Flyers

Patrick Kane: I thought they were saying ‘Go Kane Go’

KaneChicago, IL – Embattled superstar Patrick Kane, currently under investigation for allegedly raping a woman in a Buffalo bar, said he was pleasantly surprised Wednesday evening when Philadelphia Flyers fans serenaded him with what he thought were chants of support.

Kane said he didn’t figure out what the Flyers fans were saying until midway around the third period when a teammate clued him in to the serenading chants directed his way the entire game.

“I thought they were saying ‘go Kane go.’ When (Marian) Hossa told me what they were really saying, well, that was much more hurtful,” Kane said.

(more…)

Flyers website traffic increases by 8,000%

Flyers-LogoPhiladelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Flyers office team website crashed yesterday around 4:30 p.m. after its usual traffic increased by approximately 8,000%, completely overloading the organization’s servers.

Flyers representatives reported the servers were down for around three hours as IT employees tried to scramble to handle the influx of traffic.

“It was the damndest thing I had ever seen. I turned off the Eagles game and tried to log into the site and it just wasn’t working. Google said the site was overloaded, I’ve never seen that before,” said Thomas Ingram, head website developer of the Flyers.

As of Monday morning at 10 a.m., the Flyers had reportedly sold 5,000 more pairs of season tickets and Flyers jerseys saw an increase of 500% in sales. A number of potential buyers were even inquiring if the Flyers accepted trade-ins of other city team jerseys for Flyers discounts.

“This city must be hockey crazy! It’s going to be a great year!” Ingram said.

As of press time, DeMarco Murray jersey sales plummeted by 90,000% from last week.

Pronger contract livid it was traded to Phoenix

Stubbs-Cole-Contract-LawPhiladelphia, PA – After four days since being traded, Chris Pronger’s contract broke its silence and lambasted the Flyers for trading it to Phoenix.

“Phoenix, are you fucking kidding me? Phoenix of all places….it’s like being traded to Siberia. What have I done to deserve this? Hextall, if I ever see you again I’m going to give you the biggest paper cut,” The $4.9 million contract said. “And you trade me there with Nicklas Grossman? No way in hell I’m sharing a flight out there with that mouth breather.”

The contract proceeded to break a wooden desk to pieces in front of several stunned reporters.

Stephen Whyno, an NHL reporter and analyst, said the Phoenix Coyotes have had their eyes on the contract for years and believe he still has a lot to bring to the table.

“The contract instantly becomes the most valuable piece of their organization…and I’m not saying that in a figurative way, it is literally more valuable than anything they have. The arena they play in was recently assessed at just $1.2 million,” he said.

Despite its insistence it would not play for Phoenix, team representatives fully expect it to be on ice at the start of training camp.

As of press time, the embattled contract was mulling over whether it should set itself on fire or actually make the trip to the desert.

Philadelphia absolutely buzzing about the draft

sparkle-quotePhiladelphia, PA – Philadelphia is frenetic today as all minds are on the draft. Little work is likely being done, as employees everywhere are keeping their eyes on their bosses as they surf the internet to gobble up as much information as they can on the local sports scene.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, it’s the most EXCITING day of the year.

(more…)

BREAKING: Flyers hire Reggie “Reg” Dunlop as next head coach
File photo of Reggie "Reg" Dunlop.

File photo of Reggie “Reg” Dunlop.

Philadelphia, PA – In a surprise move this morning, Philadelphia Flyers GM Ron Hextall announced the next head coach of the organization. Reggie “Reg” Dunlop will officially be named as the 19th head coach of the Philadelphia Flyers.

The move comes as a bit of surprise to fans and the hockey world, as Dunlop has no previous NHL experience. His last coaching experience was with the Charlestown Chiefs in the Federal League, a low level, semi-professional league.

Dunlop served as a player-coach for the Chiefs, and it’s unknown if he will do so for the Flyers.

“Reggie has years of experience coaching and playing. His hard nosed, but loose, style of coaching will fit well with the Flyers and fans will love him,” Hextall said.

Even though he has no NHL experience, Dunlop has a proven track record of grooming young and exciting hockey prospects. Of course, Dave “Killer” Carlson and Ned Braden are two of the lesser known players groomed by Dunlop, but the three most well known prospects were the fabled Hanson brothers (Jeff, Steve and Jack) who led the Federal League in penalty minutes for 10 straight seasons.

Dunlop has had several on-ice incidents which may be construed as black marks against his character, including putting a bounty on the head of rival forward Tim “Dr. Hook” McCracken and inciting a bench clearing brawl after claiming Tommy Hanrahan’s wife was a lesbian.

Despite his eccentricities, Dunlop is known for his affinity for “Old-time hockey.”

“I’m looking forward to showing these guys the ropes. Heard you have some great bars in Philadelphia, should be a real gas,” Dunlop said at an impromptu press conference this morning. “You have some great sportswriters here too, they really capture the spirit of the thing, you know?”

As of press time, Dunlop was reportedly feeding a rumor to Philadelphia Inquirer Flyer beat writer Sam Carchidi that a wealthy retirement community in Florida was interested in purchasing the team.

Craig Berube sent to unemployment box

BerubeDL_2013_2Sorry Craig, apparently “Rowdy” Ron Hextall got tired of the nonsense you put the roster through for the past season. Zac Rinaldo playing in front of Lecavalier? REALLY? Vinny was fairly terrible this year, but he’ll give you more impact on the ice compared to Rinaldo. If you need someone to throw and elbow and get a 10 minute game misconduct in the first five minutes, Zac’s your guy.

It’s been fun, Craig. You had a hell of a run last year and the magic just didn’t translate over to this season. Nice to see the career years by Voracek, Mason and Giroux were wasted during their prime playing years.

Here are a few predictions for what happens to The Chief now:

– Immediately hired back by Ed Snider for a front office position under Hextall.

– Signed to play for the team next year, as Snider deems the roster too soft.

– Opens a barbershop and calls it, “Chief’s Tomahawk Shop: Where we gettem you a good deal for your wampum.”

– Waits outside of the WFC to fight Steve Mason.

Fuck ya’ll, all ya’ll

HI top fadeEvery so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (18-58). Who is even on this team anymore?

To all you pieces of garbage that wanted us traded? FUCK YOU. LOOK AT US NOW, MOTHER FUCKERS.

(more…)

Drunken, shirtless Ron Hextall announces he’ll be starting in goal tonight

hextall080614_672Vancouver, British Columbia – Perhaps frustrated as of late by his team’s mediocre play and inspired by St. Patrick’s Day, a visibly intoxicated Ron Hextall held an impromptu press conference on the tarmac of the Vancouver International Airport, in which he stated he would be starting in goal tonight for the Philadelphia Flyers.

“Steve Lason (sic) has been great for us recently, but he needs a night off. I’ll be stepping in between the pipes tonight….who wants to tell me I can’t?” Hextall said, slurring every other word as team officials pleaded with the current GM to leave the airport and take a nap at the hotel.

(more…)

Obscure Philadelphia Athlete of the Week: Dave Babych
DaveBabych

Dave Babych’s mustache led the league in penalty minutes in 1985.

Dave Babych, you marvelous son of a bitch. A depth defender on the Philadelphia Flyers for a season and a half, Babych’s main claim to fame on the squad was an unbelievable handlebar mustache (and a horrific lawsuit against the Flyers in 2002 that claimed a misdiagnosis of a foot injury shortened his career, but who’s counting) that he used to deter opponents due to its shear awesomeness.

(more…)

Braydon Coburn made aware of trade by brick through window
Braydon Coburn, during a less horrific moment of his life.

Braydon Coburn, during a less horrific moment of his life.

Philadelphia, PA – Early this morning, around 2 a.m., Braydon Coburn was traded from the Philadelphia Flyers to the Tampa Bay Lightning for a 2015 1st and 3rd round pick and defenseman Radko Gudas. However, after the deal was made, Flyers GM Ron Hextall could not reach the 30-year-old defenseman through his cell phone to notify him of the move.

Showing the team’s new dedication to high level analytics, Hextall chalked up a plan never before seen to make sure the defenseman knew he was on his way out of Philadelphia.

(more…)