Chase Utley

Exclusive look at Chase Utley’s ad thanking Philadelphia fans

PHI+chase+utley+042611Chase Utley is staying as classy as ever, as the beloved veteran second baseman has taken out a full page advertisement thanking the fans of Philadelphia for his time as a member of the Phillies.

The ad, which will run in the Inquirer and Daily News, offers a heartfelt message from Utley to the fans who supported him during his 13-year career in the city.

Sources within The Coggin Toboggan have received a copy of the advertisement, which you can see after the jump.

Just a warning. If you haven’t already cried about Utley being traded, this is going to be difficult to read.

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Chase Utley will only agree to trade if given opportunity to dirty uniform on daily basis

Chase-Utley-PhilliesPhiladelphia, PA – Details are emerging about a potential trade for long time second baseman and face of the Phillies franchise Chase Utley through the waiver wire over the weekend. Despite the injuries of the aged second baseman, several potential contending playoff teams are vying for his services, including the Chicago Cubs and San Francisco Giants.

Utley, however, has several demands of his own, as the veteran can deny any potential trade.

“I’ve been in Philadelphia for a long time. I love playing here, so if I’m going to be traded, I need a guarantee from the team I’m traded to that I will be given an opportunity to get my uniform on a daily basis,” Utley said.

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Chase Utley gearing up for one last depressing run

Chase-Utley-PhilliesPhiladelphia, PA – Yesterday, early visitors to Citizen’s Bank Park were not alone, as Chase Utley’s bat cracked through the stadium as he took part in an extra batting session several hours before the Phillies afternoon game was scheduled to begin.

It’s a testament to Utley’s spirit, who is working hard to ensure he gets healthy just in time to completely tarnish his legacy in the final stretch of the season.

“That’s the plan. Hopefully I’ll make some minor league rehab appearances next week and be back with the club in two weeks. From then on, I plan to languish away on the bench behind the more effective younger second baseman, making fans depressed at how my career is ending,” Utley said. “It should be great.”

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BREAKING NEWS: Chase Utley responds to Ruben Amaro Jr.’s comments

PHI+chase+utley+042611One day after Ruben Amaro Jr. declared Chase Utley was no longer the starting second baseman for the Phillies going forward, our Coggin Toboggan reporters picked up snippets of a private conversation held between the two men. Utley and Amaro discussed the second baseman’s future and exchanged thoughts on where the organization would go with him in the future.

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Entire Phillies Roster: Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez most envied athlete in organization

The luckiest man on the (acne pocked) face of the earth.

The luckiest man on the (acne pocked) face of the earth.

Philadelphia, PA – With the announcement that starting, relieving, and all around horrid Cuban pitcher Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez had been dumped from the 40 man roster, waves of jealousy started to ride through the remaining roster that learned they would be with the team on opening day.

“It’s just…I don’t know. Sure it’s an honor to be starting opening day, but there really is something to be said for a pitcher making $4 million this year and not having to play on this team,” starting pitcher Cole Hamels said, deeply sighing as he watched Gonzalez board a bus to the minor leagues.

“Sure it’s a demotion, but at least he’s still making millions of dollars. Hell, at least in Triple A you won’t have to deal with Ruben Amaro bragging nonstop about his fantasy baseball team. Jesus, Ruben, your team sucks. Ryan Howard in the second round? Art imitates life, I suppose.”

The pitcher will get to hone his craft in front of just a few thousand, die hard fans in Reading, Pennsylvania, instead of being booed on a daily basis by 30,000 angry Phillies fans each night.

“I really love Philadelphia, I do. But sometimes….I just can’t deal with Amaro anymore. Enough with him,” Chase Utley said, shrugging as he took batting practice. “I wonder if the Dodgers need a second baseman? Even if they do, I’m sure Amaro will bungle the deal and I’ll never get out there.”

Freddy Galvis took a more succinct approach to his opinion on Gonzalez.

“That mother fucker hit the mother fucking jackpot,” he grumbled.

As of press time, Carlos Ruiz was seriously considering throwing himself down the clubhouse stairs in hopes that he would damage an important ligament and would have to retire.

The people have spoken

Philadelphia, PA – Well, that’s it folks. After a day of polling, the people of Philadelphia have determined that the mere THOUGHT of petting this puppy has trumped the idea of watching the 2015 Phillies.

And really, who can blame the people who voted for the puppy. I mean, just look at this little guy. Who’s a good boy, who’s a good boy? Yes, yes you are a good boy!

just-a-cute-puppy

Awwwwwwww!

Of course it’s easy to think about petting a puppy over the 2015 Phillies. They’re going to win 70 games at most this summer and devoted fans will have the privilege of watching once great players like Chase Utley and Ryan Howard playing at 50% of their normal capacity until they’re inevitably traded midway through the season.

But that little guy? He’ll give you 10 to 12 years of joy until you have to pull a Marley and Me on him, mourn for about two months, and then get another one.

Fuck the Phillies. Puppies all the way.

Josh Innes brilliantly breaks down Jimmy Rollins’ statements, farts long, hard into microphone

20150201-Tony-Bruno-John-InnessPhiladelphia, PA – 94 WIP sports talk host Josh Innes took to the airwaves yesterday to discuss the recent statements of Jimmy Rollins, former Philadelphia Phillies. Innes calmly and eloquently broke down Rollins’ statements about Philadelphia not appreciating the dynamic he had with the fans, presenting a rationale argument for each of his talking points.

“He was never a superstar. He was a great player, but never a superstar, and it just shows you where his head is at if he’s describing himself as such,” Innes said. “It’s absurd for him to make these statements about his prowess as a player, but he does raise some valid points about the people of Philadelphia possibly holding him to a higher standard than other players on those great teams, like Chase Utley or Ryan Howard.”

Innes then lowered his microphone to his buttocks and flatulated into the live mic for 15 seconds.

“It seems as if he’s directly comparing himself to Chase Utley. He may be jealous of the attention and free pass Utley has gotten from fans for all these years. Can you really blame him?” Innes said, before bending over and sticking the microphone between his legs to let out several small, machine gun blasts of flatulence.

Bruno nodded along in agreement with Innes, and punctuated the end of the segment with a few quick sprays of Febreeze throughout the studio.

“Well, tomorrow on the show we’ll have former United States Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice on with us. She’ll be discussing the state of pro football with us, she’s a huge fan, Tony, and she’ll be sharing her thoughts with us on the turmoil in the Middle East,” he said. “Plus, we’ll have 5 strippers in here from Club Risque and we’ll be playing a round of our patented game, Bologna tits. 10 slices, 10 breasts, 10 throws. Should be a great show.”

It’s Friday the 13th. Who would be doomed? (hint: everyone)

Quick, everyone run into that abandoned hospital, we'll be safe in there.

Quick, everyone run into that abandoned hospital, we’ll be safe in there.

If there’s one thing we love at the Coggin Toboggan almost as much as we love Philadelphia sports, it’s horror movies. Today, of course, is Friday the 13th, the infamous date of one of the longest running horror franchises in movie history. Hell, we’re up to 11 original movies and a reboot, with more in sight, so why not take a look at some local Philadelphia sports figures and give our best estimations on whether or not they’d survive one of the Friday the 13th movies?

We’ll just run this down list style, and after taking a look at some of these losers I don’t think there’s going to be much of a chance for any of them.

We’ve given this a lot of thought and have really looked at the following figures and their intangibles, so lets see who will survive and who will die a gruesome, gruesome death.

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Odubel Herrera can’t wait to be overpaid by Ruben Amaro, plus other spring training notes

usa-odubel-herrera-slide_0Clearwater, Fla – Following a stellar two game opening to the 2015 spring training, new rule 5 draft member of the Phillies Odubel Herrera told reporters through a translator that he can’t wait to have a solid year for the team, and then be promptly signed to an organization-crippling contract.

“It will be an honor to follow in the footsteps of some of the guys that have been here for years past their prime, like Ryan Howard and Chase Utley,” he said. “Hopefully the city will enjoy a few of my good years, and then curse Ruben for keeping me on far too long after my usefulness has declined.”

The speedy infield and outfielder said if fans are lucky he will be signed to a multi-year deal and promptly undergo some kind of microfracture surgery to accelerate the process.

In other spring training news:

• Mike Schmidt, who has taken Dom Brown under his wing, has mistakingly been calling the young player by the name Tom Drown all spring. Nobody has cared enough to correct him as of yet. The CT will be keeping tabs on this story as it develops.

• Darrin Ruf and Freddy Galvis reportedly had to be separated by several teammates yesterday after they were heard having a heated argument over who would be a bigger disappointment this season.

• After allowing two runs in two innings during his first appearance, Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez was placed on a wooden raft by manager Ryne Sandberg and nudged out into the ocean towards the direction of Cuba.

• Ruben Amaro reportedly lost the team’s international player signing budget after he wired $5.6 million to a “Nigerian Prince” who sent him an email in December, telling him he would place Amaro in his will for the sum of “12 MILION DOLLLARS US OF A DOLLARS” if he sent him the money through Western Union.

• Charlie Manuel, in town as a special hitting instructor for the Phillies, is still fuming after his recent betrayal at the hands of Ric Flair at last months Royal Rumble. Manuel cut several seething promos to the Nature Boy, promising him that the next time they see each other will be different.

“Naitch, listen here. I used to call you my friend, now the next time we meet I’ll be stomping a mud hole in your ass.”

Flair has yet to respond.