Philadelphia earmarks millions of dollars for time travel on Back to the Future Day

Woah, that’s heavy.

Philadelphia, PA – Mayor Michael Nutter and the Philadelphia City Council unanimously passed a measure this morning during an emergency council meeting to earmark $1.21 million of the city’s budget to the development of a time travel machine.

The city government passed the measure on Back to the Future Day, the day Doc Brown and Marty McFly traveled to in “Back to the Future Part II” when they used their time traveling DeLorean to go into the future.

“It’s no coincidence we did this on Back to the Future Day. If you recall, Doc Brown and Marty McFly used their time machine throughout the series of movies to right the wrongs of the past and improve their current time period. We hope to do the same in Philadelphia, namely by traveling back to Thursday, June 26, 2014 and stopping Sam Hinkie from ever drafting that complete stiff Joel Embiid. It’s just one of the events we plan on changing when we finally develop a super-cool time traveling machine,” Mayor Michael Nutter declared during a mid-afternoon press conference.

The city hopes to develop a sleek time travel machine made out of a “super awesome Corvette” or “bitching dune buggy,” Nutter revealed Wednesday.

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76ers announce worst signing in history of franchise

Ahhhhh!

The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.

The Coggin Toboggan has long been a fan of Sam Hinkie’s “process” as it has become to be known in Philadelphia, but we just cannot get behind his decision to sign this horrific young man to a one-year deal.

Yesterday, Sam Hinkie (sigh) announced the signing of Simon Birch to a one-year contract.

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John Chaney appears in Owls locker room at half, delivers speech, disappears into the fog

John Chaney, still rallying the troops at the age of 83.

Philadelphia, PA – The Temple Owls, now a nationally ranked football program, were only leading by one point at halftime against lowly UCF this past Saturday and were desperately in need of a spark for the second half.

That spark was provided by legendary and near mythical Temple Owls basketball coach John Chaney, who reportedly “appeared out of nowhere” and launched into an epic halftime speech that had the Owls frothing at the mouth.

“We had a bit of a lull at halftime, I tried to rally us and bring up the energy, but nothing was working,” Owls coach Matt Rhule said. “But then I looked over and saw coach Chaney in the middle of all of our kids, screaming his head off, telling them to be the best they could be and to play as if their lives were ending, and by god damn it worked. I have no idea where he came from or how he got past security into the locker room, but damnit I am glad he did.”

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Sam Bradford super stoked for new Battlefield Earth trailer

Philadelphia, PA – Leading 17-7 at halftime, Eagles Quarterback Sam Bradford led his team into the tunnel and sprinted into the locker room and straight to the nearest television set.

When asked what he was so excited for, Bradford said he couldn’t “wait for the new Battlefield Earth trailer.”

“It’s debuting tonight during the game, didn’t you guys hear? Boy am I excited! Travolta! Pepper! Scientology! Golly, that movies got it all doesn’t it! A great message and some great acting, I can’t wait!” he excitedly said, before clicking the tv on.

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Unemployed Steve Weatherford spends two-hours perfecting Eagles slam tweet

Cool pose, bruh.

New York, NY – Steve Weatherford, unemployed punter, took to Twitter this afternoon and lambasted Philadelphia for its lack of championships.

The ex-professional punter, who carefully crafted and selected the wording to the numerous tweets he published yesterday and today, has plenty of time on his hands to perfect his trolling tweets as he is currently not good enough to cut it on any of the 32 NFL rosters.

These are so cute…… #IRememberMyFirstBeer pic.twitter.com/ICY5dO0BUl

— Steve Weatherford (@Weatherford5) October 19, 2015

The ex-punter, who is not in any way depressed or angered that no team wants his services, publicly supported the New York Giants on several social media platforms. His old team will come into Philadelphia for tonight’s Monday Night Football week 6 match up.

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Joel Embiid kicked field goals today at Eagles walk through

Philadelphia, PA – Joel Embiid made a surprise visit to Lincoln Financial Field to visit with several members of the Philadelphia Eagles this morning for their walkthrough before their game against the New York Giants tonight.

He surprised even more onlookers as the injured center was spotted kicking several field goals during the walk through as well.

Embiid wasn’t going half speed as well, several representatives reported to the Coggin, as he had worked up “quite a sweat out there,” attempting multiple 30, 40, and 50-yard field goal attempts on the slippery surface.

The young 76ers center recently had a second surgery on his right foot, the second in two years, to take care of a stress fracture that has not let him play yet for Philadelphia. Embiid’s dedication to his rehabilitation program was called into question last week after a Sports Illustrated article revealed he shunned the healthy food provided to him by 76ers representatives and nearly came to blows with the team conditioning coach.

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Patrick Kane: I thought they were saying ‘Go Kane Go’

Chicago, IL – Embattled superstar Patrick Kane, currently under investigation for allegedly raping a woman in a Buffalo bar, said he was pleasantly surprised Wednesday evening when Philadelphia Flyers fans serenaded him with what he thought were chants of support.

Kane said he didn’t figure out what the Flyers fans were saying until midway around the third period when a teammate clued him in to the serenading chants directed his way the entire game.

“I thought they were saying ‘go Kane go.’ When (Marian) Hossa told me what they were really saying, well, that was much more hurtful,” Kane said.

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Tony Siragusa still wandering around end zone of Lincoln Financial Field

Philadelphia, PA – A dirty and disheveled Tony Siragusa is still wandering around the end zone of Lincoln Financial Field four days after the conclusion of Sunday’s Eagles vs. Saints game.

The former defensive tackle. now announcer, has been shambling around both end zones of the Linc for the better part of this week, speaking in hushed tones to himself and shying away the from worried security guards who have tried to wrangle him several times.

The announcer has been periodically speaking into an impromptu microphone made out of a discarded soda cup and gesticulating wildly to invisible television cameras.

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ESPN Sportscenter: ‘Philadelphia fans pummel Blue Jays field with beer cans’

Members of the Blue Jays pleading with Philadelphia fans to stop their barrage of beer bottles.

Toronto, Canada – ESPN Sportscenter anchors reported today that several thousand Philadelphia fans hurled beer cans and debris onto the Rogers Centre field during the 7th inning of the Blue Jays and Rangers game Wednesday evening after the Rangers took a 3-2 league.

Scott Van Pelt, anchoring the 8 a.m. Sportscenter, said between “5,000 and 6,000 unruly Philadelphia fans” rained beer bottles onto the lower rim of the stadium in a despicable display that is so common of Philadelphia sports fans and never happens anywhere outside of Philadelphia.

“Perhaps the worst example came when an obvious Philadelphian hurled a beer can filled with batteries from the top deck, striking a newborn in the head. Only in Philadelphia, folks, just horrible,” Van Pelt said, sneering into the camera.

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Bob Lamonte horrified to learn Ruben Amaro Jr. thinks he’s training him to become a baseball manager

Philadelphia, PA – Bob Lamonte, famed agent known for molding former executives into possible NFL coaches and MLB managers, revealed to the Coggin Toboggan today he had no idea Ruben Amaro Jr. was fostering ideas of becoming the manager of a professional baseball team.

Lamonte ended his professional relationship with Amaro Jr. after learning the former Phillies GM was “actually thinking about shaping the hearts and minds of professional ballplayers on a daily basis.”

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