NFL

Local man experiences more joy in 10 seconds of meaningless NFL preseason game than entire Phillies season

hall_of_fame_gamePhiladelphia, PA – Mindlessly flipping through stations last evening, Tim Brackens, 33, became inordinately excited when he stumbled upon the NFL Hall of Fame game between the Steelers and Vikings at 8:23 p.m.

Brackens experienced more joy in the first 10 seconds he watched of the first preseason game, which featured exactly zero predicted first week starters for either team, than the entire summer of Philadelphia sports put together.

“Holy shit, football! Preseason started tonight, fuck yes!” Brackens said, sitting up quickly on his couch.

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Marcus Smith thrilled to get chance to underwhelm fans, coaches at training camp
The soon to be unemployed Marcus Smith.

The soon to be unemployed Marcus Smith.

Philadelphia, PA – Following the news that OLB Travis Long had torn his ACL for the second time in three seasons, second year OLB Marcus Smith knew this would open doors for him in training camp.

You never want to hope for the injury of another teammate, but the opportunity is not lost on Smith.

“I can’t wait to get out on the field and show the coaches what I did over the off season,” Smith told reporters Thursday morning. “I don’t want to go too much into my training regiment, but let’s just say I got up to 20 pushups and over 50 jumping jacks at my absolute peak. Do you think anyone else here can do this?”

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Tennessee pick of Marcus Marioto leaves Marcus Mariota wide open for Eagles
Marcus Marioto, newest member of the Tennessee Titans.

Marcus Marioto, newest member of the Tennessee Titans.

Chicago, Illinois – In a shocking move Thursday night, the Tennessee Titans drafted 42-year-old arc welder Marcus Marioto out of Sheboygan number two overall, which went unnoticed by 17 teams until the Eagles selected Marcus Mariota at 20.

“Couldn’t believe it. How did nobody else not notice this,” Chip Kelly said, grinning from the Eagles war room.

It’s unknown if the Titans selected Marioto on purpose, or accidentally wrote the wrong name of the player they wished to select on the draft card submitted to the NFL. Apparently every team drafting after the Titans did not know Marcus Marioto was a real person and is now legally bound to play for the Titans next year.

“We see a lot in Mr. Marioto. If we can get him into any kind of shape, we think he’ll be a valuable addition to our team. Plus, he can definitely help cut down on maintenance in the stadium,” an obviously flustered Titans GM Ruston Webster. “Of course we wanted to draft him. We wouldn’t do something so insanely stupid as to write down the wrong name of the player. To think, a franchise’s future altered by the simple misspelling of a name. That’s rich.”

Webster stared sheepishly at the ground, not making eye contact once with Mel Kiper Jr. The two had to move the interview to a secluded area, as Titans fans in attendance pelted Webster with heads of cabbage and rotten tomatoes.

Marcus Marioto was reached for comment at his modest rancher in Sheboygan.

“It was a shock, sure, I had no idea how I was even eligible for the draft, but here we are,” the father of two and recent divorcee said. “Not sure how well my bad knee will hold up under the rigors of an NFL schedule, but I’ll give it my best.”

As of press time, Chip Kelly and Marcus Mariota were shotgunning celebratory beers in a parking lot in Hawaii.

Editor’s Note: Expect everything and anything for tonight

Philadelphia, PA – It’s an exciting night for Philadelphia, as weeks of tension and debate have led to this moment and this event that will undoubtedly leave thousands of rabid Philadelphia fans on the edge of their seats, clutching their remotes and hanging on every word.

There are a number of different scenarios that could happen tonight, so why don’t we take a moment to just run over some things that have happened in the past weeks and see where we could all end up?

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Chip Kelly’s draft-night plan, a play in 9 acts.

NFL_DraftChip Kelly has been really working the phones just a day before the annual NFL, which will be held tomorrow. We’ve received word that Kelly has been using some interesting techniques to try and bend the opinions of NFL GMs and coaches to give the Eagles a better opportunity to select the player they covet.

We’ve received inside information into a recent conversation Kelly had via text message to Ruston Webster, Tennessee Titans GM. The Titans currently have the second pick in tomorrow night’s draft. Let’s take a look, shall we?

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Chip Kelly completely spaces on upcoming NFL draft
Shit!

Shit! We’re going to blow this, aren’t we?

Philadelphia, PA – A panicked Chip Kelly burst into the NovaCare Center Tuesday morning, hundreds of pages of print outs slipping from his hands as he sprinted into his office, screaming at his top officials to meet him in Conference Room A in five minutes.

“We spaced, we fucked spaced on the draft this week!” Kelly screamed, as he slammed hastily printed NFL draft cheat sheets from Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay onto the table in front of several nervous front office executives. “How did we do this? We had one thing to do for the rest of the offseason, one thing, and we completely forgot about it. Please someone tell me that they saw some of the college bowl games…god we are so fucked!”

Kelly glared at Ed Marynowitz, the newest front office member, before throwing a pile of loose leaf paper at him.

“I swiped these from that lump Michael Barkann when I saw him on the subway this morning. Four eyes, scour through those and see if he has any insights on players who declared for the draft. Did Winston declare? Did Mariota? We need to figure this out!”

Kelly lifted his hands to the heavens and shook his fists angrily at God before falling back into a swiveling chair, covering his eyes.

“We cannot fuck this up. These people will kill me. These fans….shit….these fans will not let me forget it if I mess this up. Do we go defense first? Offense first? Should we make a trade? Where are we drafting, 19 right? Or is it 20? Someone sign us up for ESPN Insider, I need answers.”

As of press time, Kelly was holding an impromptu press conference where he was reportedly blaming the debacle on Howie Roseman, who had been demoted to Head of Ticket Sales.

Les Bowen furious Eagles organization didn’t invite him to team shower after playground build
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It’s outrageous that I not have access to team showers.

Philadelphia, PA – Citing his frustration at the new Eagles front office regime, Les Bowen took to Twitter yesterday and publicly voiced his opinion on how much more difficult it is to cover the players’ showers after games and public functions under Chip Kelly’s leadership.

Bowen was furious the organization did not allow him access to the team’s shower after a Wednesday afternoon community service event, where several players on the team roster had constructed a playground for Philadelphia children.

“Just another example of how truly frustrating it is to try and do my job,” Bowen said on Twitter.

“How can I do my job properly if I can’t speak to Connor Barwin while he’s soaping his biceps and lower back after a sweaty day’s work?” Bowen tweeted, continuing his rant on the public media forum.

The Daily News beat writer lashed out at several of his followers as they questioned his need to actually attend the group showers to effectively write about the team and its chances for next year.

“If you know of a better way to cover this team where I’m not naked and wet with the players, I’d like to hear it,” he posted.

Bowen then posted several images on his Twitter feed from his showers with several players on the roster from year’s past.

“I need to be able to cover this team to the best of my ability. If that doesn’t involve Matt Barkley scrubbing my back, then I can’t do my job.”

Eagles sign Jesus, Tim Tebow to one-year deal
Jesus Christ, savior, strong safety.

Jesus Chris, savior, strong safety.

Philadelphia, PA – Citing a need for a fourth string quarterback and a new savior, the Philadelphia Eagles announced yesterday the signing of Tim Tebow, a free agent, and Jesus H. Christ, the son of God, to one-year deals.

“We like the versatility of what Tim can give us at the quarterback position. We can easily run a spread option or bootleg him out, we like that about him,” Head Coach Chip Kelly said. “And Jesus really gives us an extra edge. He’s tall, lean, and quick. If we can get him out of those sandals and into a pair of cleats we think he can really help us in the secondary.”

The pair was a package deal, Kelly said, as Christ said he would only sign if Tebow were included in the deal as well.

Tebow worked out with the Eagles two months ago and was left unsigned, but when Jesus Christ said he would join the team if they brought Tebow on, the Eagles jumped at the chance.

“He’s light on his feet, you know that, how else would he have walked on water. That’s a huge plus,” Kelly said. “He’ll be a big plus in the commissary as well. If we ever run low on bread or fish after practices, we’ll know where to go.”

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Some guy.

Tebow and Christ, lifelong friends, approached the Eagles with their plan over the weekend. While Tebow is expected to struggle to make the team next season, Christ will jump right into the start secondary, with many scouts predicting he’ll be one of two starting safeties next year.

Some scouts wondered about Jesus’s maturity, as reports have come out in past years about some trouble he had with money changers at a nearby temple.

Despite the risks, Kelly said the Eagles were lucky to sign Jesus, and to a lesser extent, Tebow.

“Would we rather have just Jesus? Yes, I won’t lie, but we’re glad to have both,” Kelly said. “Besides, he’s a great guy to talk too. He’s helped a few guys out so far and he’s just a great clubhouse leader.”

BREAKING NEWS:

As of press time, the Eagles were apparently close to a deal with John the Baptist to fill a wide receiver role and to fill in as part time water boy.

Bill Belichick fully expects Aaron Hernandez to report for training camp
Fully expected to be available next season.

Fully expected to be available next season.

Boston, MASS – Despite former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez being found guilty of murder in the first degree this morning, head coach Bill Belichick said he expects the tight end to be accounted for this summer when the Patriots begin their 2015 training camp.

“Good, I’m glad that’s over with. Now that this trial nonsense is over with, I fully expect Aaron to be with us at training camp on time. Who wants to tell me different?” Belichick said, glowering as he spoke to Coggin reporters.

“He’s had two years of rest, it’s time for him to get back on the football field and do something that really matters. I’ll be happy when this distraction is over. He’s a young man that has made a mistake or two, but we won’t hold it against him.”

Hernandez, of course, was found guilty this morning by a jury of his peers for the murder of Odin Lloyd after an altercation at a nightclub. He faces an automatic sentence of life imprisonment with no parole.

Belichick said he was happy the ordeal was over with and New England could now refocus its thoughts on something of actual importance with real-world implications.

“We’re beginning our title defense in 2015-2016. We need his ability to stretch the field and give us a valuable two tight end set that no defense will be able to match. Sure he might have some rough edges, but I can’t imagine he won’t be with us next season. This is what really matters,” he said.

When told that Hernandez is also facing an upcoming trial for charges of double murder, Belichick said he would allow for it only if it didn’t interfere with mini camp training sessions.

Miles Austin fails physical to join Eagles food craft service team

Miles+Austin+GQ+XLV+Super+Bowl+Party+Inside+zl13BUtWc60lPhiladelphia, PA – After being transported from emergency surgery for a torn hamstring and two snapped ulnas, Miles Austin made it to Philadelphia and promptly failed a physical to join the Eagles food craft service.

Austin was brought in to fill the void created when Susie Gold retired from her longtime post at the hotdog stand in the main atrium of the stadium. It was found after a lengthy examination by team doctors that Austin could not be expected to withstand the rigors of 8 days of employment during the upcoming season.

“We found Mr. Austin could not remain standing in an upright position for 30 consecutive minutes and failed several tests to bring down a bag of hotdog buns from a supply shelf two feet over his head,” said Peter F. DeLuca, head orthopaedic surgeon for the Philadelphia Eagles. “He suffered from large spans of vertigo and asked where he was several times during the interview process.”

The deal would have brought him in to serve hotdogs for each home game at a rate of $7 per hour.

Despite failing the physical, Austin said he would not quit his dream to get back into football at any capacity.

As of press time, Austin was hit by a hot dog bun delivery truck as he left the stadium.