Sam Bradford

Chip Kelly: Bradford right on track for week 3 injured reserve appearance

Philadelphia, PA – Pleased at Sam Bradford’s progress in OTAs so far, Chip Kelly told media at the conclusion of practice today that Sam Bradford is “right on track to be placed on injured reserve by week three.”

“Sam is hobbling around out there like he’s really got something to prove. I’m not one for making predictions, but he may even be on the IR by week two if he keeps on progressing,” he said.

Bradford participated in several drills yesterday afternoon, throwing to receivers in 7 on 7 sets, grimacing and clutching his shoulder after every throw longer than five yards.

(more…)

Sam Bradford wows during iron lung drills at Philadelphia Eagles OTAs

Sam Bradford, in happier and healthier times.

Philadelphia, PA – Eagles teammates were buzzing at the completion of OTAs yesterday, everyone wanting to talk about the new Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford and his performance at the NovaCare Complex this week.

Described as being in “mid-season” form, Bradford reportedly spent most of the week encased in an iron lung, struggling to breathe as team physicians and a team priest huddled around him, monitoring the frail 27-year-old athlete.

(more…)

NFL: Pope Francis visit to Philadelphia altered Eagles schedule

Philadelphia, PA – As the NFL schedule for the Philadelphia Eagles was released yesterday, an interesting wrinkle faced by the schedulers was revealed this morning. The Eagles 2015-2016 schedule was directly altered by Pope Francis’ visit to the city of brotherly love in September, as the leader of the Christian world declared there was “absolutely no way” he would be in the same city as the New York Jets during his worldwide tour.

Philadelphia Cardinal Justin Francis Rigali sent the NFL a letter, respectfully asking the Eagles not play a home game during week 3 of the season during the Pope’s visit.

“There is enough suffering in the world that I have to see and attend to when I’m traveling, I don’t need my mood darkened by a third rate NFL team in my presence,” Pope Francis said in a letter to the NFL earlier this year.

Citing their lack of an NFL caliber quarterback, two washed up running backs and the “insanity of bringing back Revis,” Pope Francis declared the Jets to be an absolute train wreck.

In addition to the Jets not being allowed in Philadelphia during his presence, Pope Francis also asked that several other people and organizations not be in the city during his visit:

– “Please remove Howard Eskin from the city confines during my trip. I don’t need to hear his nonsense on the radio or even on Twitter.”

– “The less I see of Ruben Amaro Jr., the better, believe me.”

– “Sam Bradford may stay, but please tell him to stop sending me letters to heal his ailments. There’s only so much I can do during my trip.”

As of press time, Howard Eskin and 55 of his fur coats were dumped over Philadelphia city lines by Philadelphia Police and told not to come back until October.

Rumor: Eagles planning a blockbuster trade with St. Louis Rams

Young hotshot quarterback Nick Foles is apparently on the Eagles radar.

Philadelphia, PA – In an off season with a number of controversial moves and signings, rumor has it the Philadelphia Eagles are planning on trying to complete a blockbuster trade with the St. Louis Rams.

Sources are telling the Coggin that the Eagles are planning to trade Sam Bradford to the Cleveland Browns for their first round pick, and then package their first round pick and ship both to the St. Louis Rams for quarterback Nick Foles.

“Word has it that Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly loves the kid….he’d do anything to get Foles. I’ve never seen him higher on another quarterback,” An anonymous source told the Coggin.

Chip Kelly did not confirm or deny the reports, but he did give a wink to a reporter when asked the question.

It would be a stunning turn of events, as the Eagles would position themselves to acquire a potential franchise quarterback to build their organization around for years to come. It would come at a high cost, but if one is to believe Kelly’s game plan, a quarterback like Foles is someone you can’t undervalue.

As of press time, Kelly was also make inquiries to the Buffalo Bills as to the availability of young running back Lesean McCoy. He was rumored to have offered the Eagles 2016 first round pick and inside linebacker Kiko Alonso.

Breaking: Everything on Miles Austin

Philadelphia, PA – Oft injured wide receiver Miles Austin was scheduled to visit the Eagles brass this afternoon as part of a potential signing. However, he never even made it on the plane, as he tore both hamstrings after he stepped on the tarmac.

As he writhed on the tarmac, he was accidentally run over by a distracted airline employee driving a luggage truck to a departing flight. Austin apparently suffered snapped ulnas in both arms as he tried to shield himself from the oncoming vehicle.

Austin was also doused with 65 gallons of human excrement as a nearby plane accidentally released its latrine containers on the runway.

An employee described the scene as “humorous” in a “human misery type of way.” Emergency responders could only attempt to stifle chuckles as they scraped Austin off of the tarmac.

Upon hearing the news, Sam Bradford promptly dislocated both elbows and fell down a 55 foot flight of stairs.

Chip Kelly strongly hinting at rentals instead of ownership to Sam Bradford

Don’t get too comfortable, Sam.

Philadelphia, PA – Citing the strength of the Philadelphia apartment rental scene in the city as of late, Chip Kelly has been dropping hints to Sam Bradford since acquiring the 27-year-old quarterback last week that home ownership may not be a wise investment at this point in his career.

(more…)

Stephen A. Smith: These are the moves of someone who is not, NOT a racist

Stephen A. Smith looking his best on ESPN First Take.

Philadelphia, PA – Continuing a three day tirade against Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly, Stephen A. Smith tripled down today on his “entertaining” First Take show on ESPN 9. Smith had several harsh words for the trade the Eagles completed, bringing in Sam Bradford for Nick Foles and a bevy of picks.

“Are these the moves that a man who isn’t a bigot would make? ARE THEY?!” Smith screamed at co-host Skip Bayless, spraying flicks of spittle on his face.

“Where’s the brother involved in this deal? Why does he never trade for a black man? If this were the 1950s he’d be manning the hoses as he washed all of the African Americans out of that locker room,” he screamed into the camera.

“But don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying anything, you just have to read between the lines with me. I’m subtle like that, isn’t that right Skip?” Smith said, somehow still yelling during a calm moment of the show.

Bayless tried to answer Smith, but couldn’t be heard over the loud boos raining down on him from outside of the studio.

“I know Philadelphia. I love Philadelphia, and Philly loves me,” Smith said, despite the fact that he is abhorred by the majority of sports fans in the city, who wouldn’t slow down on the street to help him up if he fell and broke his hip. “I speak for the city, and man, they are not happy with this old guard, deep south fool.”

Bayless cackled along with Smith, nodding his head vigorously.

“I even have a source telling me that Kelly put an order down recently for at least five purebred German shepherds. You know who loves those dogs. But I’m not saying anything, I’m not,” He said, winking at the camera as he pointed to a Confederate flag.

Smith wrapped up the segment and immediately had his contract re-upped by ESPN for another 10 years.

Philadelphia put on 24-hour suicide watch

RIP.

Philadelphia, PA – Following a day that saw Nick Foles and several draft picks traded for oft-injured quarterback Sam Bradford, the city of Philadelphia has been placed on a 24-hour suicide watch.

“We feel that with everything going on with the Eagles right now, this measure must be taken,” Mayor Michael Nutter said. “Calls have flooded into city hall since last night, detailing instances of city sports fan feeling depressed and not knowing if it’s worth going on.”

As such, city residents have had their shoelaces confiscated and their bed sheets removed to make sure no hangings take place in the next 24 hours.

BREAKING NEWS:

The suicide watch has since been expanded to 72 hours after the news that Ryan Mathews was signed by the Eagles this morning and former Gov. Ed Rendell was found dead in his home from a shotgun blast to the head.

Sam Bradford tears both ACLs and dislocates elbow answering his cell phone

Sam Bradford in his natural state.

St. Louis, MO – Hustling to answer his ringing cell phone yesterday, newly acquired quarterback bumped into a footstool and simultaneously tore both ACLs in his knees.

As he tumbled to the floor, the 27 year old quarterback gruesomely dislocated the elbow of his throwing arm, the joint bending in the wrong direction at a 90 degree angle.

(more…)

Editor’s Note: It’s safe to assume Chip Kelly has a brain disease

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Just awful. I think I’d be happier if it had been confirmed that Chip Kelly was a racist instead of the move he just made.

Chip Kelly has gone insane. INSANE. Really not a lot to say anymore. This move was the move of a syphilitic brained man who has too much power and nobody to keep him in check.

Chip Kelly is now the the John E. DuPont of the NFL. He has slowly descended into madness, until one day for no reason he decides to take a ride in his car and pull up to both Lesean McCoy and Nick Foles to shoot them both in the stomach.

Do you have a problem with me?! ::shoots both Foles and McCoy::

Sam Bradford and a 2nd round pick for Nick Foles. Bradford hasn’t played in a game since 2013. His best season saw him throw 21 touchdown passes (when he had two healthy knees). He’s not mobile and won’t be gaining any mobility coming off a second knee surgery.

Nick Foles never played a game last season where he started behind an intact offensive line, yet still went 6-2.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?