Reports: Dario Saric charters steamer ship to America

Dario SaricZagreb, Croatia – Sources have confirmed that Dario Saric, a forward for Anadolu Efes of the Turkish Basketball Super League, is currently in the Croatian port city of Sibenik and has booked himself a steerage ticket on a steamer ship and will set sail to America within the fortnight.

Saric, who has heard of far begone tales of good work and golden paved streets in America, reportedly packed his steamer trunk and bought a sack of limes from a merchant marine to ward off scurvy for the grueling trip ahead.

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SEPTA officials urging riders to get in line now for Eagles pre-season opener

septa-trainPhiladelphia, PA – Due to massive delays on most of its services, SEPTA officials are urging Eagles fans to get in line now if they hope to make it into the city on time for the first pre-season game on Thursday, Aug. 11.

The Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority has faced tremendous criticism from riders after the company recently sidelined 120 Silverliner V cars, a third of the coaches in its regional rail system, after defects were found in the suspension systems.

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Giancarlo Stanton unsuccessfully lobbies for new nickname after Home Run Derby
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Giancarlo “Mashed Taters” Stanton.

San Diego, Calif. – After an epic home run derby in which he hit 61 home runs to take the title, Giancarlo Stanton reportedly dropped several hints to his teammates and attendees at the 2016 All Star game that he was fishing for a new nickname.

The tremendous slugger apparently was heard having several loud conversations after his victory where he described how he hit “61 mashed taters” in the derby.

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Jahlil Okafor pens column blasting reporter for lack of sources
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Enough is enough, says Jahlil Okafor.

The media in this city is disgusting. I wake up each and every day, shuddering as I reach for my iPhone to see what drivel reporters decide to “report” on me during a slow summer news cycle.

I get it. Newspapers are dying, you need a hook and you need something to bring in readers. Fine. But maybe do some actual reporting on a story instead of just throwing proverbial shit on the wall and seeing what sticks.

Take Tom Moore of the Bucks County Courier Time, for instance. He’s always citing his “sources” that say I’m unhappy with being in Philadelphia. Now he’s citing these “sources” saying that I’m upset the 76ers tried to trade me. It’s ridiculous.

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Sad day as nation realizes this may be last time it will hear Chris Berman say ‘Back back back back’
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WHOOP!

San Diego, Calif. – Excitement for tonight’s 2016 Home Run Derby has been tempered across the nation, as baseball fans everywhere have begun to realize that this will likely be the last time they are able to hear longtime ESPN personality Chris Berman yell “BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK GONE!” before his retirement.

Millions of fans collectively mourned today as they realized they would never again hear Berman’s hilarious and not-at-all worn-out catch phrases in the home run derby after tonight’s event. Further depression sank in when they realized Berman would no longer be providing his entertaining collection of home spun nicknames and nonsensical noises during the upcoming football season as well.

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Aye, the Old Chip Kelly house? I wouldn’t go up there, some say it’s haunted
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I wouldn’t go down that road.

Well hello young fellas, what can I do for you this fine summer afternoon? Care for a glass of sweet tea? Maybe sit on my porch for a spell, catch your breath and your bearings, you all look like you’ve traveled many miles.

No? Well what can I do to help you? I don’t have much, just a simple man with a simple way of life, working the land and doing the best I can to keep my family afloat.

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76ers, Sharice from Broad Street Carvery in section 120, agree to max deal

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – Despite being relatively inactive during the free agency period so far, 76ers representatives were happy to announce this morning that they had come to an agreement on a max-deal with one of the organization’s most productive and exciting young talents.

The 76ers and Sharice from the Broad Street Carvery station in section 120 agreed to a 5-year, $15 an hour max contract that will keep the 59-year-old mother of two carving meat with the 76ers until 2021.

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Washed up corpses now largest contingency attending Rio Olympics

812px-2016_summer_olympics_logo-svgRio de Janiero, Brazil – With more reports of dead bodies washing up on the shores of Rio just weeks before the 2016 Olympics, the International Olympic Committee confirmed the corpses are now officially the largest contingency to send athletes to the games.

The dead have now sent nearly 1,000 representatives to compete in the Olympics, most of whom have already washed up on the beaches of Rio, ready and raring to get started.

Several experts have already declared the corpses to have a significant edge in many of the water based events, as their bloated, gas filled bodies create “superior buoyancy” and have “little, if any fear” of the rampant filth and disease that has forced elite athletes to pull out of the games.

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76ers assembling crack squad of foreign cutthroats
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Furkan Korkmaz, one of several foreign athletes the 76ers have selected this year for their unique brand of “skills.”

Philadelphia, PA – Quickly realizing that the top-tier, top-flight free agents available this year were not willing to sign max deals with a young and inexperience 76ers team, team scouts have been scouring the back end courts, war-torn arenas, and shady, dimly lit half-court games at all corners of the world to assemble a cutthroat team of mercenaries and hacks to don a 76ers uniform for the 2016-2017 season.

Vince Rozman, 76ers director of basketball operations and scouting innovation, said his team of scouts were dispersed throughout the world to assemble the “best of the best” that the rest of the NBA had shunned throughout the years.

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