Philadelphia Eagles

The Pros/Cons of Carson Wentz

022816_carson-wentz_1200With news dropping that the number two overall draft pick Carson Wentz would not participate in the final preseason game this Thursday and would likely not dress for the regular season, it’s natural for Eagles fans to wonder if they were sold a bill of goods on the young quarterback.

Sure he had great success in his college career at North Dakota State playing against sub par competition, but how good is the young gunslinger and will he ever live up to expectations in a city that demands a lot from its football team?

The Coggin Toboggan’s scout team has you covered and has put together a comprehensive pros and cons list of what many fans hope will be the first quarterback to bring a Super Bowl to Philadelphia.

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Painstaking thawing process of Merrill Reese has begun for regular season
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The absolute best.

Philadelphia, PA – With just 20 days until the Eagles first regular season game of 2016, the organization has begun the painstaking process of thawing the cryogenically frozen play-by-play announcer Merrill Reese.

The 73-year-old announcer has been cryogenically frozen at the end of each season since 2012, when the franchise determined he was experiencing too much wear and tear during the offseason and needed to be preserved for 16 weeks (or more, depending on the playoffs) of the NFL season.

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Report: Caleb Sturgis suffered concussion, but not from errant punt
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Thoughts and prayers.

Pittsburgh, PA – In one of the most bizarre scenarios on a football field this preseason, the Eagles reported last night that placekicker Caleb Sturgis suffered a concussion in pregame warmups after an errant Donnie Jones punt hit him square in the head.

Sturgis did suffer a concussion in the pregame warmups last night, that much is true, but sources are telling the Coggin Toboggan that the Eagles fabricated the punt incident to keep the real story out of the media.

A source has told the Coggin that Sturgis suffered his concussion at the hands of Morganna the Kissing Bandit, who abruptly came out of retirement last night to attend the preseason game.

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Hold on a second…was Carson Wentz in Brazil with Ryan Lochte?

022816_carson-wentz_1200Not a good day if you’re a fan of the U.S. men’s Olympic swim team, folks.

If you’re following the soap opera currently unfurling in Rio this week with several members of the U.S. swimming team than I’m sure you’ve already seen the newest wrinkle to this very strange story.

This newest tidbit broke this morning and further lends doubt to the story Ryan Lochte told the media earlier this week about being robbed at gunpoint by fake Brazil police officers.

Oh boy. Ryan Lochte, you’ve got some splainin’ to do.

But hold on a second…seems like a familiar story. Where have I seen something like this before…hmmm….

OH MY GOD WE’VE BUSTED THIS STORY WIDE OPEN.

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“Everyone hates me and is blaming me for the season already,” sobbing Lane Johnson says from tree fort

100615_lane-johnson_1024Philadelphia, PA – After scrambling up his rope ladder and hanging the “no gurlz alloud” sign on his tree fort after an open practice where he was mocked for an upcoming 10 game suspension by fans, Eagles offensive tackle Lane Johnson loudly sobbed into a ratty pillow he stole from his mother’s house and refused to come down for anyone.

“It’s not fair. I didn’t mean to get suspended. They totally said I could take that peptide, the NFLPA is just a bunch of poop-filled jerks! It’s not my fault! Crap!” Johnson said, despite knowing he wasn’t allowed to cuss and could see his bedtime moved up by as much as an hour if anyone heard.

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Doug Pederson to start calling in plays now to ensure they reach Bradford by game time
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Doug Pederson feels he has a good play-calling system in place now.

Philadelphia, PA – On the morning of their first 2016 preseason contest against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, newly minted Eagles Head Coach Doug Pederson has begun the process of sending in his first series of plays to quarterback Sam Bradford, with the hope that they’ll arrive by the start of the game.

Pederson, who has already faced criticism from fans and the media for his antiquated method of calling a play into the offense, said he has corrected his methods.

“We reviewed our play calling process and we feel like we really have the system down now. Should be a good game tonight, better start calling in those plays now,” Pederson said.

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110-pound, acne free Lane Johnson addresses claims and denies PED use
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Lane Johnson circa 2015.

Philadelphia, PA – Following reports from Howard Eskin and Darren Degaetano that Eagles right tackle Lane Johnson would face a 10-game suspension for PED use, the gaunt and sickly looking offensive lineman spoke out this afternoon and denied the reports.

Practically swimming in his jersey, the 110-pound Johnson addressed the rumors and said he hadn’t touched a PED since his first violation in 2014.

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Forgotten Chip Kelly regime microchip has been shocking Jason Peters for 24 hours

19128184-mmmainPhiladelphia, PA – Nearly a full day since Eagles lineman Jason Peters addressed the media after training camp and levied several harsh statements about previous head coach Chip Kelly, the tiny microchip that had been implanted in Peters’ spine by Kelly physicians three seasons ago has not stopped sending violent electric shocks through his system.

On Thursday after training camp concluded, Peters told reporters he was happy to see new head coach Doug Pederson bringing back the Andy Reid system to the organization, and he further stated that if veterans stood up to Kelly in the past they would be let go.

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Injured Ryan Mathews having best start to a training camp in his career
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The oft-injured Ryan Mathews is having his best start to a training camp ever.

Philadelphia, PA – Running back Ryan Mathews expressed his positivity to reporters this morning about his status in training camp, noting that a sprained ankle before the official start of camp is a personal best for the oft-injured Eagles running back.

Mathews reportedly sprained his ankle TRAINING for training camp last week and will likely miss several days after being placed on the non-football injury list.

It’s the best start to a season he’s ever had in term of an injury, Mathews told reporters.

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