BREAKING NEWS

New Fletcher Cox contract demands leaked to public
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Should the Eagles give in to his new contract demands?

The star Philadelphia Eagles defensive lineman Fletcher Cox has made a point of not attending voluntary OTA workouts this off-season as continues to lobby the organization for a new, more lucrative contract.

The extraordinarily talented defensive lineman is still playing under his initial contract and certainly believes he has played himself into a newer, more expensive deal.

Cox has remained fairly silent throughout his holdout, but has published a number of Tweets that may allude to his disappointment with the team.

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Thrillist declares Philadelphia “Angriest City in America” and it infuriates me

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Something called Thrillist recently published an article ranking Philadelphia as the angriest city in America. 

First of all, Thrillist, how dare you rank this city as the angriest in America when Detroit is still within this country’s borders. They’re drinking lead. Straight lead. It would make anyone angry.

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Unhappy, overconfident Nick Foles skips OTAs after not getting in team carpool

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Los Angeles, Calif. – Quarterback Nick Foles is a no-show today at the beginning of Los Angeles Rams voluntary OTAs, after the four year veteran could not find a spot in the official team carpool to the stadium each day.

Foles said it was almost unconscionable that the unanimous starting quarterback for the Los Angeles Ram could be cast aside in such an embarrassing fashion.

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Carson Wentz learning offense quickly, reminds Doug Pederson he hasn’t assigned any homework yet
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Brown noser.

Philadelphia, PA – As the Eagles continue their OTA workouts after the holiday weekend, several analysts are lauding rookie quarterback Carson Wentz for his ability to pick up head coach Doug Pederson’s offense quicker than either quarterbacks Sam Bradford or Chase Daniel.

However, Wentz will not be winning any popularity contests with his teammates anytime soon, as the young quarterback is reportedly ruffling the feathers of a number of veterans on the team.

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Philadelphia police on high alert after Scottish Professional Football League announces potential match in city
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A Scottish diplomat on a recently diplomacy mission to England.

Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Police Department is taking the threat of a Scottish Professional Football League Match potentially being hosted at Lincoln Financial Field in early 2017 very seriously, city officials announced this morning.

Philadelphia Police Commissioner Charles H. Ramsey addressed the threat this morning at City Hall.

“Yes, we have confirmation that a Scottish football match may be held at Lincoln Financial Field at an unknown date in early 2017. I’d like to stress that our citizens remain calm and begin to stockpile alcohol as quickly as possible,” Ramsey said.

“Lord knows you won’t be able to find any when the time comes.”

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13-year-old at Scripps Spelling Bee enjoying moment, knows it’s all downhill from here

1024px-scripps_national_spelling_bee_logo-svgNational Harbor, Maryland – Jairam Hathwar, 13, a finalist at the 89th Scripps National Spelling Bee, said he would enjoy every moment at the Bee because, in all likelihood, everything would be downhill from here on out.

The fabulously talented speller noted that if he wins the competition he would likely enjoy a brief moment of elevated popularity at his school, but after a week or two most would forget about his national championship and go back to making fun of his choice of shoe wear or his lack of athletic ability.

“You better believe I took a few extra moments after I nailed ‘daguerreotype’ in the finals. If I make the championship round tonight I’ll definitely be going to some of the parties available to the spellers instead of going back to my hotel to study. I need to live this up right now, it won’t get better than this,” Hathwar told reporters.

Hathwar said life would most likely not be better than his participation in the spelling bee until at least college, when the majority of people around him didn’t know he participated in several national spelling bees.

At press time, Hathwar said he would likely be disappointed if he didn’t win the 2016 championship, but was looking forward to playing some “goddamn X-Box for a change” instead of studying spelling every hour of every day.

 

‘Oh run out the godamn ball, Odubel!’ screams man scamming his disability insurance company

usa-odubel-herrera-slide_0Philadelphia, PA – A local Philadelphia man reportedly screamed at his TV Monday evening after he noticed Philadelphia Phillies center fielder Odubel Herrera failed to run out a ground ball he hit to the pitcher in the 7th inning of a contest against the Detroit Tigers.

Tom Corello, 42, who is currently scamming his disability insurance company by claiming his perfectly healthy back is too injured to allow him to work, was irate that Herrera dogged it up the line late in the ballgame.

“Oh run out the godamn ball, Odubel! Play like a professional for Christ sake,” Corello said, as he strapped himself into a fake back brace he had recently purchased from a crooked medical supply company his friend Sal had told him about.

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Philadelphia City Council proposes Mike Missanelli tax
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The solution to Philadelphia’s budgetary problems?

Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia City Council and Mayor Jim Kenney announced a new tax proposal Tuesday night to help fill gaps in the 2017-2018 city budget.

After substantial blow back to a proposed sugary-drink tax, the council and Kenney proposed a Mike Missanelli douche-bag tax to fund city schools and promote healthy living as part of the mayor’s budget package.

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Lori Petty (aka Kit Keller) reads the Coggin Toboggan, sheds light on ‘League of their Own’ mystery
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The face of jealousy.

Yesterday I published a very thorough review of “A League of their Own” and the coaching decisions therein. In this post, I floated a theory that Dottie Hinson dropped the baseball during the climactic collision in the final inning of the championship game with her sister, Kit Keller, who had been traded earlier in the year.

Of COURSE she dropped it on purpose. Dottie was the best player in the league, was married to Bill Pullman, and was secure enough to quit after one season of dominating the All American Girls Professional Baseball League.

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Steve Weatherford asked to leave Planet Fitness after being determined unqualified for janitor position

An irate Steve Weatherford, the outspoken ex-Giants punter, took to social media last night to decry how he was treated by employees at a local Planet Fitness after he was asked to leave their establishment.

The ex-professional athlete, who was unceremoniously released by the New York Jets after just one game in 2015, criticized the gym franchise when he was asked to leave their premises after bombing a job interview.

The custodial position was determined to be too much for the dimwitted Weatherford, who then lashed out at the 21-year-old college senior who administered the interview.

“I’d like to apologize to you all for being such a savage at Planet Fitness,” the failed punter said. “I will never be back.”

He certainly will not be back as an employee, John Casteannos, manager of the location, told several members of the media.

“It was quite obvious Steve was not going to fit in with the Planet Fitness family. He had no experience with a mop wringer and tried to drink the Windex, asking us if he could ‘gank’ some of our Gatorade. He swigged a few gulps of it down before we could snatch it out of his hand,” Casteannos said.

“He became quite sick. It was kind of sad, really, but then he proclaimed us all to be ‘pussies,’ and that’s when we knew it just wouldn’t work out.”

At press time, Weatherford noted that he would never again attempt to work at Planet Fitness and asked if anyone had some spare change so he could take the bus home.