Philadelphia, PA – It’s an exciting night for Philadelphia, as weeks of tension and debate have led to this moment and this event that will undoubtedly leave thousands of rabid Philadelphia fans on the edge of their seats, clutching their remotes and hanging on every word.
There are a number of different scenarios that could happen tonight, so why don’t we take a moment to just run over some things that have happened in the past weeks and see where we could all end up?
Shit! We’re going to blow this, aren’t we?
Philadelphia, PA – A panicked Chip Kelly burst into the NovaCare Center Tuesday morning, hundreds of pages of print outs slipping from his hands as he sprinted into his office, screaming at his top officials to meet him in Conference Room A in five minutes.
“We spaced, we fucked spaced on the draft this week!” Kelly screamed, as he slammed hastily printed NFL draft cheat sheets from Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay onto the table in front of several nervous front office executives. “How did we do this? We had one thing to do for the rest of the offseason, one thing, and we completely forgot about it. Please someone tell me that they saw some of the college bowl games…god we are so fucked!”
Kelly glared at Ed Marynowitz, the newest front office member, before throwing a pile of loose leaf paper at him.
“I swiped these from that lump Michael Barkann when I saw him on the subway this morning. Four eyes, scour through those and see if he has any insights on players who declared for the draft. Did Winston declare? Did Mariota? We need to figure this out!”
Kelly lifted his hands to the heavens and shook his fists angrily at God before falling back into a swiveling chair, covering his eyes.
“We cannot fuck this up. These people will kill me. These fans….shit….these fans will not let me forget it if I mess this up. Do we go defense first? Offense first? Should we make a trade? Where are we drafting, 19 right? Or is it 20? Someone sign us up for ESPN Insider, I need answers.”
As of press time, Kelly was holding an impromptu press conference where he was reportedly blaming the debacle on Howie Roseman, who had been demoted to Head of Ticket Sales.
It’s outrageous that I not have access to team showers.
Philadelphia, PA – Citing his frustration at the new Eagles front office regime, Les Bowen took to Twitter yesterday and publicly voiced his opinion on how much more difficult it is to cover the players’ showers after games and public functions under Chip Kelly’s leadership.
Bowen was furious the organization did not allow him access to the team’s shower after a Wednesday afternoon community service event, where several players on the team roster had constructed a playground for Philadelphia children.
“Just another example of how truly frustrating it is to try and do my job,” Bowen said on Twitter.
“How can I do my job properly if I can’t speak to Connor Barwin while he’s soaping his biceps and lower back after a sweaty day’s work?” Bowen tweeted, continuing his rant on the public media forum.
The Daily News beat writer lashed out at several of his followers as they questioned his need to actually attend the group showers to effectively write about the team and its chances for next year.
“If you know of a better way to cover this team where I’m not naked and wet with the players, I’d like to hear it,” he posted.
Bowen then posted several images on his Twitter feed from his showers with several players on the roster from year’s past.
“I need to be able to cover this team to the best of my ability. If that doesn’t involve Matt Barkley scrubbing my back, then I can’t do my job.”
Jesus Chris, savior, strong safety.
Philadelphia, PA – Citing a need for a fourth string quarterback and a new savior, the Philadelphia Eagles announced yesterday the signing of Tim Tebow, a free agent, and Jesus H. Christ, the son of God, to one-year deals.
“We like the versatility of what Tim can give us at the quarterback position. We can easily run a spread option or bootleg him out, we like that about him,” Head Coach Chip Kelly said. “And Jesus really gives us an extra edge. He’s tall, lean, and quick. If we can get him out of those sandals and into a pair of cleats we think he can really help us in the secondary.”
The pair was a package deal, Kelly said, as Christ said he would only sign if Tebow were included in the deal as well.
Tebow worked out with the Eagles two months ago and was left unsigned, but when Jesus Christ said he would join the team if they brought Tebow on, the Eagles jumped at the chance.
“He’s light on his feet, you know that, how else would he have walked on water. That’s a huge plus,” Kelly said. “He’ll be a big plus in the commissary as well. If we ever run low on bread or fish after practices, we’ll know where to go.”
Some guy.
Tebow and Christ, lifelong friends, approached the Eagles with their plan over the weekend. While Tebow is expected to struggle to make the team next season, Christ will jump right into the start secondary, with many scouts predicting he’ll be one of two starting safeties next year.
Some scouts wondered about Jesus’s maturity, as reports have come out in past years about some trouble he had with money changers at a nearby temple.
Despite the risks, Kelly said the Eagles were lucky to sign Jesus, and to a lesser extent, Tebow.
“Would we rather have just Jesus? Yes, I won’t lie, but we’re glad to have both,” Kelly said. “Besides, he’s a great guy to talk too. He’s helped a few guys out so far and he’s just a great clubhouse leader.”
BREAKING NEWS:
As of press time, the Eagles were apparently close to a deal with John the Baptist to fill a wide receiver role and to fill in as part time water boy.
The Coggin has been flooded with reports today in regards to the alleged rumor of the dustup between head coach Chip Kelly and traded running back Lesean McCoy. The following is a reenactment between the two around week 12 of last season. Lets watch, shall we?
Damn coach, too many sprints today at practice, you’ve got to be shitting me.
Did you just say you want to be hitting me, Shady?!
Wait, what? No, no coach I said you’re got to be shitting me, shitting me. Not hitting. Man get off my back.
Smack? Did you just say get off my smack? You’re a big boy, Shady, you know what you said. Tell me what you fucking said.
…….
……..
…….
Ahhhhhhhh I’m just messing with you Shady! I had you for a second, I have to say, I think you’d fold under questioning ::turns to Howie Roseman:: I can’t wait to trade that piece of garbage to Buffalo.
The End
Young hotshot quarterback Nick Foles is apparently on the Eagles radar.
Philadelphia, PA – In an off season with a number of controversial moves and signings, rumor has it the Philadelphia Eagles are planning on trying to complete a blockbuster trade with the St. Louis Rams.
Sources are telling the Coggin that the Eagles are planning to trade Sam Bradford to the Cleveland Browns for their first round pick, and then package their first round pick and ship both to the St. Louis Rams for quarterback Nick Foles.
“Word has it that Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly loves the kid….he’d do anything to get Foles. I’ve never seen him higher on another quarterback,” An anonymous source told the Coggin.
Chip Kelly did not confirm or deny the reports, but he did give a wink to a reporter when asked the question.
It would be a stunning turn of events, as the Eagles would position themselves to acquire a potential franchise quarterback to build their organization around for years to come. It would come at a high cost, but if one is to believe Kelly’s game plan, a quarterback like Foles is someone you can’t undervalue.
As of press time, Kelly was also make inquiries to the Buffalo Bills as to the availability of young running back Lesean McCoy. He was rumored to have offered the Eagles 2016 first round pick and inside linebacker Kiko Alonso.
Philadelphia, PA – After being transported from emergency surgery for a torn hamstring and two snapped ulnas, Miles Austin made it to Philadelphia and promptly failed a physical to join the Eagles food craft service.
Austin was brought in to fill the void created when Susie Gold retired from her longtime post at the hotdog stand in the main atrium of the stadium. It was found after a lengthy examination by team doctors that Austin could not be expected to withstand the rigors of 8 days of employment during the upcoming season.
“We found Mr. Austin could not remain standing in an upright position for 30 consecutive minutes and failed several tests to bring down a bag of hotdog buns from a supply shelf two feet over his head,” said Peter F. DeLuca, head orthopaedic surgeon for the Philadelphia Eagles. “He suffered from large spans of vertigo and asked where he was several times during the interview process.”
The deal would have brought him in to serve hotdogs for each home game at a rate of $7 per hour.
Despite failing the physical, Austin said he would not quit his dream to get back into football at any capacity.
As of press time, Austin was hit by a hot dog bun delivery truck as he left the stadium.
Philadelphia, PA – Oft injured wide receiver Miles Austin was scheduled to visit the Eagles brass this afternoon as part of a potential signing. However, he never even made it on the plane, as he tore both hamstrings after he stepped on the tarmac.
As he writhed on the tarmac, he was accidentally run over by a distracted airline employee driving a luggage truck to a departing flight. Austin apparently suffered snapped ulnas in both arms as he tried to shield himself from the oncoming vehicle.
Austin was also doused with 65 gallons of human excrement as a nearby plane accidentally released its latrine containers on the runway.
An employee described the scene as “humorous” in a “human misery type of way.” Emergency responders could only attempt to stifle chuckles as they scraped Austin off of the tarmac.
Upon hearing the news, Sam Bradford promptly dislocated both elbows and fell down a 55 foot flight of stairs.
Looking a little woozy, ehh Marcus?
Philadelphia, PA – Following the abrupt retirement of San Francisco rookie linebacker Chris Borland, Chip Kelly reportedly contacted Marcus Smith yesterday afternoon to advise the second year linebacker to “think things over” and “to put his health above everything else.”
“You don’t know what’s going to happen, Marcus. Anything can happen in this crazy game and I really think you need to think of your family and friends. Take a long, hard look at your career, I’d hate to see you make a mistake,” Kelly said, reportedly with an arm around Smith as the two walked down the Novacare Center.
Smith was visibly confused at Kelly’s request, as the slightly-used and disappointing rookie was perfectly healthy at the end of last season and had suffered no setbacks whatsoever during the off season.
Kelly remarked that Smith was walking with a visible limp, despite the rookie walking with a perfectly fine gait.
“How are those knees? I see you’re wobbling a bit there, maybe some post concussion symptoms that may still be lingering around from the season?” Kelly asked, despite Smith having suffered no concussions this past year. “Just think it over big guy. I respect you way too much to put you out on that field when your health is suffering like this.”
As of press time, Kelly was diagnosing Smith with chronic traumatic encephalopathy and was drafting up his retirement papers and forging his signature.
Don’t get too comfortable, Sam.
Philadelphia, PA – Citing the strength of the Philadelphia apartment rental scene in the city as of late, Chip Kelly has been dropping hints to Sam Bradford since acquiring the 27-year-old quarterback last week that home ownership may not be a wise investment at this point in his career.
The Coggin Toboggan 