Eagles

‘We can takes cues from 76ers on injured players,’ says Roseman after taking mallet to cornerback’s knee

102813-howie-roseman-600After vigorously bashing recently selected cornerback Sidney Jones’s knee into a pulp with a croquet mallet, Howie Roseman held a press conference and assured the media that the Eagles were taking a cue from the 76ers medical staff on how to handle their injured prospects.

Jones, a highly regarded and talented cornerback, was selected by the Eagles in the 2nd round despite suffering a ruptured Achilles tendon at his pro-day workout.

“We can take a cue from the team across the street, and how they deal with injured players,” Roseman said, calmly washing the thick blood from his hands.

(more…)

Philadelphia cheapskates rejoice as Fred Barnett jerseys miraculously given second life

NFL: 2017 NFL DraftThousands of penny pinching cheapskates throughout Philadelphia rejoiced Thursday night after the Eagles announced Derek Barnett as their 14th pick in the 2017 NFL Draft.

The realization that several rolls of duct tape, a black magic marker and a steady hand could alter the Fred Barnett number 86 jersey into a Derek Barnett number 9 jersey pleased the city’s misers to no end.

“It’s a draft day miracle. My Fred Barnett jersey has risen again and will have a new life,” Angelo Maranaro of South Philadelphia said, celebrating the pick in a Chinese made Fletcher Cox knock-off jersey he purchased for $10 off ebay.

Maranaro then high-fived a friend clothed in a number 81 jersey that had the name of Terrell Owens crossed off in magic marker and replaced with Jason Avant.

The elation felt by the Philadelphia congregation of skinflints Thursday evening could only be potentially rivaled by the Eagles signing backup quarterback Colt McCoy and the athlete selecting to play in the number 25.

 

BREAKING: Maureen Crowley William rushes NFL draft stage, costs Eagles 1st Round Pick
Voila_Capture-2017-04-10_03-36-49_PM

MCW file photo (Credit: crossingbroad.com)

Just moments after the 2017 NFL draft went live on the air, ex-97.5 the Fanatic morning show producer Maureen Crowley Williams rushed NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, appearing live on-camera wearing a “Down with the Fanatic” t-shirt.

The ex-producer, better known as MCW, had not been heard or seen by the media since being let go by the sports talk radio station earlier this April.

As boos rained down from the crowd, the embattled ex-producer briefly grabbed onto Goodell before showing off her shirt, flashing the shocker sign to the camera, and being gang tackled by NFL security.

The frazzled Goodell took several moments to compose himself before making a crucial draft night announcement.

“The city of Philadelphia should be disgusted by this miscreant on stage tonight. For this embarrassment, I hereby decree the Eagles forfeit their first round pick. May god have mercy on your soul,” he said to the restrained MCW.

At press time, MCW had been tarred, feathered, and run out of town.

 

 

94 WIP risks its journalistic integrity, discusses highly controversial Eagles “mock draft”

08d40986-1dba-cfd3-ff75-dad5ce49b42dPerhaps in a desperate attempt to bolster its sliding ratings, 94 WIP threw caution to the wind this morning when Midday host Joe DeCamara decided to discuss, on live air, a controversial NFL mock draft that has been floating around the dark web of the internet for the past week.

For perhaps the first time in the station’s vaunted and respected history, a sports talk show decided to acknowledge and discuss unverified rumors about an upcoming sporting event.

Only previously discussed in hushed tones by journalists behind closed doors, DeCamara brought up the several page document, published by an unknown NFL insider and malcontent at ESPN, which attempted to accurately predict every pick for the seven round draft based on each team’s needs on the field.

(more…)

The Eagles have zero Super Bowls, but let’s all freak out about Kelly Green jerseys
randall-cunningham-eagles

Randall Cunningham is rolling over in his grave with all this nonsense about the Eagles jerseys.

No city in America is more obsessed with a uniform color scheme than the mouth-breathing Eagles fans who are preoccupied beyond measure for their beloved Kelly Green. Only this city could be head over heels for a fictional boxer and a color that hasn’t been used for decades.

This is where you should certainly draw a line in the sand, Jeffrey Lurie, the stupid color for the jerseys. Fight to bring them back as alternate uniforms, that’s ideally what you and the organization should be focusing on. The Eagles are .500 since the 2010 and haven’t won a playoff game since 2008…..BUT THEY’RE BRINGING BACK THE KELLY GREENS!

(more…)

Oblivious Nelson Agholor ‘can’t wait’ to mentor Alshon Jeffery, Torrey Smith
111915_nelson-agholor_1200

Team leader Nelson Agholor can’t wait to mentor Alshon Jeffery, Torrey Smith.

Philadelphia, PA – Nelson Agholor met with the media yesterday after news broke that the Eagles had signed wide receivers Alshon Jeffery and Torrey Smith and said he “couldn’t wait to mentor the new guys” when they arrived in the city.

When asked what he first thought of the signings when the news broke on social media, Agholor said he was excited to see the competition between Jeffery and Smith for the number two wide receiver spot on the team’s depth chart.

“Are you kidding me? Either of those guys would be perfect number twos on this team. One of them is going to have to settle for that third spot though, but it should be a hell of a competition. I can’t wait to open up the field for those guys,” Agholor said.

(more…)

Someone finally bought Chip Kelly’s house of the damned
c6luoauvuaenu7n

Locals tell of strange doings happening at this accursed homestead.

Well, some dang blasted fool finally did it. Didn’t listen to my warnings or the warnings of any of the other homesteads on this lovely, upper-middle class neighborhood. Lots of good, clean, hardworking folks around here and they aren’t in the habit of telling tall tales. Nawp, straight as an arrow these ones fly.

But they all told tales of horrendous doings at that ol’ Kelly shack. Awful things. Things that nobody should have to hear about. Rumors of things go around in this town about what that man did to those he cared about…the monitoring of their every move, the horrendous experiments to drain every ounce of productivity for their used up husks, then casting aside their decrepit, atrophied bodies once they were of no more value…makes me shudder to even think of it.

Can I interest you in some sweet tea? A Johnny Cake or two? Nawp? Suit yourself.

What dang burned fool finally brought the house? Don’t rightly reckon…Some city slicker, no doubt, decided they would scratch an itch that only life in the country could soothe. Plenty of other homes around here to play cowboy and farmer on the weekends when you unwind from your high-powered telebusiness position, or what have you.

But nobody listens. They never do. I’ve lived here since ought six and you’ll never catch me step a foot onto that property. Had a Holstein disappear for several days, believe it got lost in the Kelly compound, and that cow was never the same when it returned. It’s milk was rotten. Had to put her down with a ball peen hammer it got so ugly. Can’s imagine the horrors it saw.

(more…)

A comprehensive holiday gift guide for the Philadelphia sports fan in your life

happyholidays650I think I hear some reindeer hooves on the roof of my shanty in the woods and the delightful sound of latkas frying up in opossum lard on my hotplate, so you know what that means! It’s time for Christmas, or if you’re one of the chosen, time for Hanukah!

Yes, the holiday season is once again upon us all. I have to say, I hear the same two questions almost every year around this time:

  1. What should I get my spouse/friend/prison pen pal for the holidays? They’re a HUGE Philadelphia sports fan, can you please help me?!

2. Please untie me, I’m begging you, I have a family…what did I do to deserve this?

Well let me tell you, I can 100% help you find that perfect gift for that special Philadelphia sports fan in your life and NO I WILL NOT UNTIE YOU, KAREN, THIS IS HOW YOU’LL LEARN TO LOVE ME.

So here are some great ideas for that special person in your life that won’t break your holiday budget!

(more…)

Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

oldmanwinterHere’s the portion of this weekly column where we tell you that we suck at picking these games. We do. We really suck. At least last week we were able to predict that the Eagles would lose to the Redskins, but of course we thought they would cover. Fuck me running.

This week the Eagles (5-8) take on the Baltimore Ravens (7-6). Interesting note, I used to cover Evesham Township for a local newspaper and their mayor, Randy Brown, is a kicking specialist for the Ravens. He hooked me up with an interview with head coach John Harbaugh and he was AWESOME. He didn’t have to take time out of his schedule to field questions from a little shit dick paper in New Jersey during the season, but he did anyway.

I do hope my best friend John Harbaugh has a good weekend taking on this pathetic football team.

But you know what? It doesn’t matter what I think, but what our special guest picker of the week thinks. That being said, who is making our picks this week?

(more…)

Eagles employee who ordered Rocky theme played during crucial in-game moment hailed as hero

hqdefaultPhiladelphia, PA – The Redskins had just ripped off a killer touchdown to put the visiting team up 27-22 over the Eagles with less than two-minutes to play in yesterday’s NFC East clash. Even though the Redskins failed on their two-point conversion attempt, spirits were rock bottom in the stands and on the field for Philadelphia.

Something needed to be done. Someone needed to stand up and do what was right.

That person was Nancy McClain, a 10-year employee of the Eagles in-game entertainment division, who in a moment of absolute brilliance suggested dusting off the old Rocky soundtrack LP sitting in the corner of the PA booth and piping it through the speakers of Lincoln Financial Field.

(more…)