Ryan Howard

Tom McCarthy absolutely rips Phillies: “They’re great, but not excellent”
What's wrong, Tom?

What’s wrong, Tom?

Clearwater, FLA – In a rare moment of candor, company stooge and play-by-play man for the Philadelphia Phillies, Tom McCarthy, finally opened up and blasted the Phillies for their play this spring training.

“Believe me, I think this is a great, great team,” McCarthy said, effectively tearing the squad a new one. “But they’re not excellent. Don’t get me wrong, do I think they can be? Absolutely. But they’re not their yet.”

He continued the lambasting, predicting the Phillies would “100%” finish in first place in the National League East, but most likely would not have the best record in the National League.

It was a welcome moment of fresh air from McCarthy, who has long been criticized for toeing the company line and never speaking out against the team or its play.

“Do I think Ryan Howard could hit between 65 and 70 home runs this year? If he stays healthy, that shouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility. But in all reality, I see him somewhere in the 55 to 60 home run range,” McCarthy said, practically bitch slapping Howard from the broadcasting booth.

“Oh he’s safe and secure with New York Life!” McCarthy bellowed as Howard flied out to center field, though without his usual zest for promos.

Ben Davis, McCarthy’s newest color man, expressed surprise at Tmac taking the Phillies to task.

“It’s really weird, actually. I’ve only been working with Tom since the beginning of Spring, but you can tell something is off. When Ruben Amaro came in the booth earlier this week to discuss some of his plans for the season, Tom only hugged him three times during the interview. So strange.”

As of press time, McCarthy was sitting with his head in his hands in a darkened broadcast booth, muttering “oppo boppo” quietly to himself over and over.

It’s Friday the 13th. Who would be doomed? (hint: everyone)
Quick, everyone run into that abandoned hospital, we'll be safe in there.

Quick, everyone run into that abandoned hospital, we’ll be safe in there.

If there’s one thing we love at the Coggin Toboggan almost as much as we love Philadelphia sports, it’s horror movies. Today, of course, is Friday the 13th, the infamous date of one of the longest running horror franchises in movie history. Hell, we’re up to 11 original movies and a reboot, with more in sight, so why not take a look at some local Philadelphia sports figures and give our best estimations on whether or not they’d survive one of the Friday the 13th movies?

We’ll just run this down list style, and after taking a look at some of these losers I don’t think there’s going to be much of a chance for any of them.

We’ve given this a lot of thought and have really looked at the following figures and their intangibles, so lets see who will survive and who will die a gruesome, gruesome death.

(more…)

Odubel Herrera can’t wait to be overpaid by Ruben Amaro, plus other spring training notes

usa-odubel-herrera-slide_0Clearwater, Fla – Following a stellar two game opening to the 2015 spring training, new rule 5 draft member of the Phillies Odubel Herrera told reporters through a translator that he can’t wait to have a solid year for the team, and then be promptly signed to an organization-crippling contract.

“It will be an honor to follow in the footsteps of some of the guys that have been here for years past their prime, like Ryan Howard and Chase Utley,” he said. “Hopefully the city will enjoy a few of my good years, and then curse Ruben for keeping me on far too long after my usefulness has declined.”

The speedy infield and outfielder said if fans are lucky he will be signed to a multi-year deal and promptly undergo some kind of microfracture surgery to accelerate the process.

In other spring training news:

• Mike Schmidt, who has taken Dom Brown under his wing, has mistakingly been calling the young player by the name Tom Drown all spring. Nobody has cared enough to correct him as of yet. The CT will be keeping tabs on this story as it develops.

• Darrin Ruf and Freddy Galvis reportedly had to be separated by several teammates yesterday after they were heard having a heated argument over who would be a bigger disappointment this season.

• After allowing two runs in two innings during his first appearance, Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez was placed on a wooden raft by manager Ryne Sandberg and nudged out into the ocean towards the direction of Cuba.

• Ruben Amaro reportedly lost the team’s international player signing budget after he wired $5.6 million to a “Nigerian Prince” who sent him an email in December, telling him he would place Amaro in his will for the sum of “12 MILION DOLLLARS US OF A DOLLARS” if he sent him the money through Western Union.

• Charlie Manuel, in town as a special hitting instructor for the Phillies, is still fuming after his recent betrayal at the hands of Ric Flair at last months Royal Rumble. Manuel cut several seething promos to the Nature Boy, promising him that the next time they see each other will be different.

“Naitch, listen here. I used to call you my friend, now the next time we meet I’ll be stomping a mud hole in your ass.”

Flair has yet to respond.

94 WIP caller insightfully declares Phillies should trade Howard, Papelbon
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A stunned Mike and Ike still haven’t recovered from the bombshell this morning on their show.

Philadelphia, PA – A caller into the Ike and Mike show this morning turned a radio station, and an entire city, on its head today when he proclaimed the Philadelphia Phillies should “absolutely” trade Ryan Howard and Jonathan Papelbon before the season begins.

Only identifying himself as Tom from Bensalem, the caller declared himself to be a “lifetime” fan of the Phillies and a “long time listener,” but only a first time caller into the morning show. Wasting little time, the analytical and statistical genius declared the Phillies should do everything in their power to trade the two athletes if they were smart and “knew anything about the game.”

It goes without saying, the unique and powerful idea left co-hosts Michael Barkann and Ike Reese nearly speechless.

“Honestly, I don’t know what to say,” Reese said, breathing heavily into the microphone, trying to make sense of the wondrous suggestion. “It’s just, I mean, how did nobody think of this by now? It’s all so simple, of course it needs to be done. I….I just need a few moments here.”

The modern-day Einstein didn’t bask in the adulation for long, declaring both athletes should bring a “hefty return” to the Phillies.

“I mean, think about it dis’ way you guys. Howard makes a lot of money, sure, more than a regular guy like myself, but he hit nearly 60 home runs just a few years ago, you telling me we couldn’t trade him to the Marlins for Giancarlo Stanton? I don’t see why you couldn’t,” he said. “And Papelbon, I mean, he had almost 40 saves last year. Are you telling me we couldn’t trade him back to Boston for that Professor Xavier guy?”

Despite fumbling the name of top Boston prospect Xander Bogaerts, the suggestion nevertheless was welcomed with open arms.

“How are you not working in baseball? This…this is just fabulous,” a stunned Barkann muttered into the microphone. “This is a great day for the City of Philadelphia.”

And just like that, the hero hung up his phone before the two hosts could pick the brain of the greatest baseball mind in the city.

Five minutes later, a frantic Ruben Amaro Jr. reportedly called the station and begged for the number of “that Tom from Bensalem guy.”

Phillies spring training equipment list addendum leaks to media

phi_1200x630Clearwater, Fla – The Philadelphia Phillies released an official list to the media last week detailing the extensive amount of equipment the organization is shipping from Philadelphia to Clearwater for the upcoming 2015 Spring Training.

The CT was able to snag an addendum list of equipment the organization wants to keep from the media. Here is what the Phillies will also be shipping down to Clearwater for the organization and its athletes.

2015 Equipment List:

• 6 cases of Jim Bean and a renewal subscription for Hustler Magazine (Larry Andersen)

• Lifetime membership to Morrie’s wigs (Chris Wheeler)

• Several contacts for financial managers (Ryan Howard)

• 15 crates of horn rimmed glasses (Scott Franzke)

• 1 pair of gator skin boots and 25 corn cob pipes (Charlie Manuel)

• 1 red little league outfielder’s glove (Ben Revere)

• Several round trip tickets to Reading, Pennsylvania. No expiration date. (Darin Ruf)

• 1 “Hello my name is” sticker. (Aaron Altherr)

• 1 muzzle (Jonathan Papelbon)

• 1 pink slip (Ruben Amaro Jr.)

Wing Bowl 23 favorites and long shots
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The very subtle Wing Bowl 23 logo.

The most morbidly obese eating challenge in Philadelphia is nearly upon us, as Wing Bowl 23 is set to kick off at the Wells Fargo Center on Friday, Jan. 30. Originally developed by 94 WIP Morning Show’s Angelo Cataldi as a way to fight the stereotype of Philadelphia being a city filled with only gluttonous, boorish, drunken blue collar slobs, the Wing Bowl opens its doors each year for thousands of gluttonous, boorish, drunken blue collar slobs to get shit faced at 4 a.m.

If there’s anything this city likes more than drinking and watching fat guys eat as many chicken wings as they can in 30 minutes, it’s gambling on fat guys eating as many chicken wings as they can in 30 minutes. The CT has released a list of odds on the favorites in the competition, as well as a few long shots who just may take home first place in the competition.

As it has been in the past, first place for the Wing Bowl is an all expense paid trip to Jefferson Hospital for an emergency stent procedure.

The Favorites:

• Bill Simmons (aka El Wingador) – 2:1 to win – A former Wing Bowl champion, Simmons has agreed to come out of retirement for one last shot at glory. Simmons ran afoul of the law several years ago for a drug possession charge, but has assured Wing Bowl representatives he will only be selling cocaine prior to and after the competition. He will, though, be high on cocaine the entire day, but that’s just common sense.

• George “The Dumpster” Hammerstein – 6:1 to win – Hammerstein was recently diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, which shows his dedication. May miss the competition, unfortunately, if he can’t have his foot amputation surgery rescheduled.

• You – 10:1 – Come on man, what are you a pussy? Just jump down there and run through the crowd. If you can get by the security and get up on the podium, I’m sure Angelo would let you join, he would like have to! Don’t be a loser, just try it! Holy shit, he’s doing it Sully, he’s doing it! Oh god his wife is going to be so pissed.

The Long Shots:

• Mick Foley (aka Mankind, aka Dude Love, aka Cactus Jack) – 30:1 – Former professional wrestler Mick Foley signed up for the competition several weeks ago (no, it’s really true). The Hardcore legend is rumored to have a bottomless stomach, but has shown an unwillingness to show up to events if his barbed wire wrapped baseball bat is not allowed through security. Will have to focus on eating wings and resist urges to smash folding chairs across other competitors’ backs if he wishes to have success.

• Ryan Howard – 40:1 to win – Current Philadelphia Phillies first baseman signed on for the competition in lieu of preparing for spring training. When asked why he thought he had a chance to win, Howard proclaimed “Philadelphia fans have been calling me a fat piece of crap all year, so I’ll fit right in here.”

• A sense of dignity for anyone involved in this shit show – 1,000:1 – Don’t waste your time.

BREAKING NEWS: Ruben Amaro Jr. announces Phillies will embrace new technologies
Mandatory Myspace pages for players, employees, according to the Phillies GM.
rubenPhiladelphia, PA – Ruben Amaro Jr. revealed earlier today the organization will begin to embrace new, advanced statistics, scouting techniques and analytics by signing each and every one of its players and organizational employees on to MySpace before the starts of the 2015 season.
Amaro touted the “new technology” as being easy to use, cost effective and fun.
“I firmly believe this will give us a leg up as an organization and help us cast aside the notion that we’re antiquated and stodgy,” Amaro said. “I personally hired an outside IT firm to set up accounts for each player and employee, and we will be requiring daily, mandatory posts on each account and at least one favorite song posted to each wall.”

When asked how much he paid the firm for the set up, Amaro said it was in the “neighborhood of about $5 million. It’s a one-time only installation fee, coupled with an annual maintenance contract of just $750,000.”

Amaro asked reporters to crowd around his Imac as he logged onto his new account, giving them a preview of the future of the Philadelphia Phillies.

Amaro’s homepage was decorated with a number of Phillies emblems, a picture of the 2008 World Series trophy, and a photograph of his pet cat, Marmalade. A midi version of “Camptown Races” automatically began to play upon his logging in.

“Can you imagine how much time this will save our scouts? Why go out to a game, when prospects can just send us highlights online?” he said.

The only post on Amaro’s wall not written by the GM himself was from Phillies radio announcer Larry Andersen.

“Hey Rube, I heard the Red Sox want you to come up to Fenway tonight to discuss a trade for Howard. They told me they’ll give you three butts and a fart to be named later. LOLOLOLO you suck fruit!” the message simply read.
As of press time, Amaro had only two confirmed friends, and was awaiting responses on 6,743 users.