Philadelphia 76ers

Sam Hinkie caught trying to make several trades out of spite

sam-hinkiePhiladelphia, PA – 76ers staff and executive had to forcibly break the door down of Sam Hinkie’s office Thursday evening, as the general manager reportedly tried to trade several members of the current roster for next to nothing.

Behind the barricaded door to his office, 76ers executives could hear Hinkie having a discussion with the Los Angeles Lakers that would have sent Jahlil Okafor to the west coast for Nick Young and a second round pick in return.

Hinkie is reportedly “not pleased” with the hiring of Jerry Colangelo, as several pundits think the move to bring on Colangelo will signal the end of Hinkie’s employment with the Sixers.

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Jerry Colangelo announces intentions to turn 76ers around, go to bed at 5:30 p.m.
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Full of vim and vigor.

Philadelphia, PA – Jerry Colangelo, the new Chairman of Basketball Operations for the Philadelphia 76ers, announced he will take great care in turning around the franchise that has been the subject of heavy criticism around the league.

Colangelo also announced he would take a three-hour nap from noon to 3 p.m., enjoy a lovely early-bird dinner at 4 p.m., and be ready for half-an-hour of work before calling it a night at 5:30 p.m.

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76ers hire Thunderlips as a bodyguard for Jahlil Okafor

thunderlipsPhiladelphia, PA – To ensure the talented, but immature, Jahlil Okafor does not get into anymore trouble and put himself into negative situations, the 76ers announced Thursday morning that  three-year deal has been struck with Thunderlips, the ultimate male, to be his bodyguard.

“To all my love slaves out there, Thunderlips is here! In the flesh, baby! The ultimate male,” he said, stroking his luscious blonde hair.

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Kobe Bryant: Philadelphia has great fans, women who can keep secrets

vkyxu4eql8175ugmyjgyPhiladelphia, PA – Kobe Bryant, a sure first-ballot hall of famer, met with the media before playing his final game in Philadelphia after announcing he would retire at the end of the season.

The oft-vilified Bryant was all smiles as he described how much he would miss the city, its fans, and its tight-lipped women.

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Okafor: ‘At least it’s not raining!’ minutes before being indicted for treason

76ers-center-jahlil-okaforPhiladelphia, PA – Not believing his rash of bad luck in the past week, 76ers center looked skyward after news released of his traffic stop on the Ben Franklin Bridge for driving 108 MPH and jokingly told his teammates “at least it’s not raining!” before going to field questions from the media.

Minutes later CIA agents were arresting the embattled rookie for high treason against the U.S. government.

“We had reason to believe Mr. Okafor was selling some of our most sensitive nuclear secrets to the Chinese,” said CIA spokesman Richard Grant. “After a high tech sting with some of our highest operatives, we have reached the rock-solid conclusion that he is one of America’s greatest internal enemies.”

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Just sit back and enjoy each 76ers loss, the most entertaining team in the city

76ers logoI’ve watched 16 minutes of the first period of the Flyers game against the Edmonton Oilers, who are 4-8, and have outshot the Flyers by 16-2 so far.

The Eagles are so bad this season the fan base practically begged the Eagles to seriously consider parting ways with draft picks to trade for Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick was benched this week in favor of backup QB Blaine Gabbert, the very same Blaine Gabbert who has thrown more interceptions in his professional career than touchdowns.

They want him to replace Sam Bradford. Bradford has the longest sleeves in the NFL. That’s the only positive you can mention about him this season.

It’s going to be a shitty winter. Perhaps Phil Connors said it best, “I’ll give you a winter prediction: It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”

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Hinkie congratulates Okafor on fabulous debut, trades him to New York

76ers-center-jahlil-okaforBoston, Mass – Jahlil Okafor had his coming out party last night, scoring 26 points and snatching 7 rebounds in a 95-112 loss to the Boston Celtics, showcasing the offensive prowess that attracted so many teams to him in the NBA Draft.

76ers GM Sam Hinkie addressed the media after the game and was over the moon about Okafor’s performance.

“Jahlil showed everyone tonight why he had so much attention going into the 2015 draft. He absolutely dominated the low post and the center of the floor tonight, he was everything we expected and much, much more,” the beaming Hinkie said. “Which is why this next announcement is so hard for us to make.”

Hinkie revealed the 76ers traded Okafor after the game to the New York Knicks for center Lou Amundson and a second round pick in 2017.

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Steve Rannazzisi admits to lying about leading 76ers in scoring in 2001 season
Yuck.

Yuck.

Philadelphia, PA – Popular comedian and actor in the FX series, “The League,” Steve Rannazzisi admitted today that he lied about leading the Philadelphia 76ers in scoring during the 2001 season and winning the NBA’s Most Valuable Player award for that year.

When confronted with information that proved he was lying about the claim he made on Marc Maron’s WTF podcast three years ago, Rannazzisi posted a statement on social media claiming he made a “horrible mistake.”

“It was a foolish, horrible mistake. I was not on the Philadelphia 76ers roster that day, nor have I ever been a member of any NBA team. I don’t know why I said this. This was inexcusable. I am truly, truly sorry.”

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Sam Hinkie puts down Joel Embiid in parking lot behind Wells Fargo Center
Joel

RIP

Philadelphia, PA – Not wanting to see the beloved Joel Embiid in pain any longer, Sam Hinkie learned how cruel the world could be and what it means to be a grown up.

“You know it’s the right thing to do Sam. If you love him, you won’t let him suffer any longer,” 76ers Managing Owner Josh Harris told the crying Hinkie, as he handed him a loaded double-barreled Remington shotgun.

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Hinkie: We made Mr. Divac an offer he couldn’t refuse

Hinkie glassesSacramento, CA – Speaking from a sprawling chalet just outside of Sacramento, Sam Hinkie told reporters Thursday morning the decision to “nudge” Sacramento Kings Vlade Divac, vice president of basketball and franchise operations, into a better state of mind paid off greatly with the 76ers acquisition of Nik Stauskas for next to nothing.

“I’m happy Mr. Divac finally came around to our way of thinking. It’s so much better when things work out for everything, isn’t it Mr. Aldemir?” Hinkie said, handing 76ers power forward Furkan Aldemir an empty cappuccino cup.

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