Philadelphia 76ers

Jerry Colangelo sex party forces 76ers game cancellation

635848397075677000-sports-1-jerry-colangelo-12Philadelphia, PA – After a slick sheen on the Wells Fargo Center court rendered the surface unplayable last night, the 76ers were forced to postpone their matchup against the Sacramento Kings until a later date.

John Page, president of the Wells Fargo Center complex, said excessive moisture on the court forced the cancellation of the game. When asked why the surface of the court was affected, Page pointed to an event held at the center earlier in the day.

“We have some ideas of what could have caused this, but all signs point squarely to Jerry Colangelo’s annual swingers party that he held at center court earlier in the day,” Page noted.

The Colangelo sponsored “bacchanal orgy” was a holdover from his previous GM contract with the organization, which allotted him space in the Wells Fargo Center once a year to live out his depraved perversions.

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76ers already running out of victory confetti

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – After their fourth home-win in a row in the young season, the 76ers franchise is scrambling to re-stock the victory confetti it shoots out of giant cannons after every win at the Wells Fargo Center.

The organization only bought enough victory confetti to celebrate eight wins at home, an optimistic estimation by all standards prior to the beginning of the season.

“God damnit…mix in a win on the road, I do not want to have to call the supplier this early in the year, it’s going to blow our entire yearly budget,” said Thomas Kincade, 76ers Operation Manager.

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Elated Gerald Henderson thought MVP chants were for him
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MVP.

Philadelphia, PA – An over the moon Gerald Henderson beamed as he spoke with reporters after the 76ers season opening loss to the Thunder, as the new shooting guard said he could hardly believe the welcome the fans game him and love they showed him throughout last night’s contest.

“You hear things about these fans when you’re not playing in the city, but let me tell you, they’re class acts. Those MVP MVP MVP chants they were giving me last night? I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that,” Henderson said, mistaking the obvious chants directed to new star in the making Joel Embiid as directed at him.

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Keys to the 76ers opener by a local sports anchor just finding out Durant no longer on the Thunder

kevin20durant20golden20state20warriors20-vresize-1200-675-high-17Ohhhhhhh it’s a happy day in Philadelphia for all those 76ers fans, as the Sixers will kick off their 2016-2017 season tonight when they take on Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma Thunder in a real test right out of the gates.

It’s been a long time coming for 76ers fans, as fan favorite Dario Saric and perceived franchise savior Joel Embiid will take to the court to try and shut down the high powered offense of the Thunder, led of course by perennial MVP favorite Kevin Durant and guard Russell Westbrook.

Durant, who received heavy interest this offseason, ultimately chose to re-sign with the Thunder and bring his hefty 27 points per game average back to Oklahoma for another run.

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Classic overreaction on its way…

tumblr_mou8y9bxwc1sqwnloo1_500Well that’s it. It was fun while it lasted. Carson Wentz is officially a bust and the Eagles are a bunch of frauds. Sure they’re 3-2, but they’ll probably lose out for the rest of the season and finish 3-13. WE’RE BACK TO THE DARK DAYS, PEOPLE. Get down on your knees and pray to the God of your choice, because nothing is going to help us now.

I’m not in Philadelphia, but I’m sure Angelo Cataldi has already had multiple on air heart attacks and a debilitating stroke about the Eagles loss. Did he try and blame Malcolm Jenkins for DARING to raise his hand during the National Anthem a few weeks ago? I’m sure he did.

It’s all over people. It was a good few weeks wasn’t it? We were all feeling great about the Eagles, feeling our oats, crowing about our franchise QB….now we lose to a team with a racist name who didn’t even have their best player on offense.

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We saw a sublime talent, destined to be one of the greats, debut for the 76ers last night

joel-embiid-shirley-templesIf you watched the 76ers kick off their 2016-2017 season in Boston last night, decades from now you’ll be able to tell your grandchildren that you saw one of the greatest Sixers to ever put on the uniform suit up for the first time in his long and successful career.

The energy was insane leading up to this game. Can anyone remember another time that this city got so pumped up for a 76ers preseason game? How about even a regular season game? It didn’t come close.

Twitter was bumping. The Hinkie-ites were out in full force, puffing out their chests, saying “look at what our fallen leader has done for you. Be thankful, Philadelphia.” Even the national media was paying attention, keeping at least one eye on the 76ers during opening night of the MLB postseason.

It was all because of one man. The man who so many have already labeled a savior of the organization despite only playing sparse minutes in one preseason game.

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Fired-up Joel Embiid has been kicking a concrete pillar all morning

0344696Philadelphia, PA – On the morning of his first preseason game after a long road to the NBA, 76ers center Joel Embiid has spent a fidgety day at the team’s practice facility, dealing with butterflies before making his professional basketball debut.

Head Coach Brett Brown said athletes tend to deal with nervous energy in their own ways. Some sit in a corner by themselves to think, others listen to their music before game time, others can’t stop talking to their teammates, he said.

Dario Saric, another 76ers rookie, has taken to joking around with his teammates and calling his family this morning, Brown said.

Embiid has taken a different approach.

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Joel Embiid’s inexperience on full display, shows up to practice in cleats
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Embiid still has a long way to go.

Philadelphia, PA – Third-year member of the 76ers Joel Embiid stepped on the court in a competitive setting for the first time since 2014 yesterday, but the talented, yet raw, center showed he has miles to go before he reaches his true potential.

He showed his lack of experience throughout practice, scrambling to defend pick and rolls all morning, biting on every pump fake in the post, and struggling to find grip on the hardwood court due to wearing metal cleats to practice.

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Marcus Hayes: ‘Dario came over because he knew of Turkey coup and I have gone heat crazy’
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Marcus Hayes in cooler times.

Marcus Hayes, famed columnist, sweating enthusiast for the Philadelphia Daily News and Coggin Toboggan Super Fan #1 contacted us over the weekend and said he wanted to run his latest column by us and our readers before he release it to the public. We’re fans of local journalism, so of COURSE we told him we would and let our readers be the judge.

Marcus wrote the column over this past weekend and shared his thoughts on the newly arrived Dario Saric, who left Turkey just days before the country crumbled into a massive military coup to unseat the president, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan.

His latest column is a bit of a departure from his usual level-headed style, but perhaps just see for yourself after the jump?

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Reports: Dario Saric charters steamer ship to America

Dario SaricZagreb, Croatia – Sources have confirmed that Dario Saric, a forward for Anadolu Efes of the Turkish Basketball Super League, is currently in the Croatian port city of Sibenik and has booked himself a steerage ticket on a steamer ship and will set sail to America within the fortnight.

Saric, who has heard of far begone tales of good work and golden paved streets in America, reportedly packed his steamer trunk and bought a sack of limes from a merchant marine to ward off scurvy for the grueling trip ahead.

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