BREAKING NEWS

Steve Weatherford asked to leave Planet Fitness after being determined unqualified for janitor position

An irate Steve Weatherford, the outspoken ex-Giants punter, took to social media last night to decry how he was treated by employees at a local Planet Fitness after he was asked to leave their establishment.

The ex-professional athlete, who was unceremoniously released by the New York Jets after just one game in 2015, criticized the gym franchise when he was asked to leave their premises after bombing a job interview.

The custodial position was determined to be too much for the dimwitted Weatherford, who then lashed out at the 21-year-old college senior who administered the interview.

“I’d like to apologize to you all for being such a savage at Planet Fitness,” the failed punter said. “I will never be back.”

He certainly will not be back as an employee, John Casteannos, manager of the location, told several members of the media.

“It was quite obvious Steve was not going to fit in with the Planet Fitness family. He had no experience with a mop wringer and tried to drink the Windex, asking us if he could ‘gank’ some of our Gatorade. He swigged a few gulps of it down before we could snatch it out of his hand,” Casteannos said.

“He became quite sick. It was kind of sad, really, but then he proclaimed us all to be ‘pussies,’ and that’s when we knew it just wouldn’t work out.”

At press time, Weatherford noted that he would never again attempt to work at Planet Fitness and asked if anyone had some spare change so he could take the bus home.

 

Let’s talk about ‘A League of their Own’ and the worst in-game managing decision of all time
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What an absolute joke.

In between changing diapers of my two-month-old son and intermittent bouts of crying (mostly from me) I’ve been watching a ton of TV. IFC has played “A League of their Own” nonstop over the past week, and I’ve found myself watching chunks of it at a time to keep the nagging thoughts out my head that all new parents experience (such classics as: Why did I ever want a kid in the first place? Will he ever stop crying? Could I make it to the Canadian border before my wife notices that I’ve abandoned her? You know, harmless things like that).

It’s a great movie. The gals play some baseball, everyone has a grand old time, the Americans single handedly win World War II and the girls show that a sister’s love conquers all. Great stuff. The women come from cities near and far. There are Canadians, Irish ones and Swedes. They were all for one, and one for all, they’re all American.

Tom Hanks also plays a delightful, drop-dead drunk, who if we’re being real here, probably would have smacked a few of the women around for dropping fly balls, but Hollywood just wasn’t ready to go there yet. Thank you very much, Penny Marshall.

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Bryan Colangelo proclaims ‘The Process’ to be over, ‘The Procedure’ alive and well

colangelo_headshotPhiladelphia, PA – New 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo has officially proclaimed Sam Hinkie’s much maligned “Process” is now over and the franchise is ready to move on to the next chapter.

Colangleo then debuted “The Procedure,” a new plan to move the 76ers into the 21st century and into a new golden era of basketball that will see the city revel in carnal delights only few mortals have ever set out to obtain.

The Procedure, he explained, would bestow enlightenment, an all-knowing aura and elite rebounding abilities to only the truest believers in the organization.

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Tragedy strikes 97.5 Morning Show’s Meat Locker segment

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Philadelphia, PA – Tragedy befell the popular 97.5 FM Morning Show’s Meat Locker segment this morning, as host Anthony Gargano and special guest former Philadelphia Phillie Kevin Sefcik were accidentally locked in the sub zero studio and suffered varying degrees of hypothermia.

The popular segment, which sees Gargano and the 97.5 Morning Crew interview a former Philadelphia athlete from the past, is actually held in a real meat locker cooled down to -5 degrees Fahrenheit.

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Ben Simmons Scouting Report (by an intern confusing him with Bill Simmons)

ben_simmons-vresize-1200-675-high-10All eyes are on the Philadelphia 76ers for the upcoming 2016 NBA draft, as the beleaguered franchise finally caught a stroke of good luck when it was awarded the first overall pick earlier this week.

Many believe the race is down to two candidates, with Ben Simmons and Brandon Ingram being considered by the franchise. It seems to be an odd choice, as Ben “The Sports Guy” Simmons is well into his 40s and is a white male of average height.

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Philadelphia Soul to wear Figrin D’an jerseys in upcoming game
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The famed Figrin D’an of the Modal Nodes.

Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps taking a page out of the Reading Fightins book, the Philadelphia Soul are getting into the Star Wars craze and have announced they will don jerseys with a classic character from the beloved sci-fi franchise for an upcoming game.

The Soul will wear Figrin D’an jerseys against the Orlando Predators this Saturday, May 21.

Figrin D’an, as any fan of the series knows, is the lead Kloo Horn player and bandleader of the Modal Nodes. The Modal Nodes, of course, are the house band of the Mos Eisley Cantina and are known for their hit single “The Cantina Song,” which they perform on repeat for hours at a time.

The Soul are planning a night of festivities to honor the “most famous and well-known character of the Star Wars Franchise” during the special night.

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Bryan Colangelo trades #1 pick for sack of magic beans

colangelo_headshotPhiladelphia, PA – Bryan Colangelo, GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, was sent to bed without his supper Tuesday evening after the local dunce traded away the rights of the number one pick in the 2016 NBA draft for a sack of magic beans.

Jerry Colangelo, Bryan’s father, expressly forbade him to trade the number one pick and had only sent him to market to purchase him a bottle of Centrum Silver.

Instead, Bryan excitedly returned home with a sack of red beans that he had swapped to the Los Angeles Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak.

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Sam Hinkie releases statement after 76ers receive #1 pick
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God damnit

God damnit, mother fucking piece of shit. Eat shit, eat shit and die all of you, you fucking pieces of garbage. Fucking cunt licking, smelly asshole, no good mother fuckers that wouldn’t know a good deal if it bit you in your 2-inch dick.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IN MY ASS.

Crap on a cracker, cum on a cracker, cum and crap on a cracker shoved into those Colangelo fruitcake’s mouths. Incest ridden shit fuck of a family, run me out of town, you fuckwads. Fucking fuck fuck fuck me with a stick.

I hope everyone in that franchise dies a horrible, horrible death. Steamroller accidents, immolation from molten lead, tragic welding mishaps….the more painful and horrific for your families to endure the better.

Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt fucking cunt needle in your eyes shitdick mother fucking dick up your ass the Colangelo’s can suck my two-foot dick.

Hinkster out, bitches.

Scott O’Neil employs bold new ‘alienate the fan base’ strategy to strengthen franchise fan base

ap-sixers-scott-oneilPhiladelphia, PA – With the firing of GM Sam Hinkie and a desire to take the franchise to the next level, Chief Executive Officer Scott O’Neil has devised a bold new strategy to gain more fans of the beleaguered franchise.

For the past several days, O’Neil has gone out of his way to goad, embarrass, poke, and block the subset of fans on social media that have stood by the 76ers for the last three years that has seen a total of 47 wins.

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NBA officials reportedly concerned with Phantom of Sam Hinkie disrupting draft lottery

Hinkie PhantomNew York City, NY – Documents leaked to the media this morning have revealed that NBA officials are notably concerned that the Phantom of Sam Hinkie will attempt to disrupt the proceedings of the 2016 draft lottery, scheduled to be held tonight at approximately 8 p.m.

Hinkie, the disgraced former GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, was believed to have perished in a great fire in his home office the night his resignation letter to the franchise was published by numerous media outlets.

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