Pronger contract livid it was traded to Phoenix

Philadelphia, PA – After four days since being traded, Chris Pronger’s contract broke its silence and lambasted the Flyers for trading it to Phoenix.

“Phoenix, are you fucking kidding me? Phoenix of all places….it’s like being traded to Siberia. What have I done to deserve this? Hextall, if I ever see you again I’m going to give you the biggest paper cut,” The $4.9 million contract said. “And you trade me there with Nicklas Grossman? No way in hell I’m sharing a flight out there with that mouth breather.”

The contract proceeded to break a wooden desk to pieces in front of several stunned reporters.

Stephen Whyno, an NHL reporter and analyst, said the Phoenix Coyotes have had their eyes on the contract for years and believe he still has a lot to bring to the table.

“The contract instantly becomes the most valuable piece of their organization…and I’m not saying that in a figurative way, it is literally more valuable than anything they have. The arena they play in was recently assessed at just $1.2 million,” he said.

Despite its insistence it would not play for Phoenix, team representatives fully expect it to be on ice at the start of training camp.

As of press time, the embattled contract was mulling over whether it should set itself on fire or actually make the trip to the desert.

Interim manager Pete Mackanin strengths/weaknesses

Third-base coach Pete Mackanin has found himself thrust into the limelight this week, as he was named interim manager for the Philadelphia Phillies and will likely finish out the rest of the year after Ryne Sandberg stepped down last week.

Casual fans might not know too much about the former third-base coach, so The Coggin Toboggan has gathered several strengths and weaknesses of the newest manager of the Philadelphia Phillies.

Strengths:

– Will be able to let teammates know exactly where they can find third base is in just about every stadium.

– His experience as a former bench coach will give him intimate knowledge of the literal BEST seat in the house for the Phillies dugout. Will be able to now pass down his wisdom to young athletes.

– His horn-rimmed glasses game is strong, second to only Chicago Cubs manager Joe Maddon.

– His slick backed, grey hair will likely drive the ladies of Philadelphia wild, a definite upgrade over Sandberg.

– Has promised to teach Cole Hamels how to pitch overhand on one of his days off.

Weaknesses:

– Has actually never seen an entire game. Left in the seventh inning of every single game he’s ever coached to “beat the traffic.”

– Coached the Montreal Expos from 1997 to 2000.

– Has yet to reveal to organization he has had two glass eyes since 2009.

– Has the full backing and support of Ruben Amaro Jr.

– Was once described as a “belly itcher” by an opposing athlete, has yet to get over it.

Ryne Sandberg finds employment as a Philadelphia waste management employee

The newest member of the Philadelphia waste management division.

Philadelphia, PA – After resigning in stunning fashion last Friday, baseball hall of famer Ryne Sandberg reportedly was hired by the city as a seasonal waste management employee.

He began his route this morning as part of a three man garbage crew with a 35 block radius in South Philadelphia. The ex-manager’s duties include hoisting garbage cans up to his shoulder and disposing of the detritus into the back of the garbage trucks in a timely and efficient manner.

After one day on the job, Sandberg described it as “the most fulfilling and enjoyable job I’ve had in the past two years.”

“It’s amazing how great this job can be. I’ve forgotten how nice it is to wake up in the morning and not dread going to work,” Sandberg said in mid trash can dump, garbage juice trickling down from the can onto his bare neck.

Sandberg said it’s been a “joy” to sift through thrown away baby diapers to reach the recyclables a careless Philadelphia citizen had mixed in with his or her smelly garbage.

“The other day I found a really sweet radio that wasn’t even broken. My boss, Hank (Machinelli) let me keep it. More than Amaro gave me in two years, cheap bastard,” Sandberg said, fecal matter smeared over his face and jumpsuit.

As of press time, Sandberg has reportedly signed a three-year deal with the city of Philadelphia, leading 95% of the remainign Phillies employees to experience pangs of jealousy.

Philadelphia absolutely buzzing about the draft

Philadelphia, PA – Philadelphia is frenetic today as all minds are on the draft. Little work is likely being done, as employees everywhere are keeping their eyes on their bosses as they surf the internet to gobble up as much information as they can on the local sports scene.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, it’s the most EXCITING day of the year.

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Newest 76er Jahlil Okafor trashes greenroom after draft interview

Brooklyn, NY – Smiling for the cameras and an interview with ESPN, newest 76er Jahlil Okafor vehemently denied reports his agent asked Philadelphia to not draft the Duke center, as he did not want to be part of a rebuilding process with the organization.

“No, no that’s absolutely false. I am thrilled to be with the Philadelphia 76ers and I cannot wait to begin my career with such a storied franchise. I am beyond happy to get on the court next year and help this team become the best it can be. Will you excuse me for just a minute?” Okafor said, abruptly ending his draft interview with an ESPN draft reporter.

The smiling Okafor calmly walked into a greenroom and closed the door, after which several observers said they heard loud crashes and a number of highly offensive expletives coming from the staging area.

“Whyyyyy, whyyyyyyyy, WHYYYYYYYYYYY! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!” Okafor was heard screaming from the room.

After several minutes of yelling, smashing, and what sounded like quiet sobbing, the still smiling Okafor exited the greenroom and said he just needed a few minutes to reflect on the momentous night.

Free-agent Phillippe Aumont vows revenge against Phillies organization

(above) Some loser.

Philadelphia, PA – The last piece to the Cliff Lee trade has been released from the Phillies organization, as relief pitcher Phillippe Aumont did not accept an assignment to the minors and has become a free agent.

Aumont represented the last piece of the Cliff Lee in 2009. The reliever was none to pleased to be released and let Manager Ryne Sandberg know it yesterday when he stormed into the skipper’s office.

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76ers 2015 draft preview

Tomorrow night is a pivotal moment for the future of the 76ers. Holding the 3rd overall pick in the 2015 draft, GM Sam Hinkie has several big decisions to make which will impact the direction the franchise goes in for the next 5 years.

Will the 76ers stay at the 3rd pick? Will they trade up to acquire coveted point guard D’Angelo Russell, or will they trade down to accrue even more picks in a heavy draft?

Whatever the decision, The Coggin Toboggan has taken a look at some of the intangibles of the potential players whom may fall to the 76ers.

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BREAKING: Pete Rose made several bets while with the Phillies

Philadelphia, PA – The bad news keeps rolling in for baseball’s estranged son, as new evidence in the incriminating pages of the notebook confiscated by Major League Baseball in 1989 has shown Pete Rose most certainly placed several bets during his playing days with the Phillies.

Famous for being an intricate part of the 1980 World Series championship squad, Rose placed several bets during his time with the Phillies.

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Ahhhh nuts, on to winter I guess

Please sign him, Ruben.

No Dario Saric next year, Joel Embiid’s foot fell off last week (or so I’ve heard) and the Lakers may draft D’Angelo Russell, ruining literally MINUTES of work I put in on Twitter to interview the kid.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Philadelphia sports scene moving into the depths of summer. Did you know yesterday was the official first day of summer? I bet you didn’t, but it’s all downhill from here folks until we find ourselves in another dank, dark, depressing Northeast winter.

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Eagles Marcus Smith gaining confidence he can successfully qualify for unemployment benefits

The soon to be unemployed Marcus Smith.

Philadelphia, PA – Marcus Smith’s spirits were high at the end of Eagles minicamp yesterday, as the second year linebacker was reportedly confident he could successfully qualify for unemployment benefits by the start of the regular season.

The linebacker was reportedly thrilled when Chip Kelly dropped off the free Pennsylvania unemployment benefit packets to his locker late Thursday afternoon.

“This is just fabulous. My confidence is the highest it has ever been since joining the Eagles,” Smith said, as he diligently plowed through the information.

Per Pennsylvania law, Smith could qualify for bi-weekly payments as high as $547.

“Righteous bucks,” Smith said.

Kelly said he was pleased at Smith’s progress and noted the ceiling was quite high for the second year linebacker who would no doubt be cut before training camp begins.

“He’s a great kid. We think he could really make something of himself if he just hangs in there and hauls himself up by his bootstraps. I could definitely see him in some sort of trade school this year if he gets his mind right and doesn’t get overwhelmed.”

As of press time, Smith was seen using the team’s computer and had successfully uploaded an application to Devry University.

He received a rejection letter less than 15 minutes later.