Oh good lord, what have I done?
Aspen, Colo. – Having gone through an entire last week of wedding preparations under the “probable” tag, Eagles quarterback and about to be newlywed Sam Bradford has been downgraded to “doubtful” this morning, according to his best man.
Sam, who last said he was very confident about his upcoming performance at today’s wedding to fiance Emma Lavy, reportedly had a debilitating panic attack this morning in front of his groomsmen and best man.
Brown noser.
Philadelphia, PA – As the Eagles continue their OTA workouts after the holiday weekend, several analysts are lauding rookie quarterback Carson Wentz for his ability to pick up head coach Doug Pederson’s offense quicker than either quarterbacks Sam Bradford or Chase Daniel.
However, Wentz will not be winning any popularity contests with his teammates anytime soon, as the young quarterback is reportedly ruffling the feathers of a number of veterans on the team.
Philadelphia, PA – Day two of Sam Bradford returning to practice with the Philadelphia Eagles resulted in much of the same as day one, with the temperamental quarterback openly pouting in the locker room and loudly having cell phone conversations with his “besties” well within earshot of his teammates.
The quarterback didn’t openly complain about how he was treated to his teammates or the front office, but could be heard grumbling to himself as the team ran through drills that “nobody cares” about “what I want” out of this situation.
Philadelphia, PA – Optimism ran high at the Eagles voluntary workouts Monday morning, as franchise quarterback Sam Bradford returned to the facility to practice with his teammates after missing a week of workouts when he demanded to be traded.
However, the high spirits were quickly diminished as Bradford didn’t speak to a single one of his teammates and turned his back on questions from head coach Doug Pederson about how he was doing.
Philadelphia, PA – Noting that he had nothing to do today and it being Cinco De Mayo, Sam Bradford reportedly imbibed a half bottle of Zima he found in the back of his pantry and “got a little wild” on the Americanized holiday.
The Eagles quarterback, who is not participating in voluntary workouts, was puttering around his Haddonfield home Thursday morning when he came upon the bottle of Zima as he was cleaning out his pantry.
Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps after seeing a group of Sixers fan purchase a billboard in support of ousted GM Sam Hinkie, the remaining Eagles fans in the city collected enough money to purchase an advertisement in support of their beleaguered hero.
The group, who have dubbed themselves “Sam’s Slingers,” successfully raised $15.67 from its collective members, enough for a supportive ad for Bradford to be displayed on the side of a dumpster in an alleyway on Market Street.
Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps after digesting the news that the Philadelphia Eagles had traded for the second overall pick in this Thursday’s NFL draft, Sam Bradford reported to the organization that he was likely to take his ball and go home if the franchise selected another quarterback.
Stating that the Eagles front office had “pinkie swore” and Mr. Roseman had “promised” that he would be the starting quarterback next year, the under .500 quarterback who has never won a playoff game in his five-year career threatened to “never play for this stupid town ever, ever again” if not allowed to play quarterback for the 2016 season.
Roseman broke the news of the blockbuster trade to the roster before it was made public.
Philadelphia, PA – Howie Roseman addressed the entirety of the Eagles roster earlier today moments before he revealed the organizations decision to trade up for Cleveland’s second overall pick in the 2016 NFL Draft.
According to several reports, Roseman called the roster together and addressed them about the transaction.
“Today we felt we had received an offer from the Browns that was too good to pass up. We gave away several draft picks this year and several more in the year’s to come. Obviously this will definitely mean some changes to our roster,” Roseman said.
Sam Bradford file photo.
Philadelphia, PA – Horrified Eagles front office representatives could only look on helplessly as a crippled but determined Sam Bradford dragged himself across the floor of a conference room to his unsigned contract Tuesday afternoon at a signing event that went disturbingly wrong.
According to sources the meeting began well, as Bradford came to the signing with his agent, Tom Condon. Handshakes and pleasantries were exchanged, but young athlete started to act strangely after just five minutes of his arrival.
Ol’ Bobby Hoying knows how to have a hell of a night out on the town.
Philadelphia, PA – Last seen over a year ago after he welched on a $10,000 bet at the 2015 Wing Bowl, former Eagles quarterback Bobby Hoying made an unscheduled appearance on Philly Sports Talk Live and denounced the possibility of the Eagles re-signing that “pantywaist.”
Hoying barged onto the set during the 5:30 p.m. hour on Monday afternoon, demanding to speak on air about that “big old pussy” Sam Bradford. Hoying made Marcus Hayes give up his seat so he could sit next to host Michael Barkann, forcing him to sit on the floor for the remainder of the 10 minute segment.
The Coggin Toboggan 