Andy Reid

BREAKING: Records show Andy Reid on leaked Ashley Madison list

outsmartedNotable names keep popping up in the wake of the hacked Ashley Madison client list, but perhaps no name is as notable for Philadelphia sports fans as Andy Reid, who was shown to have used the site between 2003 and 2005.

Reid, coach of the Eagles from 1999-2012, was shown to have actively used the site to meet several women in the tri-state area. Reid, now a coach with the Kansas City Chiefs, declined to speak with Coggin Toboggan reporters who asked him for a comment.

Data shows Reid used the site actively during his three-year subscription and spoke with several women but never met with any.

The first, Amy Johnson, 46, of Malvern, was a wedded mother of two children who worked with Tastykake from 1988 to the present.

The Coggin Toboggan procured the 2003 Ashley Madison transcripts from the illicit couple’s first discussion.

WARNING. The following is most definitely an adult discussion and should not be viewed by children under the age of 18.

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Reports from Eagles practice describe “incredible freakout” by Les Bowen

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Les Bowen in calmer times

Philadelphia, PA – Reports coming out of yesterday’s Eagles practice are sketchy , but what can definitely be confirmed from the afternoon session is veteran Daily News reporter Les Bowen threw, what eyewitness could only describe as, an “absolute shit fit” when linebacker Kiko Alonso did not show up for a Q&A session with the media.

Tim Smithely, a front office public assistant, said Bowen went into an “absolute conniption fit” when the press officer mentioned Alonso had declined to participate in the media session.

“All of a sudden he just threw his arms up in the air and loudly stomped away from the group, grumbling about deadlines and wasted time. It was an incredible freakout, I haven’t seen anything like it in all my years with the team,” Smithely said.

Smithely added that it was “definitely a good old fashioned hissy fit.”

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Lesean McCoy: Chip Kelly made black players pick weeds out of field before practice

mccoyBuffalo, NY – Chip Kelly, former Eagles running back, continued his media tour and leveled several harsh criticisms at Chip Kelly in a recent interview with ESPN the Magazine.

Several of McCoy’s comments could be construed calling his former head coach a racist.

“Prior to every practice, Chip would make all of the black players pick weeds out of the field before practice. He ordered us to sing old-school spirituals as well. He did it every single practice and the white players would just sit there and watch us. He was awful. I remember he gave Nick Foles a whip and told him to use it liberally if we didn’t get everything finished 10 minutes prior to practice,” Kelly told the bewildered ESPN reporter.

While all evidence points to the contrary and no video exists of such an order, McCoy doubled down and said Kelly would keep him in chains in the NovaCare Complex, only to release him on game days and for team practices.

When called out on his claims for being in no way truthful by several of his current Buffalo Bills teammates who overheard the interview and were horrified by his statements, McCoy said he may have misremembered things.

“Look, it was a long time ago, I might be mistaken. Ok, MAYBE he didn’t make us pick weeds before practice or keep me in chains, but he was a dick. Plain and simple. And being a dick is just as bad as being a racist, I think we can all agree on that,” he said.

Nobody agreed with him.

As of press time, Eagles fans were arguing if McCoy’s statements today were worse than when he claimed Andy Reid forcibly drafted him from the University of Pittsburgh and shipped him to Philadelphia in an old wooden boat.

Sam Hinkie improvs 15-minutes of material on Philadelphia sports media members

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Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps belied by his impromptu, off-the-cuff take down of Howard Eskin during last Thursday’s press conference, Philadelphia 76ers GM Sam Hinkie performed nearly a 15-minute routine in which he insulted just about every sports media member in attendance.

“Where is Howard Eskin, that in the middle of a werewolf transformation mother fucker,” Hinkie asked, borrowing a line from the late Patrice Oneil. “Is he still in Florida? Tell him Andy Reid is in Kansas City and needs his dick sucked.”

Hinkie left his podium and delivered several biting, blistering lines to the stunned members of the Philadelphia press he had invited to the conference.

“Oh you didn’t like that I traded Michael Carter Williams last week, Angelo? You don’t know what a father should tell his son who has a Michael Carter Williams jersey? I’m not sure about that, but that father should definitely tell his son not to listen to some ancient hack columnist whose legacy will be that of morbid obesity in the form of a wing eating competition,” Hinkie said, his face inches away from Cataldi’s. “I wouldn’t fuck your fat pussy with Rhea Hughes’ cock.”

He moved around the room with the precision of a surgeon, stopping in front of each reporter to levy more insults, each more personal than the last.

“Have you seen these new advertisements the Daily News is putting around the city for Marcus Hayes? Great strategy. His  fat fuck face is so swollen it needs the side of two bus stops to fit on. His picture looks like he smells like a combination of rotten cheese and garlic.”

Hayes reportedly wept softly for the remainder of the media session.

Capping off the massive insult session, Hinkie went into overdrive and described the following members of the media as such:

Dei Lynam: “How does she still have a job in this town? I’d say it was nepotism if she were better looking.”

– Les Bowen: “This old mother fucker can’t go to a funeral without people wondering how the corpse got out of its coffin.”

– John Gonzalez: “Someone check his green card, he’s taking a job away from a more talented American journalist.”

– Jim Adair of Crossingbroad – “Watching this goofy bastard take shots on the Wells Fargo Center court this offseason made me realize there are certain ‘athletes’ out there that you can’t trade for a second round draft pick. Piece of shit looks like someone who has forgotten to take his seizure medication.”

As of press time, Marcus Hayes was seen still sobbing in his car in the parking lot.

Steven Singer: Fuck it, we’re gold plating everything

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You’ll really hate Steven Singer after spending $300 on a gold-dipped plate of shit.

Philadelphia, PA – Steven Singer, owner of Steven Singer Jewelers, a popular jewelry store that run advertisements on 94 WIP, The Howard Stern Show and the Opie and Jim Norton show, revealed a new direction his store would be taking for the remaining two weeks until Valentine’s Day.

Traditionally, Steven Singer Jewelers offers a different colored gold plated rose each Valentine’s season. Having run out of this year’s “butterscotch” colored rose with two weeks left in the season, Singer had to scramble for a solution.

“Just grab anything you can from the office, I don’t give a fuck what it is. Staplers, a cordless phone, a telephone book….anything at all god damnit!” Singer reportedly screamed to employees at his store on the corner of 7th and Walnut. “Anything that can fit in the gold dipper, just do it you fucks. People will buy anything that’s plated in gold, lets sell these blue collar slobs anything we can. Move move move!”

Singer could be seen running through his jewelry store, grabbing office supplies and scraps of his employees lunch, anything that he deemed “gold dippable.”

“Every year, every goddamn year we don’t have a correct estimate of these fucking gold-dipped roses. Dip faster people, dip fucking faster, we need to get these into the display cases!” he screamed. “You there! Four eyes, drop those glasses in that gold dipper or you’ll be out on your ass selling cubic zirconias with that Robbin’s Rocks fucker in Delaware.”

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So pretty.

Steven Singer Jewelers delivered several new live reads to 94 WIP, which will be running up until Valentine’s Day on Saturday, Feb. 14.

“Come in to Steven Singers Jewelers on the other corner of 8th and Walnut for your limited edition, gold-dipped chicken wing bone Andy Reid left here from 2007. Only $300 for this one of a kind, gold dipped masticated chicken wing your wife or girlfriend is sure to love,” Angelo Cataldi read over the airwaves Wednesday morning.

As of press time, window shoppers passing by the store could see a one of a kind, gold-dipped Pat Burrell discarded condom he left in the back room of the store in 2008.

Freddie Mitchell to Marshawn Lynch: Have some respect

52063000-e1362778625842Parts Unknown – Freddie Mitchell, former Eagles wide receiver, emailed a press release to thousands of media outlets across the country, urging Marshawn Lynch to open his mouth, speak to the media and stop disrespecting the game of football.

The email, sent from FredEx69@aol.com, has yet to be responded too by any national media outlet on the email chain.

“Man, he’s a chump. Whatever happened to respect for the game of football and for your fellow athletes? This kid just doesn’t have it,” Mitchell said in the release.

Mitchell, who has taken every public speaking opportunity since 2005 to bash former Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, decried Lynch and his “disrespectful attitude to the NFL, and to any children who may be watching the media event.”

Mitchell, who once demanded a booth to himself during the 2004 Super Bowl media day, thanked his own hands after hauling in the famous “fourth and 26” pass from McNabb , held out from Training Camp in 2005 despite having accomplished nothing of importance the year before, and claimed he was blackballed from the NFL by both Andy Reid and McNabb, said Lynch needs to “straighten up, fly right, and be much less immature.”

Mitchell, who was given a 37-month prison sentence for conspiring to file a false tax claim with the federal government in 2012, who was arrested in 2009 due to an outstanding warrant for failure to pay child support, and who was investigated in 2009 by the federal government after a 7-pound bag of marijuana was delivered to a restaurant he owned, said Lynch should “look to me as a shining example of how an athlete should act.”

As of press time, Mitchell was being investigated by the FBI for his apparent involvement in Don Tollefson’s ticket scam.

BREAKING NEWS: Andy Reid cost city restaurants thousands in health code violations

Andy ReidPhiladelphia, PA – Andy Reid, former Philadelphia Eagles head coach, has been found responsible for committing thousands of health code violations in restaurants throughout the city.

The CT was made aware of this staggering development when, earlier this week, the Philadelphia Inquirer launched the “Clean Plates” initiative, a comprehensive database of Philadelphia-area restaurant health inspections designed to educate city diners about the cleanliness of the establishments they visit.

When combing through the reports, the CT stumbled across several interesting health violation codes hidden among the more common violations.

For example, several South Philadelphia area restaurants, namely those around Lincoln Financial Field, were found to be in violation of “Code [46.111(a) ]: Allowing Coach Reid free reign of the walk in freezer without proper supervision,” and “Code [52.258(C) ]: “Failure to properly secure Coach Reid’s feed bag with high tensile straps, resulting in debris and spittle spraying throughout the dining area.”

These were among hundreds of violation codes designed with Reid in mind that could be found throughout the health inspection reports.

Wishing to remain anonymous, a local owner of an Italian eatery near the stadiums said Reid was a fixture at his dining establishment, costing him thousands of dollars in fines.

“Nights after losses were the worst. Coach would come in mumbling about how we needed to put him in a better position in the restaurant so he could succeed in consuming as much pasta as humanly possible,” the owner said. “Once, one of our waitresses slipped and fell on a half-eaten pork chop that had fallen out of Coach Reid’s mustache. We don’t serve pork chops. I have no idea where it came from.”

Disaster struck for the restaurant the night Reid was fired from his position as head coach. He arrived at the restaurant around 6 p.m. and didn’t leave until 4 a.m. the next morning, the owner reported. Despite numerous pleas from the wait staff to “take it easy,” Reid eventually passed out after consuming a final bucket of gravy, falling into a deep slumber atop a frightened bus boy, trapping him for hours.

When he awakened, he silently paid his bill and left, tipping a generous 15%.

“He’s a menace. At least he’s Kansas City’s problem now. Whenever the Chiefs come to town, though, we play it safe and close up for a few days.”