76ers

I hate the 76ers trade for the #1 pick

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Like Robert Johnson at the crossroads, this blog has a life changing decision to make. Which direction does our blog take? Do we take the deal with the devil, or do we forge another path?

This brings us to the reported trade 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo pulled off over the weekend. Giving the Boston Celtics the #3 pick this year and either the 2018 Lakers 1st round pick or the 2019 Sacramento 1st round pick for the #1 overall pick this year and the rights to draft Markelle Fultz?

I hate this trade. Absolutely despise it.

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LaVar Ball workout possible for 76ers, sources say

lavar-ballCoggin Toboggan sources have noted that LaVar Ball, father of NBA prospect Lonzo Ball, is reportedly open to working out for the 76ers prior to the NBA draft.

The announcement came as a surprise, as just a week earlier Ball had promised he would only workout for the Los Angeles Lakers and had already declined a workout with the Boston Celtics.

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Colangelo scratches Fultz off of draft list after WIP caller declares him a bust
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Does Markelle Fultz lack the necessary “grit” and “toughness” to make it in this city?

A WIP caller known only as “Philly Mike” declared Washington point guard and potential 76ers draft target Markelle Fultz as a “complete bust in the making” this afternoon, which forced GM Bryan Colangelo to fervently rework his draft prospects for the upcoming draft.

Colangelo’s draft board was thrown into complete disarray after the 2-minute call into the 94 WIP Midday show, in which “Philly Mike” denounced Fultz’s ability to be “Philadelphia tough” and lacked the necessary grit to ever be a key contributor for the 76ers.

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‘We can takes cues from 76ers on injured players,’ says Roseman after taking mallet to cornerback’s knee

102813-howie-roseman-600After vigorously bashing recently selected cornerback Sidney Jones’s knee into a pulp with a croquet mallet, Howie Roseman held a press conference and assured the media that the Eagles were taking a cue from the 76ers medical staff on how to handle their injured prospects.

Jones, a highly regarded and talented cornerback, was selected by the Eagles in the 2nd round despite suffering a ruptured Achilles tendon at his pro-day workout.

“We can take a cue from the team across the street, and how they deal with injured players,” Roseman said, calmly washing the thick blood from his hands.

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Pay no attention to the high-collared dimwit behind the curtain

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YES, JOEL EMBIID WILL HAVE SURGERY ON HIS KNEE. I DO NOT NEED TO GIVE AN EXPLANATION. HE SUFFERED ANOTHER INJURY DURING A PRACTICE IN JANUARY. NO MORE QUESTIONS, THE GREAT GM OF COLANGELO HAS SPOKEN. YOU SHALL COME BACK TOMORROW IF YOU DESIRE MORE DETAILS FOR YOUR PRECIOUS NEWSPAPER COLUMNS AND BLOGS. THE GREAT GM OF COLANGELO HAS DECREED IT SO.

JUST BE HAPPY THAT I GRANTING YOU AN AUDIENCE TOMORROW AND NOT TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW YOU SIMPERING MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA, I HAVE SPOKEN. HOW DARE YOU SECOND GUESS THE GREAT, AND ALL POWERFUL, GM OF COLANGELO.

::A blogger from Liberty Ballers sees a curtain to the side of the press room and pulls it open, revealing Bryan Colangelo pulling several levers and speaking menacingly into a microphone::

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Bryan Colangelo to Michael Barkann: “Are you a doctor now? Am I the GM now? Where am I?”

041016_bryan-colangelo_120076ers general manager Bryan Colangelo appeared to get a little testy yesterday with Comcast SportsNet Philly Sports Talk host Michael Barkann when fielding questions about Joel Embiid’s health.

The high-collared dullard soured after Barkann asked him if he felt it was necessary for the start 76ers center to undergo surgery on his ailing knee and be shut down for the rest of the year.

“Are you a doctor now? With all due respect, medical injuries are injuries that require care and attention. Am I the GM now? Where am I? What am I doing here? How did I get here?” Colangelo thoughtfully added.

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“Ben Simmons is fine,” Bryan Colangelo says as doctors work to amputate Simmons’ foot

20160505_colangelo_article2Philadelphia, PA – Bryan Colangelo spoke to media this morning at Jefferson University Hospital after reports had leaked out of the 76ers franchise claiming that Ben Simmons’ broken foot had been healing slower than expected.

Colangelo, who has come under fire this week for his tendency to be less than forthcoming about injury news, said Ben Simmons was “just fine” and he didn’t know what the tortured screams coming from the hospital’s operating room were about.

Colangelo excused himself for a moment to “take a phone call” as he ducked into the suddenly very busy operating theater.

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Jerry Colangelo attempts to wake up Bryan for third time this afternoon
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You have to be kidding me with this fucking kid.

Philadelphia, PA – An increasingly frustrated Jerry Colangelo entered his son Bryan Colangelo’s bedroom for the third time this afternoon, throwing the racecar bed sheets off of the slumbering 76ers GM in an attempt to rouse his son to greet the day.

“Let’s go, it’s 1:30 p.m., up and at them. There are deals to be made today, Bry Bry. Serge Ibaka was traded to the Raptors this morning, so you can cross them off the list of potential landing spots for Jahlil,” Jerry said, the level of annoyance raising in his voice as Bryan pulled the pillow back over his head in attempt to keep the sunlight out of his eyes.

The elder Colangelo sat on the edge of Bryan’s bed and patted him gently on his side.

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The time a drunk 76ers fan demanded Matt Geiger punch Keith Van Horn in the face…and he did it
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You are one ugly motherfucker.

Back in 1999 I saw Matt Geiger viciously elbow Keith Van Horn in the face at the behest of a pair of drunkards at the First Union Center.

Let me back up. The year was 1999. I was 17 and the weight of the world had yet to completely crush my spirit. The 76ers were a few years away from being relevant, but they were entertaining and the seeds had been planted for greatness. Allen Iverson was crossing up Jordan, the country was prosperous and led by an adulterer instead of a dunce, and my buddy’s dad had bought lower level season tickets for 1998-1999 for no reason whatsoever.

Seriously, I think he went to like, maybe 4 games that entire season. So who took up the slack? Yours truly. What a time to be alive.

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Jahlil Okafor demands trade by end of the day before the snow

usa-today-8947756-0Philadelphia, PA – Jahlil Okafor has broken his silence on the swirling trade rumors that have surrounded him for the past several days. Okafor spoke up this morning up about his desire to be traded before the region is covered in several inches of snow.

The talented offensive center made a public statement this morning to the media, demanding to be traded by the end of the day.

“If you think I’m shoveling this shit tomorrow you’ve got another thing coming. Trade me now, get me a ticket out of town, let’s go. Chip chop chip,” Okafor said.

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