Philadelphia Eagles

Howard Eskin has gone full heel and there is nobody better in Philadelphia

Howard Eskin has gone from radio jackass nobody liked to full-on Philadelphia sports heel and nobody is doing a better job in the Philadelphia media than he is right now.

It’s not even close. Is there anyone more entertaining right now than Eskin? Especially on Twitter? Whether he’s HILARIOUSLY misspelling names (Cluff Lee is an all-timer) or randomly picking fights with loser wide receivers from the Cowboys, everything he touches turns to gold.

Who would cultivate a week-long beef with no-name Cowboys wide receiver Cole Beasley and subsequently choke slam him through a barbed wire table (metaphorically) just HOURS after the Eagles demolished the Cowboys on Sunday Night Football.

Who does this other than heel Howard? He is a full on WWF heel…picking on the weak and defenseless in order to put himself over….and he’s doing it in the most entertaining way possible.

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Colin Cowherd announces he will be at Sunday’s Eagles game. What should be done?

Well well well, look at what we have here. Human ventriloquist dummy Colin Cowherd announced today on Twitter (if he’s not lying, which he most likely is) he will be in attendance at Sunday’s Eagles game, sitting somewhere in section 217.

The proof, as the famous saying goes, is in the Twitter of the plastic-faced, ratings hungry dullard:

I’m SURE he’s lying and will not actually be at the game Sunday. Would you show up in front of 40,000 rabid Philadelphians who have been drinking in the Jetro lots since 5 a.m., just a mere 6 days since you spouted out this nonsense:

But if he is…what should be done about it? What wrath shall be brought down upon one of the most hated talking heads in America?

I hesitate to suggest this course of action because of its…well….intense nature, but should we really be sympathetic when it comes to Cowherd? Doesn’t he deserve to be put in his place and finally pay the price for all of foul and vile statements he has made in the past?

I think so, but this suggestion is akin to dropping a nuclear bomb. It will bring about victory, but at what cost? What destruction will be wrought from our victory? Do we need to ruin a man’s life over something said on a poorly rated and low viewed radio/television show?

Yes. Yes we do.

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Jon Dorenbos is traded and Eagles Twitter vomits all over itself

jon-dorenbosBefore I start mocking the INSANE reactions to the Jon Dorenbos trade that so many decided to share on Twitter, it needs to be said that Dorenbos seemed like an insanely nice guy. His incredibly sad childhood and his determination to better himself through football and magic are inspirational and should PROBABLY be made into a movie one day (the Dorenbos role played by Miles Teller, obviously). Anyone who met him seemed to really enjoy him and had nothing but great things to say about him.

But let’s all calm down for just a second. He’s old, he’s a long snapper, and his younger long snapping replacement played well in his absence last year. When was the last time a GM actually traded a long snapper and got a draft pick for him? The answer? NEVER (I have no idea, but I’m too lazy to actually research this blatant assumption).

If he wasn’t a magician and hadn’t appeared on America’s Got Talent last year (which was awesome) nobody would have cared. Did anyone care when Mike Bartrum retired? YOU DID NOT.

On the bright side, he’s going to play in New Orleans, where the average resident thinks magic is real. BUSINESS WILL BE A BOOMING.

Let’s delve into the Twitter swamp. Did your asinine tweet make the cut? Let’s take a look after the jump.

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An Eagles season and the five stages of grief

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In 1969, Elizabeth Kubler published her seminal book on death and dying, titled…err…”On Death and Dying,” which first put forth the idea of the “Five Stages of Grief.” While working with terminally ill patients, Kubler observed that patients typically traveled through “five stages” after being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance have become the widely accepted stages of terminally ill patients and has been expanded to people going through traumatic or life changing events. While the stages may be different for each individual, the theory has proven to be a valuable tool in helping those coping with tremendous stress and anxiety in their lives.

Sounds like an Eagles fan to me.

After years of great wailing and gnashing of teeth watching the Eagles flounder through season after season, I’ve identified the classic five stages every fan experiences watching one of the most inept franchises in the NFL fuck its way through lost season after lost season.

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SHOCKING: Rhys Hoskins, newest Phillies call-up, can’t recall Eagles 2016 record

 

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Rhys Hoskins is already in hot water with Philadelphia (photo credit: MLB.com)

The Rhys Hoskins era is already off to a tenuous start in Philadelphia.

The eagerly anticipated Phillies call-up fielded questions from reporters this morning, but the first baseman/left fielder found himself in hot water after failing to correctly answer a fluff question from Phillies field reporter Gregg Murphy about the 2016 Eagles record.

“The Eagles start their preseason tonight against the Green Bay Packers, how do you think they’ll do this year?” Murph casually asked the 24-year-old slugger prior to his first organized practice with the team.

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Eagles coaches raving about Marcus Smith’s Uber rating

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Eagles position coaches were buzzing Wednesday morning about recently arrived defensive lineman Marcus Smith, parcticularly in regards to the young man’s 5-star Uber driver rating, claiming he had shown vast improvement already over last year.

When asked to give an assessment of Smith so far, Chris Wilson, the defensive line coach of the Eagles, said Smith’s 1992 Toyota Tercel was “practically spotless” and he “always asks you if there’s a specific route you want him to go, or if he should just use Waze.”

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SCANDAL: Shorr-Parks admits to never attending an Eagles OTA, no journalist has
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Eliot Shorr-Parks is blowing the lid off of a massive Philadelphia sports media scandal.

In a stunning admission this morning on NJ.com, Eagles beat writer Eliot Shorr-Parks published a column apologizing to his readers after he admitted to not attending a single Eagles OTA this season, nor any over his entire journalistic career.

In fact, no sports journalist has ever attended an OTA in the past decade, he claimed.

The veteran journalist admitted to “just hanging out at a bar” for several hours each day with a number of other journalists from various city publications who were supposed to be covering the informal team workouts leading up to July training camp.

“Everything you read about OTAs in any of the newspapers in this city? All made up. Nobody actually goes to them, who would do that?” he wrote in a column published on NJ.com this morning. “We tried to cover them at first, but they’re so boring. Athletes running around in their shorts, playing catch? You try to crank out 1,000 words a day on that bullshit.”

“Where do they even hold OTAs anyways? Clearwater? No, that’s baseball…umm….Lehigh Valley? That sounds about right.”

Shorr-Parks decided to come clean this year, though, claiming he was feeling guilty about lying to his readers.

However, it’s believed he was forced to admit to his scam after accidentally publishing a screen shot from the NES classic “Tecmo Super Bowl” on his Twitter account over the weekend and trying to pass it off as action from OTAs.

“QB Eagles looks great this year! Really working hard on his touchdown celebrations,” Shorr-Parks wrote under the published photo.

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‘We can takes cues from 76ers on injured players,’ says Roseman after taking mallet to cornerback’s knee

102813-howie-roseman-600After vigorously bashing recently selected cornerback Sidney Jones’s knee into a pulp with a croquet mallet, Howie Roseman held a press conference and assured the media that the Eagles were taking a cue from the 76ers medical staff on how to handle their injured prospects.

Jones, a highly regarded and talented cornerback, was selected by the Eagles in the 2nd round despite suffering a ruptured Achilles tendon at his pro-day workout.

“We can take a cue from the team across the street, and how they deal with injured players,” Roseman said, calmly washing the thick blood from his hands.

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Philadelphia cheapskates rejoice as Fred Barnett jerseys miraculously given second life

NFL: 2017 NFL DraftThousands of penny pinching cheapskates throughout Philadelphia rejoiced Thursday night after the Eagles announced Derek Barnett as their 14th pick in the 2017 NFL Draft.

The realization that several rolls of duct tape, a black magic marker and a steady hand could alter the Fred Barnett number 86 jersey into a Derek Barnett number 9 jersey pleased the city’s misers to no end.

“It’s a draft day miracle. My Fred Barnett jersey has risen again and will have a new life,” Angelo Maranaro of South Philadelphia said, celebrating the pick in a Chinese made Fletcher Cox knock-off jersey he purchased for $10 off ebay.

Maranaro then high-fived a friend clothed in a number 81 jersey that had the name of Terrell Owens crossed off in magic marker and replaced with Jason Avant.

The elation felt by the Philadelphia congregation of skinflints Thursday evening could only be potentially rivaled by the Eagles signing backup quarterback Colt McCoy and the athlete selecting to play in the number 25.

 

BREAKING: Maureen Crowley William rushes NFL draft stage, costs Eagles 1st Round Pick
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MCW file photo (Credit: crossingbroad.com)

Just moments after the 2017 NFL draft went live on the air, ex-97.5 the Fanatic morning show producer Maureen Crowley Williams rushed NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, appearing live on-camera wearing a “Down with the Fanatic” t-shirt.

The ex-producer, better known as MCW, had not been heard or seen by the media since being let go by the sports talk radio station earlier this April.

As boos rained down from the crowd, the embattled ex-producer briefly grabbed onto Goodell before showing off her shirt, flashing the shocker sign to the camera, and being gang tackled by NFL security.

The frazzled Goodell took several moments to compose himself before making a crucial draft night announcement.

“The city of Philadelphia should be disgusted by this miscreant on stage tonight. For this embarrassment, I hereby decree the Eagles forfeit their first round pick. May god have mercy on your soul,” he said to the restrained MCW.

At press time, MCW had been tarred, feathered, and run out of town.