He’s free now, free and happy.
Philadelphia, PA – Unable to finally make a trade to send Phillies ace Cole Hamels to another team, Ruben Amaro made the heartbreaking decision to release the veteran pitcher into the wild and allow him to be free and happy.
Amaro drove Hamels to Fairmount Park after his second straight poor start on Sunday afternoon and opened the door to his Toyota Tercel, telling Hamels to leave and never come back.
Dead man walking (Photo credit: Emily Paine / The Morning Call)
Philadelphia, PA – Aaron Nola, the highest rated minor-league pitcher in the Phillies farm system, had the meeting every minor league player dreads this morning.
The Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs pitcher reportedly came out of a meeting with manager Dave Brundage in tears, punching his fist into a nearby locker before sitting on a stool with his head in his hands for close to 20 minutes straight.
South Los Angeles, Calif. – Perhaps validating one of the most troubled years of his career as a front office representative for the Philadelphia Phillies, Ruben Amaro Jr. won six “Shittie” awards, a competing sports award show held on the same evening as the ESPN “Espy” awards.
The ceremony took place at a YMCA in South Los Angeles from 3 to 5 p.m. yesterday, with some of the most well known names in sports in attendance. Hosted by Bill Cosby, sports dignitaries such as Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson and Tiger Woods all received “Shitties” for their accomplishments this past year.
One day after Ruben Amaro Jr. declared Chase Utley was no longer the starting second baseman for the Phillies going forward, our Coggin Toboggan reporters picked up snippets of a private conversation held between the two men. Utley and Amaro discussed the second baseman’s future and exchanged thoughts on where the organization would go with him in the future.
He’s real tired of the Phillies shit.
Philadelphia, PA – Vin Scully, a legend in broadcasting, eloquently ripped the Phillies play into shreds last night, almost as if he was offended the worst team in baseball had dared desecrate the game he has devoted over six decades of his life.
“It’s time for Dodger baseball! Hi, everybody, and a very pleasant good evening to you, wherever you may be. Tonight our beloved Dodgers will take on the Philadelphia Phillies, an affront to everything we love about this grand old game, in first of a four game series,” Scully said to open the game.
Third-base coach Pete Mackanin has found himself thrust into the limelight this week, as he was named interim manager for the Philadelphia Phillies and will likely finish out the rest of the year after Ryne Sandberg stepped down last week.
Casual fans might not know too much about the former third-base coach, so The Coggin Toboggan has gathered several strengths and weaknesses of the newest manager of the Philadelphia Phillies.
Strengths:
– Will be able to let teammates know exactly where they can find third base is in just about every stadium.
– His experience as a former bench coach will give him intimate knowledge of the literal BEST seat in the house for the Phillies dugout. Will be able to now pass down his wisdom to young athletes.
– His horn-rimmed glasses game is strong, second to only Chicago Cubs manager Joe Maddon.
– His slick backed, grey hair will likely drive the ladies of Philadelphia wild, a definite upgrade over Sandberg.
– Has promised to teach Cole Hamels how to pitch overhand on one of his days off.
Weaknesses:
– Has actually never seen an entire game. Left in the seventh inning of every single game he’s ever coached to “beat the traffic.”
– Coached the Montreal Expos from 1997 to 2000.
– Has yet to reveal to organization he has had two glass eyes since 2009.
– Has the full backing and support of Ruben Amaro Jr.
– Was once described as a “belly itcher” by an opposing athlete, has yet to get over it.
The newest member of the Philadelphia waste management division.
Philadelphia, PA – After resigning in stunning fashion last Friday, baseball hall of famer Ryne Sandberg reportedly was hired by the city as a seasonal waste management employee.
He began his route this morning as part of a three man garbage crew with a 35 block radius in South Philadelphia. The ex-manager’s duties include hoisting garbage cans up to his shoulder and disposing of the detritus into the back of the garbage trucks in a timely and efficient manner.
After one day on the job, Sandberg described it as “the most fulfilling and enjoyable job I’ve had in the past two years.”
“It’s amazing how great this job can be. I’ve forgotten how nice it is to wake up in the morning and not dread going to work,” Sandberg said in mid trash can dump, garbage juice trickling down from the can onto his bare neck.
Sandberg said it’s been a “joy” to sift through thrown away baby diapers to reach the recyclables a careless Philadelphia citizen had mixed in with his or her smelly garbage.
“The other day I found a really sweet radio that wasn’t even broken. My boss, Hank (Machinelli) let me keep it. More than Amaro gave me in two years, cheap bastard,” Sandberg said, fecal matter smeared over his face and jumpsuit.
As of press time, Sandberg has reportedly signed a three-year deal with the city of Philadelphia, leading 95% of the remainign Phillies employees to experience pangs of jealousy.
(above) Some loser.
Philadelphia, PA – The last piece to the Cliff Lee trade has been released from the Phillies organization, as relief pitcher Phillippe Aumont did not accept an assignment to the minors and has become a free agent.
Aumont represented the last piece of the Cliff Lee in 2009. The reliever was none to pleased to be released and let Manager Ryne Sandberg know it yesterday when he stormed into the skipper’s office.
Philadelphia, PA
– The bad news keeps rolling in for baseball’s estranged son, as new evidence in the incriminating pages of the notebook confiscated by Major League Baseball in 1989 has shown Pete Rose most certainly placed several bets during his playing days with the Phillies.
Famous for being an intricate part of the 1980 World Series championship squad, Rose placed several bets during his time with the Phillies.
Please sign him, Ruben.
No Dario Saric next year, Joel Embiid’s foot fell off last week (or so I’ve heard) and the Lakers may draft D’Angelo Russell, ruining literally MINUTES of work I put in on Twitter to interview the kid.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Philadelphia sports scene moving into the depths of summer. Did you know yesterday was the official first day of summer? I bet you didn’t, but it’s all downhill from here folks until we find ourselves in another dank, dark, depressing Northeast winter.
The Coggin Toboggan 