Philadelphia Home Depots report “critical” rope shortage after weekend

Philadelphia, PA – Representatives for the company confirmed today that Philadelphia Home Deports face a “critical” rope shortage in all of their citywide stores after customers purchased nearly all of the material around 8 p.m. last evening.

Security camera footage of the Home Depot on S. Christopher Columbus Boulevard showed a 50 customer deep line around 7:45 p.m. Sunday evening. The sunken eyed, pale customers each were holding about six to eight-feet of rope in the checkout line. None of them spoke and many of them were wearing Eagles jerseys and hats.

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The Eagles are a full-blown orphanage fire

Oh the humanity!

After I retrieved my laptop from the front yard after ceremoniously hurling it through my front window, I started to think about what best represented the Eagles performance yesterday against the Cowboys.

A dumpster fire, of course, came to mind, but I didn’t think that accurately described how horrible they were yesterday. A dumpster fire is just a bunch of garbage on fire. Sure it’s smelly, but nothing of value is lost in a dumpster fire and when it goes out nobody thinks about it again.

They weren’t a dumpster fire.

The Eagles are an orphanage fire.

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Snickers the Possum playing dead game prediction of the week

Snickers the possum.

Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that the Johnson’s poodle got what it was coming to it when it was smooshed by a car and I’m an excellent football analyst!

Now, last week I was a little off in my prediction, but who would have thought Byron Maxwell would suddenly forget how to play football and take a metaphysical dump all over the Atlanta field.

I know it’s a bit of a shock, but even Snickers the Possum is wrong once in a while, but this week is a surefire lock for our hometown Philadelphia Eagles who are opening up Lincoln Financial Field against the hated Dallas Cowboys.

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Never change, Cowboys fans, never change

Poor little feller.

A few hours ago we posted an article entitled, DeMarco Murray: ‘I’m tired of taking the high road.’ Read it. It’s semi-amusing and was just an excuse for me to write something obnoxious and dirty (as always).

It’s fake, just like everything we write here, however.

One Cowboys fan, though, took the bait and took it hard, despite the masthead alerting our readers and any new visitors to the fact that everything on the site nonsense.

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DeMarco Murray: ‘I’m tired of taking the high road’

Philadelphia, PA – After being asked about the upcoming game this Sunday at 4:25 p.m. versus the Dallas Cowboys, his first since leaving the team, DeMarco Murray finally opened up about what it would be like to face the team that decided to not offer him a lucrative contract in the off season.

“I know I’ve been saying it’s not a big deal all week, that it’s just another game, but that’s not really the case if I’m going to be true to myself. I’m tired of taking the high road,” Murray said today after training. “Fuck Jerry Jones and his liver spotted head. You sign Dez Bryant to a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract and he gets hurt in the first week. You two can go fuck each other. I can’t wait to stomp them into the ground. Fuck this shit, I’m going to crush every single one of those pieces of shit on Sunday. This one is going to hurt. I’m going to set that franchise back two decades.”

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Pope Francis cancels Philadelphia visit

Philadelphia, PA – Less than two weeks away from his highly anticipated visit to Philadelphia, representatives for Pope Francis have announced the leader of the Catholic world decided to abruptly cancel his visit.

The decision came Tuesday morning, Vatican representatives said, but a release to the press was not made available until today.

The release did not include a statement from the pope, but simply mentioned he “did not have the desire to visit Philadelphia any longer.”

However, the decision was made much more clear today, as Pope Francis made a public comment to the press from the Vatican.

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Steve Rannazzisi admits to lying about leading 76ers in scoring in 2001 season

Yuck.

Philadelphia, PA – Popular comedian and actor in the FX series, “The League,” Steve Rannazzisi admitted today that he lied about leading the Philadelphia 76ers in scoring during the 2001 season and winning the NBA’s Most Valuable Player award for that year.

When confronted with information that proved he was lying about the claim he made on Marc Maron’s WTF podcast three years ago, Rannazzisi posted a statement on social media claiming he made a “horrible mistake.”

“It was a foolish, horrible mistake. I was not on the Philadelphia 76ers roster that day, nor have I ever been a member of any NBA team. I don’t know why I said this. This was inexcusable. I am truly, truly sorry.”

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Jon Marks researching karate classes after another Anthony Gargano bullying incident

Jon Marks, whom someone once said they were going to “put in a body bag.”

Philadelphia, PA – With tears welling up in his eyes, Jon Marks retreated to the safety of the 97.5 Fanatic break room this morning during a commercial and quietly googled local karate schools after Anthony Gargano once again called him a “stupid meatball” on air.

“I was just saying I didn’t think the Eagles were better off with Sam Bradford as quarterback, and he called me a meatball again,” Marks said, his bottom lip quivering. “I’ve got to learn karate, take a class or something. And not a class at the Y, at a good school this time.”

Since Gargano’s arrival at the station this past April, Marks has seen an increase in bullying incidents at the hands of the older, more seasoned radio veteran. Gargano has also gained the trust of and friendship of Fanatic employees Joe Decamara and Harry Mayes, who have also made life difficult for Marks.

The two Gargano underlings, dressed in skeleton costumes, reportedly beat up Marks during last year’s Halloween party.

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Anonymous source leaks 94 WIP and 97.5 The Fanatic ratings, neither Innes or Missanelli on top

Brian Haddad, new ratings powerhouse in Philadelphia sports talk radio?

The Coggin Toboggan received a game changing email this morning, as an anonymous source has leaked last month’s ratings book for the two major sports talk radio stations in Philadelphia and a surprise show is now on top.

The two previous leaders of each station, Josh Innes and Mike Missanelli, were second and third respectively in the 25-54 male demographic, each garnering a 6.3 share.

However, an anonymous source – using the simple pseudonym “B.H.” – emailed us a printed copy of what looked to be the official ratings book this morning. The results show that one host for 94 WIP shot up so far in the ratings that he is now dominating the Philadelphia sports talks scene.

The leaked ratings book shows Brian Haddad, 94 WIP host of Leading Off, the pregame show for the Philadelphia Phillies, cashed in a monstrous 12.9 share in the 25-54 male demographic for this past month.

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94 WIP Morning Show swamped with fair, level-headed callers this morning

Philadelphia, PA – The phones were ringing off the hook this morning at the 94 WIP studios, call screeners reported, as thousands of well meaning and optimistic Eagles fans hoped to express their well wishes and congratulations on a hard-fought game for their hometown squad.

“Sure it was disappointing, but you know what? They played their hearts out last night and I’m very proud of them. It’s just as good as winning, if you ask me.” said John from Fishtown, who called in around 7 a.m. this morning. “And Sam Bradford? Sure he had a rocky
start, but I believed in him all along and he showed you some good stuff. He didn’t get the victory, but how can you not be impressed by his comeback story? Does some great work for charity also.”

“My prayers go out to Cody Parkey. That kid tried his best and things just didn’t go his way, it’s not a big deal. What are you going to do? You can’t win every game,” he said, before excusing himself to hang up.

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