Philadelphia

Tragedy strikes 97.5 FM as Mike Missanelli is trapped in show vault

mikemissanellijpg2 Philadelphia, PA – Mike Missanelli, host of a popular afternoon drive show on 97.5 FM the Fanatic, is entering hour number 15 of being trapped inside his show vault.

The seasoned veteran sports talk host accidentally locked himself into his own hacky bit, where he “opens the vault” and plays pre-recorded clips of callers “going off” on various topics of the day. Missanelli was fetching the latest batch of “hilarious, off-the-wall calls” for the bit and accidentally swung the vault door behind him and has been trapped for more than 15 hours.

Jason Myrtetus, producer for the Mike Missanelli Show, said he heard Mike screaming for help behind the 15-inch thick steel vault door.

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RumorBot 2.0 debuts and predicts the next Eagles head coach

Definitely not RumorBot 2.0. You have to see him after the jump.

The Coggin Toboggan engineers are some of the most dedicated employees we have at the blog. The last time we called on them they delivered HitchBot 2.0 after the first had been destroyed in the streets of Philadelphia.

They came through with flying colors and redeemed this city in its darkest hours. I mean, just look at the replacement they developed. It’s sleek, it’s sexy, and most importantly it got results.

I will mention that the Coggin Toboggan engineers did fail us one time, but we asked them to play god and no man should ever play God. The less said the better, but messing around with the human genome and trying to splice it with bald eagle DNA makes for some horrific sins against nature. We had to burn so many bodies in the dumpster behind the offices. Those inhuman shrieks will fill my soul with dread for the rest of my life. They had human eyes! Human! May God have mercy on us all.

But I digress. Every sports writer and hack sports talk radio host has been giving their best guesses as to who the Eagles will hire to be their next head coach. Will it be Doug Marrone?! Or maybe Jon Gruden will come out of retirement.

We’re sick of guesses, so we asked our engineers to develop a state-of-the-art piece of technology that would factor in every single piece of data about the available coaching candidates and be able to give us a DEFINITIVE answer as to whom the Eagles will hire to be their next coach.

The Toboggan engineers have never let us down before, so we figured we’d let them have a go at it. While we won’t tell you any of the details that went into creating the machine, we will say that what they came up for us is simply outstanding.

After the jump you’ll see RumorBot 2.0 tell us exactly who will be the next coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. We also ran the test for the New York Giants and the Cleveland Browns.

Spoilers ahead. You have been warned.

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Tom Coughlin demands early bird interview with Philadelphia

tom-coughlin Philadelphia, PA – Citing his desire to “not be up at all hours of the night,” head coach candidate Tom Coughlin showed up close to 7-hours early for his scheduled interview this afternoon.

Coughlin exited his 1993 Lincoln Town Car and asked to be interviewed in a corner booth at the NovaCare Complex cafeteria, as it looked “less drafty” than one of the tables in the center of the room.

“Why come all the way down to Philadelphia to sit in a drafty table?” Coughlin said, after making Eagles representatives move tables several times to find an acceptable place to sit.

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Andy Reid endorses Cheesesteak for Philadelphia head coach

Andy Reid Philadelphia, PA – A former head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles made his opinions known this week as to who should be the next leader of the franchise.

Reid reportedly called owner Jeffrey Lurie and suggested he take a long, hard look at a cheesesteak from Tony Luke’s to lead the team for the 2016-2017 season.

“I owe everything I have to those sandwiches at Tony Luke’s. If I needed support or had a bad day, one or three of those delicious sandwiches would put me in a better mindset. Just one dripping with cheese whiz, tiny onions that melt in your mouth, I can practically taste it in my mustache as we speak,” Reid said.

“Well look at what we have here,” Reid said, running his fingers through his mustache and picking out a fossilized crumb from the depths of his whiskers.

Onlookers were horrified as the Kansas City coach then popped it into his mouth.

“See? You can always count on Tony Luke’s. I think that still had some cheese on it, my goodness,” Reid said. “That’ll make your engine run. Time’s yours.”

Reid reportedly then licked his lips for the next five minutes and stared into space.

At press time, Reid changed his endorsement to a 5-week-old pork chop he found in the folds of his back fat.

My interview with Jeffrey Lurie

Jeffrey Lurie (file photo)

It’s no secret that the Eagles front office contacted me late Sunday after the conclusion of the final game of the season and asked if I would come in and at least interview for the head coaching vacancy. The Eagles have long tried to tap into my extensive knowledge of the game, but the time has never been right for me to join them in an official position. I’ve always had other opportunities on the horizon…starting my own aardvark sanctuary, janitor to the rich and famous, sketchy looking drifter trying to hitch rides on the edge of county lines…I’ve been booked solid for years.

But Mr. Lurie finally convinced me to come in and at least kick the tires for the position. I only agreed if I could transcribe the interview process for the Toboggan and share it with our readers.

He agreed and this is our conversation.

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Flyers horrified to realize Philadelphia’s hopes now rest entirely on them

giroux-upset Philadelphia, PA – An eerie feeling came over the Flyers Skate Zone yesterday, almost as if every single active member of the roster suddenly realized that without the Eagles to occupy most of the city’s attention, they would now be the prime source of hope and attention for the city’s rabid fan base.

An ashen faced Claude Giroux addressed the media after a sloppy practice, where it was evident the entire team had reached the same epiphany and were already crumbling under the weight of Philadelphia’s expectations.

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Eagles backup corner Buckley Chillingsworth disappointed team won Sunday afternoon

Chillingsworth file photo.

New York, NY – Little used and little known fourth string corner back Buckley Chillingsworth expressed his utter disappointment Sunday after the Eagles won their final game against the Giants, and thus do not have to play a game in London next year.

It had been determined that the loser of the Eagles and Giants contest would have to play a game in London during the 2016-2017 season.

Chillingsworth, a graduate of the London Finishing and Etiquette School for Esteemed Young Gentlemen, admitted to the media Monday morning he was less than happy he would not play a game in front of foggy London town next year.

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Happy New Year from the Coggin Toboggan!

202b-2bthe2bmillennium-mkv_snapshot_13-11_255b2013-12-31_11-57-28255d Happy New Year from The Coggin Toboggan! I’m sure many of you are in my shoes now…hungover, pantsless, wondering where you can score some heroin…it’s a great way to start 2016!

So while you’re recovering and hoping that the blood on the hood of your car is just a dog, take a few and revisit some of our funniest articles from 2016.

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Complete Philly Coverage and The Coggin Toboggan, a rag tag bunch of misfits

CPC To kick 2016 off on the right foot, we have decided to support and publicize another local Philadelphia sports blog that we enjoy.

Complete Philly Coverage approached us about a week ago and proposed a partnership of sorts. Do we want them to publicize some of our articles? Yes of course. Would we publicize some of their articles? Definitely.

It’s the ultimate underdog story.

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All good things must come to an end

It was one year ago today that I decided to start this blog. 383 posts later and here we are, on the precipice of 2016.

When I started The Coggin Toboggan I wanted to see how dedicated I could be to giving the City of Philadelphia an alternative news source that would be unafraid to tell the real story, and I believe we did that during our time serving the City of Brotherly Love.

I wanted to prove to myself that I could stick with a project for an entire year, that I could be disciplined enough to do something that people would enjoy, and not get anything in return.

I believe I did that over these last 365 days.

But, as the headline says, all good things in this life must come to an end. It was a great year, we made fun of a ton of people, wrote some good stuff, hopefully entertained you with a hot take or two, and perhaps even made a name for ourselves in a very crowded and busy sports blog market just trying to crush each other for hits and notoriety.

We made it and we made a name for ourselves, generating a nice following of fans who enjoy our ridiculous brand of humor and horrendous takes on the idiocy of sports in Philadelphia.

Hopefully our readers understand what a toll it is to write all of these article. I wrote all 383 over the past year, it was not easy and it was a complete grind.

With a new baby on the way, this just makes my decision much, much easier.

It’s tough to make this announcement, and I do so with a very heavy hart, but after the break I have embedded a perfect promo from the legendary Ric Flair that will explain our situation to our dedicated readers.

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