Phillies

Phillies spring training equipment list addendum leaks to media

Clearwater, Fla – The Philadelphia Phillies released an official list to the media last week detailing the extensive amount of equipment the organization is shipping from Philadelphia to Clearwater for the upcoming 2015 Spring Training.

The CT was able to snag an addendum list of equipment the organization wants to keep from the media. Here is what the Phillies will also be shipping down to Clearwater for the organization and its athletes.

2015 Equipment List:

• 6 cases of Jim Bean and a renewal subscription for Hustler Magazine (Larry Andersen)

• Lifetime membership to Morrie’s wigs (Chris Wheeler)

• Several contacts for financial managers (Ryan Howard)

• 15 crates of horn rimmed glasses (Scott Franzke)

• 1 pair of gator skin boots and 25 corn cob pipes (Charlie Manuel)

• 1 red little league outfielder’s glove (Ben Revere)

• Several round trip tickets to Reading, Pennsylvania. No expiration date. (Darin Ruf)

• 1 “Hello my name is” sticker. (Aaron Altherr)

• 1 muzzle (Jonathan Papelbon)

• 1 pink slip (Ruben Amaro Jr.)

The Long Island Medium outed as fraud after predicting 90 win Phillies season

Theresa Caputo, “The Long Island Medium,” in her natural state.

Long Island, NY – Theresa Caputo, better known as the “Long Island Medium” to her fans, was recently proven to be a fraud when a grainy YouTube video surfaced of her at a Phillies employees retreat, which saw the famed psychic predicting the Phillies would win 90 games.

“I see at least 90 wins in your future,” Caputo was seen telling Ruben Amaro Jr., who promptly handed her a large, bulging sack affixed with a money sign.

National backlash poured in after a Phillies employee leaked the video under the account “LA69.” The video currently has over 5 million views and 4.8 million dislikes.

“I loved her show and she gave me a reading several years ago which was just amazing,” said Theresa Cantoloni, of Northern Liberties. “I mean, how would she have ever known that my mother had unfinished business left on earth when she passed away? That’s not something you just know, ok? But after I saw her declaring the Phillies would win 90 games, well, that was just it for me. She’s a fraud and I hate her.”

In response to the video, TLC immediately took all showings of “Long Island Medium” off the air and replaced them with reruns of “7th Heaven,” citing the show’s lead Stephen Collins was “less offensive” than Caputo.

“It’s sickening. How could we have been duped by such an obvious fake?” said Eileen O’Neill, President of Discovery Communications. “To make such a blatantly false prediction, it’s just awful. I’ve been vomiting all night.”

An Open Public Records Act form sent to the Phillies was returned to the CT, which revealed Ruben Amaro Jr. paid Caputo $2.7 million for the appearance.

(Note: Since Mediums are notoriously fickle, the CT would like to stress that this is a work of satire and nobody knows for sure if Caputo is a dirty swindler who preys on the innocent minded)

Brian Williams: Coaching the Phillies were the best years of my life

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Brian Williams, possible Phillies coach from 2005 to 2013.

Philadelphia, PA – Brian Williams, lead anchor of NBC Nighty news, appeared on CSN’s Philly Sports Night Thursday evening and proclaimed his time as the head coach of the Philadelphia Phillies, in which he led them to their first World Series championship in almost 30 years, were the best years of his life.

“Sure I’ve had a fabulous news career. I’ve reported on some great stories, had some harrowing moments in Iraq, but the best years of my career were from 2005 to 2013 when I moonlighted as head coach for the Philadelphia Phillies.”

Despite confused looks from host Michael Barkann and special guest Frank Seravalli, Williams trudged on and said he harbored no ill-will towards the Phillies organization after he was replaced by Ryne Sandberg midway through the 2013 season.

“It was tough, but those eight years were just a magical time in this city for Phillies baseball,” Williams said. “I will never forget that run in 2008 when I personally helped this team reach, and win, the World Series championship.”

Despite Barkann desperately trying to change the direction of the conversation, Williams continued and dug himself an even bigger hole when he recounted a story from the 2008 NLCS against the Los Angeles Dodgers.

“It was game 4 of the NLCS, we were tied 5-5 in the bottom of the eighth inning after Shane Victorino had just hit a two-run home run. I knew we needed a spark, Jonathan Broxton was throwing some real heat, so I made the call and inserted myself into the game as a pinch hitter,” Williams said. “I clobbered a two-run home run to put us ahead 7-5. I was the first player manager to ever hit a home run in the NLCS. What a magical moment.”

Williams went on and said he pitched a “lights out” 9th inning to secure the save and victory for the Phillies.

Despite video evidence proving Williams did not hit a home run, record a save, or even coach the Phillies during any of the years he claimed, the embattled news reporter claimed the Phillies were in talks to bring him back for the 2015 season to fill a vacant announcer position the organization was trying to fill.

“Before Harry Kalas passed away, he called me and told me that I was a much better announcer than he would ever be and he would be honored if I took over his seat one day,” Williams proclaimed to a horrified Barkann.

As of press time, Charlie Manuel was seen stalking through the CSN offices with a fungo bat, claiming he just wanted to have a “friendly chat” with “that lying son-of-a-gun Williams.”

Heeding Philadelphia’s call, Pope Francis condemns Ruben Amaro Jr. to hell

Pope Francis has had it up to HERE with Ruben Amaro Jr.’s nonsense.

Philadelphia, PA – Pope Francis gained a few more followers in the city of brotherly love today, as he endorsed a Vatican referendum condemning Ruben Amaro Jr. to hell.

Pope Francis, who is scheduled to visit Philadelphia in September, said he heard the citizens of Philadelphia loud and clear.

“I have heard the prayers of the thousands of Philadelphians, and I am not deaf,” Francis said during a recent general audience in Rome. “You want him to burn for eternity in hell, than it shall be so.”

Francis waved both hands at the audience as he was greeted with raucous cheers. He most certainly endeared himself to Philadelphians who prayed on bended knee day and night this past off season for Amaro Jr. to finally meet his maker and be cast into the foulest depths of the afterlife.

Francis gave his blessing to those who wished ill will towards Amaro Jr., citing the once mighty Philadelphia Phillies fall from grace as “reason enough” to wish someone’s soul to roast on the coals of hell for all time.

“I too am disappointed Amaro Jr. traded Cliff Lee and got nothing in return in 2010. I understand the Phillies could have had both pitchers all year, ultimately guaranteeing at least another World Series appearance. It’s a tragedy,” Francis said. “He truly wasted what could have been a glorious few years for the Philadelphia Phillies. And for this, yes, he does deserve to rot in hell.”

Francis promised he would make the decision official during his September visit. He urged all Philadelphians to bring various Ruben Amaro Jr. pictures and paraphernalia to the ceremony, promising it would be one to remember.

“To make up for his tomfoolery, I have also decided to nominate Harry Kalas for sainthood. Lord knows he did more for this city than Rube ever did,” Francis declared.

Obscure Philadelphia Athlete of the Week: JD “The Real Deal” Durbin

JD “The Real Deal” Durbin! Oh JD, you bring a smile to my face. Perhaps the least accomplished pitcher in Philadelphia Phillies history with a nickname (albeit it self dubbed), Durbin appeared in 18 games for the Phillies in 2007, starting 10 of them and going 6-5 with a 5.15 ERA.

He was obtained by the Phillies halfway through the season from the Arizona Diamondbacks. It’s a wonder as to why the Diamondbacks let him go, as he did appear in one game for them that season, in which he pitched two-thirds of an inning and gave up 7 hits, 7 runs, all of them earned for an ERA of 94.50.

But he’s the Real Deal! According to legend, after he made his first professional start in the Minnesota Twins farm team, he came back to the dugout after the first inning and told a teammate, “That’s why they call me the real deal.”

JD “The Real Deal” Durbin, most likely pissing someone off.

If only that brashness could have translated itself into some form of success in the major leagues. After he was released by the Phillies in 2005, he never appeared in another major league game.

JD Durbin Fun Facts:

• JD once threw a baseball into the stands after a game in 2007, striking Howard Eskin in the head and knocking him unconscious for several minutes. It was the largest ovation from fans Durbin would receive all season.

• Thought professional wrestling was real until he was 22.

• Started his own car dealership, Durbin’s Dodges, “where every deal is a real deal!” Was bankrupt in six months.

• His favorite move is “Beaches.” Tells people his favorite movie is “Die Hard.”

• Once tried to break the ice with JD Salinger by mentioning they shared the same first name. Was thoroughly dismissed.

• Once tried to break Cool Hand Luke’s record of eating 50 hardboiled eggs in one hour. Passed out on the clubhouse floor after number 35. Remained face down on the rug until 2 a.m. No teammate bothered to call the paramedics.

Reports: Milwaukee Brewers interested in Jonathan Papelbon’s glove

Jonathan Papelbon with his glove currently involved in trade negotiations.

Jonathan Papelbon with the glove currently involved in trade negotiations.

Milwaukee, WIS – Reports began flooding the CT offices this morning, as trade discussions between the Milwaukee Brewers and Philadelphia Phillies are coming full steam. The Brewers are reportedly interested in acquiring Jonathan Papelbon’s glove, with several sources claiming the Brewers are willing to pay “upwards of $50” for the black Wilson A2K glove.

“We will not refute the rumors being published by the media. We are interested in acquiring Papelbon’s glove,” said Doug Melvin, GM of the Brewers. “I am currently negotiating for the rights to the glove with Ruben, and we hope we can reach an agreement soon. Spring Training is starting soon, and we really feel one more glove will put us over the top.”

In 2014, the Brewers were only in possession of 9 gloves, which had to be shared amongst the Milwaukee athletes as they were substituted into each game.

Carlos Gomez infamously refused to enter a late inning game last season, as he didn’t want to use the one left-handed glove on the team.

The glove would up the teams total to 10. The Brewers are still allegedly in the market for a catchers glove as well, as Jonathan Lucroy was forced to used an infielders glove behind the plate for the entire 2014 season.

Jon Heyman for CBS Sports reported earlier this morning that talks for the glove had stalled, when Amaro apparently balked at Melvin’s request that a case of sunflower seeds be included in the deal.

“The Phillies are asking for $50 and an authentic ‘Hank the Dog’ water bowl in exchange for the glove,” Heyman said. Hank the Dog is the unofficial mascot of the Brewers.

UPDATE:

Ruben Amaro Jr. caved and agreed to trade the glove and the rights to Jonathan Papelbon for $10.

Ruben Amaro Jr. busted for looking into deflating baseballs

Philadelphia PA – A sheepish Ruben Amaro Jr. faced a contingency of sports media personnel this afternoon after a Phillies employee anonymously released a record of Amaro’s internet history to The Coggin Toboggan.

Amaro apparently accessed the “Ask Jeeves” search engine around 1 p.m. this afternoon and spent roughly three hours searching variations of “deflated baseballs,” “how to deflate baseballs,” and “advantages to deflating baseballs.”

“I truly apologize for my behavior today. I’m a dedicated leader of this baseball organization, and I guess I just got caught up in trying to give us any possible advantage to help us win some ballgames,” Amaro Jr. said. “I saw the New England Patriots were charged with deflating balls this weekend and the advantage it posed for them, so I wondered if we could possibly use it ourselves.”

Amaro Jr. put on a stern face and pursed his trembling bottom lip, trying to hold back tears.

“But I want to firmly deny that we have ever deflated baseballs in the past. This is firmly on me.”

In addition to his queries on how to deflate baseballs, The CT also learned Amaro Jr. conducted the following searches:

– “Is Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn a free agent this year?”

– “Possible advantages to installing springs on bottom of cleats? IE: Spring shoes?”

– “Magical properties of lightning strikes on baseball bats.”

– “What is Grindr and why does Larry Andersen keep telling me I should sign up for it?”

Amaro Jr. then concluded his press release and was seen walking back into clubhouse with a gigantic wooden crate labeled “Flubber.”

BREAKING NEWS: Charlie Manuel declares entry into WWE Royal Rumble

Charlie Manuel, all fired up for his return to the squared circle at the 2015 Royal Rumble.

Philadelphia, PA – During a hastily called press release, former Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manuel declared he would be an official entrant into the 2015 WWE Royal Rumble, scheduled to be held at the Wells Fargo Center on Sunday, Jan. 25.

The annual event features 30 WWE wrestlers competing in an “over the top rope” competition to determine the number 1 contender for the WWE Championship, currently being held by Brock Lesnar.

Manuel, a lifelong wrestling fan, declared the event as a real “hoot” and vowed to knock some skulls during his time in the squared circle.

“My good friend Ric Flair always told me, ‘To be the man, you have to beat the man,’ and I always took that to heart,” Manuel said while he lacing up his red and blue boots.

The feisty manager hopped into a nearby ring and began squaring off with local wrestler Necro Butcher, a member of the Philadelphia wrestling promotion CZW, which was featured in the popular 2008 movie “The Wrestler.”

“Don’t you go using any of that shit extreme wrestling on me, this is a gentleman’s sport,” Manuel said, seconds before throwing salt into the grizzled wrestlers eyes and dispatching him with a picture-perfect knife-edge chop to the delighted “WOOOOOOOSSSS!” of the reporters on hand.

“Old Bob Backlund taught me this one…watch out now son!” Manuel said, ducking a chair shot from the Butcher and slapping him in Backlund’s patented cross-faced chicken wing submission maneuver.

The Necro Butcher, moments before being taught a thing or two by Good Ol’ Cholly.

Manuel then grabbed a kendo stick – otherwise known as a Singapore Cane popularized by former ECW great The Sandman – from ringside and cracked the bamboo rod over Necro Butcher’s skull, easily putting him down for the three-count pin.

“That’s how you do it, you sum’bitch. Never let your guard down against old Cholly. I’m the dirtiest player in the game,” Manuel said, standing above the unconscious wrestler. He exited the ring, but not before sending a stream of tobacco juice into Necro Butcher’s face.

Manuel then pointed at a Wrestlemania 31, indicating his desire to be in the biggest wrestling event of the year.

This will not be the first appearance of a Philadelphia Phillies representative in the annual wrestling competition. Former Phillies GM Ed Wade was entrant number 15 in the 1998 Royal Rumble, wrestling in his decades old high school singlet. He was dispatched by Cactus Jack 30 seconds into his entry, receiving a steel chair shot to the dome and tumbling out of the ring.

BREAKING NEWS: Ruben Amaro Jr. announces Phillies will embrace new technologies

Mandatory Myspace pages for players, employees, according to the Phillies GM.

Philadelphia, PA – Ruben Amaro Jr. revealed earlier today the organization will begin to embrace new, advanced statistics, scouting techniques and analytics by signing each and every one of its players and organizational employees on to MySpace before the starts of the 2015 season.

Amaro touted the “new technology” as being easy to use, cost effective and fun.

“I firmly believe this will give us a leg up as an organization and help us cast aside the notion that we’re antiquated and stodgy,” Amaro said. “I personally hired an outside IT firm to set up accounts for each player and employee, and we will be requiring daily, mandatory posts on each account and at least one favorite song posted to each wall.”

When asked how much he paid the firm for the set up, Amaro said it was in the “neighborhood of about $5 million. It’s a one-time only installation fee, coupled with an annual maintenance contract of just $750,000.”

Amaro asked reporters to crowd around his Imac as he logged onto his new account, giving them a preview of the future of the Philadelphia Phillies.

Amaro’s homepage was decorated with a number of Phillies emblems, a picture of the 2008 World Series trophy, and a photograph of his pet cat, Marmalade. A midi version of “Camptown Races” automatically began to play upon his logging in.

“Can you imagine how much time this will save our scouts? Why go out to a game, when prospects can just send us highlights online?” he said.

The only post on Amaro’s wall not written by the GM himself was from Phillies radio announcer Larry Andersen.

“Hey Rube, I heard the Red Sox want you to come up to Fenway tonight to discuss a trade for Howard. They told me they’ll give you three butts and a fart to be named later. LOLOLOLO you suck fruit!” the message simply read.

As of press time, Amaro had only two confirmed friends, and was awaiting responses on 6,743 users.

Editor’s note: A disaster of Ruben Amaro Jr. proportions

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Just several days into the greatest sports blog this city has ever seen we’ve ran into our first moral dilemma. i’ve been vomiting for hours and I can not stop crying. Not since “Sophie’s Choice” has anyone ever been at such a crossroads in their life. I’ve been punching holes in just about all of my house’s walls for hours now, but I’m still at a loss for what to do.

Please, before I reveal this horrid development, forcefully remove any child reading this from his/her computer and lock them in the basement with an orange for the next 45 minutes, this is adult business and I don’t want them to see their guardian weeping openly at their computer.

David Coggin, the man (the myth, the legend) this blog was founded on, has blocked me on Twitter.

Let me repeat that….DAVID COGGIN…the greatest pitcher the Phillies have seen in the last century….blocked the founder of this blog on Twitter.

The evidence:

It’s too painful. Was it the toboggan references? Depicting you as a gun toting alcoholic, carrying a grudge against Philadelphia? Were you working on a blog of your own and didn’t want to compete with a superior, already established site? DAVID YOU OWE ME THIS MUCH…JUST LET ME KNOW.

We shall plug on. We didn’t found ourselves on the man himself, but for what he stood for…moderately amusing observations and a gigantic waste of time.