Philadelphia, PA – Ryan Howard, the last member of the 2008 World Series roster, bade farewell to the fans and the organization yesterday in what was his last game in a Phillies uniform.
The Phillies honored their beloved slugger prior to the start of yesterday’s game, allowing a tearful Howard to address the crowd.
“It’s amazing, the appreciation from the organization and the fans,” Howard said. “To have it recognized, it’ll live with me forever.”
POINT: I’ve done so much for this city.
Point columnist: Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard.
What happened this weekend was an absolute atrocity. I will be the first to admit (and I have admitted to the fact) that I have not played well this season. I understand the fan’s frustration, because I am extremely frustrated with myself as well. But to have a fan callously throw a beer bottle at me during Saturday’s game was just atrocious.
When fans feel it necessary to engage themselves in such dangerous behavior, it makes me wonder if they remember all that I did for this city?
Coming to grips with the end of a career filled with success, stealing items from the Phillies.
Clearwater, Fla – Coming to grips with reality that his best years are behind him, Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard expressed his tremendous gratitude to the Phillies for allowing him another season in the sun and an opportunity to hoard barrels of free sunflower seeds and Bazooka Joe gum.
The 11-year veteran had a smile on his face as he participated in a spirited round of pepper with his teammates, the sun on his face, and a cheek filled to the brim with Ranch flavored sunflower seeds.
I would say we are, yes.
2015 is the worst year I can remember experiencing in this city. The Phillies lose close to 100 games, the Eagles miss out on the playoffs with one of the most HATEABLE rosters in franchise history, the 76ers are historically terrible, and the Flyers are far and away the only bright spot in the city and they’re three games over .500.
It has not been a great year for sports in this city.
Snickers the possum.
Hey! Yes, it’s me, Snickers the possum. Ridiculous name for a possum, I know, but my mother was a touch rabid when I was born and she started to name us after pieces of trash she found on the ground in a virus laden haze. I don’t know for certain why she named me this, but if there is one thing I do know for certain, it is that Ruben Amaro Jr. is the worst general manager the Phillies have ever seen.
What, are you going to cry now?!
Philadelphia, PA – Maikel Franco, called up to the Phillies for the first time this season from AAA, showed up to the Phillies clubhouse this afternoon timidly clutching a sleeping bag and wandering around aimlessly looking for his locker.
Despite having spent a few weeks up with the big team last fall, Franco looked bewildered and nervous as his teammates hustled and joked around him.
Barely bringing his voice above a meek whisper and with tears starting to well up in his eyes, Franco approached Ryan Howard and asked the veteran slugger if he could point him in the direction of his locker.
“Rookies don’t get lockers until they smell this,” Howard said, grinning as he held up a jockstrap to Franco.
Franco quickly turned and walked away from a cackling Howard. He spent the next 20 minutes watching his teammates get ready for hitting practice from the entrance of the clubhouse restroom before a bat boy escorted him to his locker.
After depositing his backpack and sleeping back in the locker room, the embarrassed and intimidated rookie reportedly took his uniform into a utility closet to change. Upon exiting, he was greeted with howls of laughter and points from his teammates, who noticed the frazzled Franco had accidentally put his pants on backward.
Quickly retreating back into the closet to fix his pants, Franco scrambled to his locker and spent the remaining time before practice quietly whispering to his Iron Man action figure.
“They’re so mean to me Tony…I want to be back at Reading with my friends,” he said to his Avengers: Age of Ultron Iron Man action figure. “Everyone is so much bigger and older…I don’t think I can do this.”
As of press time, Franco had reportedly called his mother and requested she pick him up from Citizens Bank Park and bring him home. She reminded Franco that she and his father currently live in the Dominican Republic, and for him to send money soon.
The luckiest man on the (acne pocked) face of the earth.
Philadelphia, PA – With the announcement that starting, relieving, and all around horrid Cuban pitcher Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez had been dumped from the 40 man roster, waves of jealousy started to ride through the remaining roster that learned they would be with the team on opening day.
“It’s just…I don’t know. Sure it’s an honor to be starting opening day, but there really is something to be said for a pitcher making $4 million this year and not having to play on this team,” starting pitcher Cole Hamels said, deeply sighing as he watched Gonzalez board a bus to the minor leagues.
“Sure it’s a demotion, but at least he’s still making millions of dollars. Hell, at least in Triple A you won’t have to deal with Ruben Amaro bragging nonstop about his fantasy baseball team. Jesus, Ruben, your team sucks. Ryan Howard in the second round? Art imitates life, I suppose.”
The pitcher will get to hone his craft in front of just a few thousand, die hard fans in Reading, Pennsylvania, instead of being booed on a daily basis by 30,000 angry Phillies fans each night.
“I really love Philadelphia, I do. But sometimes….I just can’t deal with Amaro anymore. Enough with him,” Chase Utley said, shrugging as he took batting practice. “I wonder if the Dodgers need a second baseman? Even if they do, I’m sure Amaro will bungle the deal and I’ll never get out there.”
Freddy Galvis took a more succinct approach to his opinion on Gonzalez.
“That mother fucker hit the mother fucking jackpot,” he grumbled.
As of press time, Carlos Ruiz was seriously considering throwing himself down the clubhouse stairs in hopes that he would damage an important ligament and would have to retire.
Philadelphia, PA – Well, that’s it folks. After a day of polling, the people of Philadelphia have determined that the mere THOUGHT of petting this puppy has trumped the idea of watching the 2015 Phillies.
And really, who can blame the people who voted for the puppy. I mean, just look at this little guy. Who’s a good boy, who’s a good boy? Yes, yes you are a good boy!
Awwwwwwww!
Of course it’s easy to think about petting a puppy over the 2015 Phillies. They’re going to win 70 games at most this summer and devoted fans will have the privilege of watching once great players like Chase Utley and Ryan Howard playing at 50% of their normal capacity until they’re inevitably traded midway through the season.
But that little guy? He’ll give you 10 to 12 years of joy until you have to pull a Marley and Me on him, mourn for about two months, and then get another one.
Fuck the Phillies. Puppies all the way.
Philadelphia, PA – 94 WIP sports talk host Josh Innes took to the airwaves yesterday to discuss the recent statements of Jimmy Rollins, former Philadelphia Phillies. Innes calmly and eloquently broke down Rollins’ statements about Philadelphia not appreciating the dynamic he had with the fans, presenting a rationale argument for each of his talking points.
“He was never a superstar. He was a great player, but never a superstar, and it just shows you where his head is at if he’s describing himself as such,” Innes said. “It’s absurd for him to make these statements about his prowess as a player, but he does raise some valid points about the people of Philadelphia possibly holding him to a higher standard than other players on those great teams, like Chase Utley or Ryan Howard.”
Innes then lowered his microphone to his buttocks and flatulated into the live mic for 15 seconds.
“It seems as if he’s directly comparing himself to Chase Utley. He may be jealous of the attention and free pass Utley has gotten from fans for all these years. Can you really blame him?” Innes said, before bending over and sticking the microphone between his legs to let out several small, machine gun blasts of flatulence.
Bruno nodded along in agreement with Innes, and punctuated the end of the segment with a few quick sprays of Febreeze throughout the studio.
“Well, tomorrow on the show we’ll have former United States Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice on with us. She’ll be discussing the state of pro football with us, she’s a huge fan, Tony, and she’ll be sharing her thoughts with us on the turmoil in the Middle East,” he said. “Plus, we’ll have 5 strippers in here from Club Risque and we’ll be playing a round of our patented game, Bologna tits. 10 slices, 10 breasts, 10 throws. Should be a great show.”
Poor Ruben.
Clearwater, Fla – Since being named GM in 2009, Ruben Amaro Jr. has attempted to host an NCAA March Madness pool with members of the Phillies and for six years in a row no athlete or employee has signed up to participate.
“I don’t understand it. Every year I send out an email to everyone and nobody ever gets back to me in time. Nobody sends me brackets. It’s only $10 to join,” Amaro said, as he glumly looked at his computer yesterday afternoon before the start of the first games.
Amaro, who for the record predicted SMU would win the championship and most likely would have lost in the first round, dejectedly had to throw his bracket away for another year.
“I got all this pizza and some sandwiches, I thought everyone could watch the first round together,” he said, as he sat alone in his office, nobody even in the Clearwater complex despite there being no practice or game scheduled for the day. “I really thought some of the new guys would sign up, you know, just to keep on my good side. Grady Sizemore seemed interested, but it just never happened.”
CT reporters caught up with Ryan Howard, who was at a local Buffalo Wild Wings with about 35 of his teammates, and asked the slugger why nobody decided to participate with Ruben.
“He’s an ok guy I guess, but he’s so god damn boring. The last thing anyone wants is to cultivate any personal relationship with him outside of the office….he gets a bit, well, clingy. Everyone remembers the Aaron Rowand incident.”
Howard of course was citing the famed 2006 incident where former center fielder Rowand spent a lengthy amount of time on the DL for breaking his face in a collision with an outfield wall. He made the mistake of going to a bar with Amaro one day after a victory, and the GM called and texted him with abandon for the rest of the season.
“Besides, Larry Andersen holds one every year and it’s great. Everyone wants to do his,” Howard said.
Andersen, who was watching the games with two high priced escorts on his lap, pounded his Miller Lite and agreed with Howard.
“Ruben is a square. Nobody wants to hang out with him when they could hang out with good ol’ LA. Isn’t that right ladies?” He said, doing a bump of cocaine off of a Bowie knife that he sheathed back into a leather holster. “Winner of my tourney gets a huge pot and a hooker on LA’s tab. Not a bad haul if you ask me.”
As of press time, Amaro was pouring several liters of Shasta down a drain in the men’s room.
The Coggin Toboggan 