Philadelphia, PA – A tearful fan base watched forlornly as their favorite person in the whole world, their best friend, their buddy in arms, told them that he had taught them all they needed to know and it was time for him to leave.
“But why…was it something we did? We’ll be good, we promise! Please don’t leave us now, we just saw them win the 10th game of the season and the draft is coming up. Please, we love you,” a sobbing fan base told their pasty savior, as he looked down on them fondly.
Philadelphia, PA – With no NCAA tournament games scheduled for Monday, and during intermission between the first and second period of a pivotal Flyers game against the New York Islanders, the overwhelming majority of Philadelphia sports fan expressed their surprise that the Philadelphia 76ers 2015-2016 season had not yet concluded.
An entire city worth of sports fans, who clicked over to The Comcast Network to catch a repeat of Daily News Live, were shocked to see the 76ers in the middle of a third quarter bout against the Indiana Pacers.
Philadelphia, PA – Boston Celtics president Danny Ainge confirmed over the weekend that he participated in discussions with 76ers GM Sam Hinkie that would have brought Jahlil Okafor to Boston.
Ainge, however, said the 76ers asked for the “moon and the stars” in return for the young, promising center.
“They wanted no draft picks, no players, Sam asked for something much different. All Sam asked in return for Jahlil was a poem that he said ‘would fill his cold heart with the human spirit’ and make him feel the ‘warmth of the human spirit’ in a harsh world,” Ainge said.
A tortured soul.
Philadelphia, PA – Josh Harris summoned his closest advisors and 76ers scientists/technicians before deciding the time was right to order the thawing of cryogenically preserved Jerry Colangelo.
Harris decided the aged Colangelo’s wisdom was invaluable during this pivotal NBA trade deadline and would be worth the risk to go against the laws of nature and all that is considered Holy and dear to mankind to unfreeze the 76ers front office executive.
What is up tobogganites? By the time you read this I’ll either be sitting in an outpatient surgery center or drooling on myself in a propofol induced slumber as some quack doctor shoves an endoscope down my esophagus.
Now before you fret, know that my doctor told me that his initial diagnosis for me was “Wahhhh your tum tum hurts” so I’m not too worried about what he’s going to find.
Not a happy camper.
Atlanta, Ga – Following loss at the hands of the Atlanta Hawks, Brett Brown gave a less than glowing response to a reporter when asked if he would stick with starting point guard Kendall Marshall for Friday night’s matchup against the New York Knicks.
Brown wasn’t quite ready to declare a permanent starter at the point guard position just yet.
“Is that really what you’re worried about right now? Who our team’s starting point guard is going to be against the Knicks? Let me tell you I have a lot more to be worried about than who is going to be running the ship for this team. You could put a monkey out there and he’d at least be able to throw some of his shit around the court and create a distraction to give us a chance in one of these fucking games,” Brown said.
“Some asshole will be starting out there at the point for us this Friday, I can assure you that,” he said.
The head coach, perhaps letting some of his frustration shine through his comments, continued.
“Who even started for us tonight? Kendall Marshall? I don’t even know who he is! Nobody in this city does. Nobody knows who any of these morons are, and I’m trying to win ballgames out here. Maybe Sam Hinkie can use one of his 8,000 second round picks to get me a player who doesn’t commit 500 turnovers a night and can average us double digits,” Brown said.
“Lord help me if I have to play that McConnell kid anymore. Every man has a breaking limit.”
At press time, Brown named TJ McConnell as Friday’s starting point guard as the 76ers traded remaining point guards Marshall and Tony Wroten for a pair of 2nd round picks.
A lone figure stands, weeping, on the edge of the Ben Franklin Bridge on a dark and cold December night in Philadelphia. He looks down into the dark abyss as the wind and snow whips his Gucci suit around his pasty body. Wiping away tears, Sam Hinkie, GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, loosened his grip on the bridge cables, ready to make one last final plunge into the Delaware River.
“What are you doing there friend?” A voice says from the sidewalk. Hinkie looks down and sees a kindly old man wearing a cotton winter coat and fedora, looking up at him with a strange smile on his face.
“I’m….not that it’s any of your business, but I’m going to end it all. This world doesn’t need me, this city doesn’t need me. The fans hate me, the NBA made the organization hire someone that is going to take away all my power, my process isn’t going to last…everyone….everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here! If I had never been in any of their lives,” Hinkie said, crying again.
Philadelphia, PA – 76ers staff and executive had to forcibly break the door down of Sam Hinkie’s office Thursday evening, as the general manager reportedly tried to trade several members of the current roster for next to nothing.
Behind the barricaded door to his office, 76ers executives could hear Hinkie having a discussion with the Los Angeles Lakers that would have sent Jahlil Okafor to the west coast for Nick Young and a second round pick in return.
Hinkie is reportedly “not pleased” with the hiring of Jerry Colangelo, as several pundits think the move to bring on Colangelo will signal the end of Hinkie’s employment with the Sixers.
Full of vim and vigor.
Philadelphia, PA – Jerry Colangelo, the new Chairman of Basketball Operations for the Philadelphia 76ers, announced he will take great care in turning around the franchise that has been the subject of heavy criticism around the league.
Colangelo also announced he would take a three-hour nap from noon to 3 p.m., enjoy a lovely early-bird dinner at 4 p.m., and be ready for half-an-hour of work before calling it a night at 5:30 p.m.
Lomax (center) has signed a one-year deal with the 76ers.
The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.
Having been granted a 16th roster spot for the year, the Philadelphia 76ers have rounded out their squad with a fresh, young, and hilarious new talent that will surely entertain generations to come.
The 76ers announced they have signed Bernie Lomax and his two assistants, Larry Wilson and Richard Parker, to a one-year deal.
Lomax reportedly kept Hinkie in stitches during their meeting with his fun loving attitude and humorous adventures.
Let’s go to the tale of the tape to see just how Bernie may help the team this year.
The Coggin Toboggan 