerlens Noel will be a made man and start at center this week
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Nerlens Noel coming to the 76ers morning shoot around with 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo. The 76ers announced Noel would be a made man this week. (photo credit: @crimjimmegan)

Philadelphia, PA – An excited Nerlens Noel put on his best three piece suit and eagerly got into Bryan Colangelo’s 1969 white Cadillac Coupe Deville to attend the 76ers morning shoot around, his first since the news broke that the organization had decided to make him a made man and start him for the first time this season.

“This must bring you back to when you were made,” Nerlens said to Colangelo, who shrugged and smiled from the back seat.

“Oh that was a long time ago,” he said, as he instructed the driver to pull up to the side entrance of the 76ers Training Complex in Camden.

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Jerry Colangelo sex party forces 76ers game cancellation

635848397075677000-sports-1-jerry-colangelo-12Philadelphia, PA – After a slick sheen on the Wells Fargo Center court rendered the surface unplayable last night, the 76ers were forced to postpone their matchup against the Sacramento Kings until a later date.

John Page, president of the Wells Fargo Center complex, said excessive moisture on the court forced the cancellation of the game. When asked why the surface of the court was affected, Page pointed to an event held at the center earlier in the day.

“We have some ideas of what could have caused this, but all signs point squarely to Jerry Colangelo’s annual swingers party that he held at center court earlier in the day,” Page noted.

The Colangelo sponsored “bacchanal orgy” was a holdover from his previous GM contract with the organization, which allotted him space in the Wells Fargo Center once a year to live out his depraved perversions.

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76ers already running out of victory confetti

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – After their fourth home-win in a row in the young season, the 76ers franchise is scrambling to re-stock the victory confetti it shoots out of giant cannons after every win at the Wells Fargo Center.

The organization only bought enough victory confetti to celebrate eight wins at home, an optimistic estimation by all standards prior to the beginning of the season.

“God damnit…mix in a win on the road, I do not want to have to call the supplier this early in the year, it’s going to blow our entire yearly budget,” said Thomas Kincade, 76ers Operation Manager.

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Elated Gerald Henderson thought MVP chants were for him
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MVP.

Philadelphia, PA – An over the moon Gerald Henderson beamed as he spoke with reporters after the 76ers season opening loss to the Thunder, as the new shooting guard said he could hardly believe the welcome the fans game him and love they showed him throughout last night’s contest.

“You hear things about these fans when you’re not playing in the city, but let me tell you, they’re class acts. Those MVP MVP MVP chants they were giving me last night? I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that,” Henderson said, mistaking the obvious chants directed to new star in the making Joel Embiid as directed at him.

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Keys to the 76ers opener by a local sports anchor just finding out Durant no longer on the Thunder

kevin20durant20golden20state20warriors20-vresize-1200-675-high-17Ohhhhhhh it’s a happy day in Philadelphia for all those 76ers fans, as the Sixers will kick off their 2016-2017 season tonight when they take on Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma Thunder in a real test right out of the gates.

It’s been a long time coming for 76ers fans, as fan favorite Dario Saric and perceived franchise savior Joel Embiid will take to the court to try and shut down the high powered offense of the Thunder, led of course by perennial MVP favorite Kevin Durant and guard Russell Westbrook.

Durant, who received heavy interest this offseason, ultimately chose to re-sign with the Thunder and bring his hefty 27 points per game average back to Oklahoma for another run.

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Fired-up Joel Embiid has been kicking a concrete pillar all morning

0344696Philadelphia, PA – On the morning of his first preseason game after a long road to the NBA, 76ers center Joel Embiid has spent a fidgety day at the team’s practice facility, dealing with butterflies before making his professional basketball debut.

Head Coach Brett Brown said athletes tend to deal with nervous energy in their own ways. Some sit in a corner by themselves to think, others listen to their music before game time, others can’t stop talking to their teammates, he said.

Dario Saric, another 76ers rookie, has taken to joking around with his teammates and calling his family this morning, Brown said.

Embiid has taken a different approach.

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BREAKING: Dario Saric’s mustache diagnosed with Zika virus
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Saric in better times.

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – Tragedy has struck the 2016 Olympic games as word of the first athlete contracting the Zika virus broke this morning. Unfortunately, it has a local connection.

Dario Saric, a forward for the Croatian national basketball team, was sent home after physicians diagnosed his pencil thin mustache with the Zika virus after the young athlete expressed concerns over its appearance to team officials.

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