Phillies

Chase Utley’s alleged takeout slide of Marcus Hayes in Phillies clubhouse explains so much

Marcus Hayes, blowhard journalist who writes for the Daily News, has long held a grudge against Chase Utley for reasons unknown to anyone in this city. Hayes criticized Utley for his use of profanity in the 2008 World Series Championship Parade and for his declining play. In addition, Hayes felt there was a lack of “criticism” directed at Utley from the Philadelphia fan base, when, in his opinion, black players such as Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Howard were criticized on a daily basis.

Hayes, to the surprise of nobody, continued his criticism of Utley after Saturday night’s incident that saw Utley break Ruben Tejada’s leg during a double play turn. For the past 24 hours Hayes has taken to his Twitter account to denounce Utley’s “dirty” play.

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The City of Philadelphia responds to Jeremy Affeldt

Please calm down, I know I’m a living embodiment of the City of Philadelphia, but I felt it was extremely necessary to make my voice heard following the comments of one semi-above average reliever from San Francisco. Not exactly sure WHY Jeremy Affeldt decided to open his dumb hipster mouth and insult myself and the denizens that take up residence within my hallowed boundaries.

Boooooooooo hoooooooooooooo, wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I’m Jeremy Affeldt and I don’t like it when people yell things at me! Can’t fans just let me pitch in peace when I’m on the mound, because my rabbit ears pick up every mean thing that the residents of Philadelphia say to me and I’m going to let them fester away inside of me for years until they come vomiting out of my mouth in a poorly attended retirement ceremony I held for myself.

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Gregg Murphy ordered into carbonite storage for the offseason

A successful process.

Philadelphia, PA – Andy Macphail, leader of baseball operations for the Phillies, ordered Gregg Murphy to undergo a very dangerous carbonite freezing process earlier today. If successful, Murphy will spend the rest of the offseason encased in carbonite, waiting for the start of next year in suspended animation.

The newest Phillies executive ordered the carbonite freeze of Murphy as a test-trial for the rest of the broadcast team. He assured the bounty hunter that brought in the member of the Phillies announcing team he would be entirely compensated by the organization if Murphy did not survive the freezing process.

“You may take Murphy to the storage unit. He will be most safe, I assure you,” Macphail told the rest of the horrified broadcasters who watched their comrade slowly be dipped into the chamber.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. beginning to think Phillies may not bring him back next season

Philadelphia, PA – Speaking from his home, ex-Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. told reporters he was beginning to think the Phillies may not bring him back as the general manager for next season.

“I don’t want to look to into this, but after they let me go from my contract and told me they would not extend me next year, this really leads me to think I may not be back with the organization in 2016,” he said.

Amaro Jr. said he was nervous that nobody in the Phillies front office had been taking his calls since August and his official team email address had been deleted.

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Phillies experience lowest bum attendance in 5 years

Where have all the hobos gone this season?

Philadelphia, PA – Heading towards its fourth below .500 season in five years, Philadelphia Phillies attendance has steadily dipped over the past four years.

More alarmingly, the homeless and bum attendance in 2015 is at an all time low, as attendance records show a staggering 35 bum per game rate, down from the record 200 bum per game rate the team enjoyed in 2011.

“It’s really a shame. Four years ago we’d have homeless just wandering the stadiums, dirtying bathrooms, harassing fans…it was a wonderful time,” an anonymous front office executive said. “Now we’re lucky if we have to forcibly remove one or two hobos from the stadium trying to fish half eaten nachos out of the trash.”

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BREAKING: Ruben Amaro Jr. causes massive security incident after being fired

Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Philadelphia, PA – A number of police officers swarmed to Citizens Bank Park earlier this afternoon when front office officials called the authorities after former GM Ruben Amaro Jr. locked himself in his office and was actively trying to trade away several pieces of the roster before leaving the premises.

Phillies Executive Andy Macphail met with the media as police officers dragged the kicking and screaming Amaro Jr. from his office before forcibly ejected him from Citizens Bank Park. Several members of the Philadelphia Fire Department had been summoned to the stadium and had to chop down Amaro Jr.’s door to allow police officers entrance.

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Philadelphia Coalition of the Bald sues Phanatic for millions

Hilarious!

Philadelphia, PA – Citing years of abuse at the hands of the fuzzy Phillies mascot, the Philadelphia Coalition of the Bald has levied a $25 million lawsuit against the Philadelphia Phanatic.

“The Phanatic has tormented the bald for years with his scalp shining routine. Sure, it seems like it’s harmless fun, but his capering throughout the decades has caused untold damages to thousands of men who suffer from thinning hair,” said Thomas Graham, president of the Coalition.

“Two weeks ago he shined my scalp for what seemed like hours in front of thousands of fans at Citizens Bank Park. Would he ever make fun of someone’s weight? Sexuality? I don’t think so, but it’s appropriate to make fun of my disease? It’s ridiculous, outrageous and scandalous.”

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The Coggin Toboggan predicts Philadelphia sports all the way from Europe

I’m not from here! I have my own customs! Look at my crazy passport!

Please listen to the song after the page break at full blast while reading. Yes it is obligatory, do not read until you listen to this at least 10 times to get in the proper mood to read an article from an ignorant American who is tired of being in Europe.

We’ll wait.

The Coggin Toboggan has gone to Europe. Coming at you LIVE (not live) from Copenhagen, Denmark.

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Pete Mackanin Pros and Cons (updated)

After taking over for fired manager Ryne Sandberg, Pete Mackanin has had the Phillies playing some respectable ball since after the all star break.

The roster seems loose, it seems excited, and the current youth movement is serving the team well under Mackanin.

But little is still known about the interim manager. The Coggin has taken the time to analyze his moves, analyze some of his decisions, and analyze his fantastic choice of eyewear to deliver you this updated pros and cons list of his time as manager through 2015.

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Phillies to hand out bats, give bunting lessons to every fan to increase safety

Philadelphia, PA – Citing a need for more safety at Citizens Bank Park, Phillies representatives announced a plan early this morning to hopefully reduce rates of fans being injured by foul balls struck into the stands.

Current President Pat Gillick said ushers would pass out official major league baseball bats to every single fan in attendance and give detailed, personal bunting instructions to fans before allowing them to take their seats.

“We feel that with increased attention at games and these baseball bats, we’ll see a remarkable decrease in injuries in the stands. With a well placed bunt of a struck ball, we know this will cut down on incidents at the ball park,” Gillick said.

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