Colin Cowherd is a parasite and Scott O’Neil is letting him feast on the 76ers essence

Oh Scott, did you have to bow under the pressure of a national sports talk moron and go against 99% of your fanbase’s wishes?

I mean, normally sending a personalized jersey to someone who has come around on the franchise would be a fine thing, but did you have to do it with him? With Colin “perfect smokey eye” Cowherd?

Maybe the only other person you could have recruited onto the 76ers bandwagon would have been Skip Bayless, but not even you could be that tone deaf to try and curry his favor….right?

RIGHT?

It’s not about someone trashing The Process…it’s not about an us vs. them mentality…it’s about Colin Cowherd being a pig-headed moron who is desperately trying to glom onto something that is good and pure, someone trying to wriggle his gray, clammy talons into a dominant organism and feast off its vitality.

He’s a worthless pilot fish, eating the morsels left over from the king of the sea.

You don’t acknowledge those parasites, Scott, and you especially don’t serve them free seven-course banquets when they’re ABHORRED by the fans that spend good money to see your team.

I’ll only accept this if the jersey is infected with ebola. Okay, maybe not ebola, but at least lice. Just festering with lice. A parasite being overrun by other parasites. OH SWEET IRONY.

If I see him sporting that jersey on Twitter I’ll just lose it…until the 76ers win game 1 and then I’ll completely forget about forgettable Mr. Cowherd.

Do you want some 76ers merchandise that won’t make you vomit upon the sight of it? Go buy some Phila Unite t-shirts and long-sleeved t-shirts. They’re awesome and I personally guarantee Colin Cowherd has never been within one square-mile of their presence.

Click the link below to buy.

Philadelphia 76ers Phila Unite Playoff Shirt

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And with the 32nd pick in the 2018 NFL draft, the Philadelphia Eagles select…

…IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO THEY PICK!

Suck my dick, rest of the NFL. Suck it long and suck it hard, because this may be the last time in my lifetime the Eagles select 32nd overall in the NFL draft so I am going to get my insults in and I’m going to get them in as often as I can. I hope it’s not the last time, but just in case I’m going to gloat as much as I can leading up to the draft tonight.

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Who will ring the bell at tonight’s 76ers game?

I can’t offer you anything else right now other than a cursory guess at what figure the 76ers will trot out to center court before tonight’s hopefully closeout game 5 against the Heat. What else could I possibly tell you about the game that you haven’t read 8,000 times already on other sites?

The 76ers really need to cut down on those turnovers and not let the Heat get under their skin if they want to win this game. There, that’s all you have to know about this game and you’ll get nothing better from the “experts” elsewhere. You think Reggie Miller can give you that kind of insight?

So let’s take a moment to pontificate on what’s really important….who is going to take the mallet and awkwardly ring the bell before tonight’s game?

Game 1 was Embiid and he knocked it out of the park. Game 2 was Kevin Hart and it must have been embarrassing for him when they had to bring out a booster step for him to reach the bell. Sadly, the little guy didn’t tucker himself out and antagonized Dwayne Wade into pulling out a throwback performance and dominating the 76ers all night long.

Ban Hart from the building. We don’t need that.

So, here are our guesses and odds for who will ring in the game tonight.

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The Flyers are gone, and we couldn’t do nothing about it

At the end of Goodfellas when Tommy thinks he’s going to a meeting to become a made man, two members of the family he’s involved with bring him to an empty rumpus room and put a bullet in his head, essentially wiping their hands of a once-promising, but now disappointing and dangerous man who took too many chances and never saw his demise coming.

But really, if he had stopped to think about it for more than few minutes he would have realized what he was walking into. Sure, he was a good earner, but he killed Billy Batts, a made man, in a fit of rage and thought he could get away with it. He killed Spider, he killed Stacks, he killed Morrie and his horrible wig, so the idea that he thought he was going to become a made man didn’t make a ton of sense.

But they lured him in with big promises and he couldn’t see past what could have been. He ended up dead on a dirty linoleum floor, in a puddle of his own blood, next to an empty card table.

Yesterday, as we watched the Flyers claw their way to a 4-2 in the third period against the hated Penguins, we thought we were on the road to being made men.

They were giving the Penguins all they could handle! All they had to do was hold on to a two goal lead, force a game 7, and shock the hockey world and the city! They were going to be made men, and by proxy, so were the fans.

Then, well, Radko Gudas decided to stick handle his way past 800 Penguins in his own end, turned the puck over for an easy goal to make it 4-3, and suddenly the Penguins were leading all of us into a rumpus room with a concealed pistol in their pocket.

Some of us even fell harder for it than others.

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Miami Heat ticket sales update: In the arms of an angel, we can stop this cruelty

Less than five hours until tip-off to the first Miami Heat home playoff game, and there are STILL thousands of tickets available for sale, according to the team’s official ticketmaster page.

Look, this was all fun and games yesterday. Oh those wacky Heat fans, they just don’t care! But now? Well, now it’s just sad. Depressing, really. According to the page there are still 400+ general admission tickets available for purchase (at a TOTALLY RAD price of $69 a ticket) and nobody is biting.

Just look at this map of the Heat arena and all sections that still have tickets available for tonight. The blue sections are areas that still have tickets. Check it out after the jump:

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Unsurprisingly, there are still plenty of great seats available for tomorrow’s 76ers game in Miami

Looking for a last minute vacation for you and all of your jackass friends from Philadelphia? Well then, let me be the first to suggest taking a trip down to Miami for game three of the 76ers and Heat NBA playoff series.

No no, don’t worry about getting tickets, THOUSANDS are still available to be bought just a mere 32 hours before tip-off!

Well, they have to be expensive, right? And there’s no way they can be purchased through the team’s Ticketmaster website, they’re probably only available through second-party websites at INSANE markups. It is, after all, the first home playoff game for the Heat this year, right?

Oh you poor ignorant slut. For the low, low price of $59 you and your idiot friends can attend tomorrow night’s game against the 76ers with a general admission ticket!

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The new face of NBC Sports Philadelphia

In what I thought was all just a fever dream I suffered through months ago, our collective nightmare is coming to NBC Sports Philadelphia on April 16 as the Mike Missanelli Show is debuting on the network at 2 p.m.

In case you haven’t cultivated a healthy dislike for Missanelli based purely on his voice and horrendous sports talk opinions on 97.5 the Fanatic, you now have the opportunity to hate him based on his physical appearance as well. It’s a real win-win for Philadelphia.

We are hearing a strong rumor that Dwayne from Swedesboro will be the first caller to the new show to wish Mike a long and successful broadcast run.

The show will run until 5 p.m. and will feature producer Tyrone Johnson and update anchor Natalie Egenolf, who I’m assuming was the real selling point for the visual medium movement of the show.

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The new Phillies clubhouse victory celebration may be hiding a dark secret

The home opener went about as expected. Phillies beat a minor league Marlins squad 5-0 on a blustery opening day. Gabe got the ever loving shit booed out of him by the Phillies Phaithful, likely shedding manlytears behind the safety of his reflective aviator sunglasses as his muscular heart broke in twain. Nick Williams

But the most interesting nugget to come out of the home opener? Let Todd Zolecki fill you in on the new clubhouse routine after a win.

Fog machines? Lasers? Strobe lights? I’m sure that won’t get insanely irritating by May. If just one of those players in the clubhouse was epileptic it would be a DISASTER of shaky proportions.

The clubhouse is a 1970s Who concert, without the tragic trampling of hundreds of adoring fans.

But hold on a second here….there may be more to this than meets the eye. Is Gabe Kapler trying to tell us something?

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Chris Long is really stirring it up on Twitter after the Villanova championship

Recent Super Bowl champion, and better human being than you or I, Chris Long is really stirring it up on twitter with his comments about Nova swing man Donte DiVincenzo in the wake of the Wildcats second NCAA championship in three seasons.

Sadly, unathletic white men everywhere are having a hard time coming to grips over Long’s comments about the outrageously talented and athletic DiVincenzo giving undo hope to white kids everywhere who will never sniff the ability to get rim, rather than make it to the NBA.

https://twitter.com/JOEL9ONE/status/981007164880883712

Like blood hounds to an escaped convict, twitter trolls flocked to an athlete mentioning skin color and had to take umbrage with his out of context comments.

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By the time you read this Gabe Kapler will have gotten the bullpen up again

……………………..What the hell was that?

No, really. What the hell did we just see? Fifteen pitchers used in the first two games of the season (an MLB record, one of the bad ones), which forced the Phillies to address the ALREADY TAXED bullpen (on game 2) by contemplating a roster move to bring up an additional pitcher for Saturday’s game.

Kapler trotted out to the mound over the weekend like a man who realized he had forgotten about cardio training for the last 15 years of his life.

But somehow, SOMEHOW that wasn’t even the worst part of the weekend. The worst part was watching Gabe Kapler’s brain fog over from inhaling too much fermented sloth piss (it does wonders to balance your Chi) before the game and summon Hoby Milner in relief for third inning during Saturday’s bloodbath DESPITE the lefty having not thrown a warmup pitch.

What was he expecting Milner to do, kick the ball to home plate? This led to crew chief Jerry Lane openly chastising Kapler for his incredible amounts of incompetence in managing the Phillies in the third game of his career.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen an umpire openly go into a manager on the record for putting his athletes in danger of being injured.

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