Philadelphia 76ers

Bryan Colangelo to Michael Barkann: “Are you a doctor now? Am I the GM now? Where am I?”

041016_bryan-colangelo_120076ers general manager Bryan Colangelo appeared to get a little testy yesterday with Comcast SportsNet Philly Sports Talk host Michael Barkann when fielding questions about Joel Embiid’s health.

The high-collared dullard soured after Barkann asked him if he felt it was necessary for the start 76ers center to undergo surgery on his ailing knee and be shut down for the rest of the year.

“Are you a doctor now? With all due respect, medical injuries are injuries that require care and attention. Am I the GM now? Where am I? What am I doing here? How did I get here?” Colangelo thoughtfully added.

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“Ben Simmons is fine,” Bryan Colangelo says as doctors work to amputate Simmons’ foot

20160505_colangelo_article2Philadelphia, PA – Bryan Colangelo spoke to media this morning at Jefferson University Hospital after reports had leaked out of the 76ers franchise claiming that Ben Simmons’ broken foot had been healing slower than expected.

Colangelo, who has come under fire this week for his tendency to be less than forthcoming about injury news, said Ben Simmons was “just fine” and he didn’t know what the tortured screams coming from the hospital’s operating room were about.

Colangelo excused himself for a moment to “take a phone call” as he ducked into the suddenly very busy operating theater.

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Jerry Colangelo attempts to wake up Bryan for third time this afternoon
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You have to be kidding me with this fucking kid.

Philadelphia, PA – An increasingly frustrated Jerry Colangelo entered his son Bryan Colangelo’s bedroom for the third time this afternoon, throwing the racecar bed sheets off of the slumbering 76ers GM in an attempt to rouse his son to greet the day.

“Let’s go, it’s 1:30 p.m., up and at them. There are deals to be made today, Bry Bry. Serge Ibaka was traded to the Raptors this morning, so you can cross them off the list of potential landing spots for Jahlil,” Jerry said, the level of annoyance raising in his voice as Bryan pulled the pillow back over his head in attempt to keep the sunlight out of his eyes.

The elder Colangelo sat on the edge of Bryan’s bed and patted him gently on his side.

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The time a drunk 76ers fan demanded Matt Geiger punch Keith Van Horn in the face…and he did it
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You are one ugly motherfucker.

Back in 1999 I saw Matt Geiger viciously elbow Keith Van Horn in the face at the behest of a pair of drunkards at the First Union Center.

Let me back up. The year was 1999. I was 17 and the weight of the world had yet to completely crush my spirit. The 76ers were a few years away from being relevant, but they were entertaining and the seeds had been planted for greatness. Allen Iverson was crossing up Jordan, the country was prosperous and led by an adulterer instead of a dunce, and my buddy’s dad had bought lower level season tickets for 1998-1999 for no reason whatsoever.

Seriously, I think he went to like, maybe 4 games that entire season. So who took up the slack? Yours truly. What a time to be alive.

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Jahlil Okafor demands trade by end of the day before the snow

usa-today-8947756-0Philadelphia, PA – Jahlil Okafor has broken his silence on the swirling trade rumors that have surrounded him for the past several days. Okafor spoke up this morning up about his desire to be traded before the region is covered in several inches of snow.

The talented offensive center made a public statement this morning to the media, demanding to be traded by the end of the day.

“If you think I’m shoveling this shit tomorrow you’ve got another thing coming. Trade me now, get me a ticket out of town, let’s go. Chip chop chip,” Okafor said.

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Trump spends inauguration praising decision to keep Joel Embiid out of NBA all-star game
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Trump on his inauguration day.

Washington, DC – Donald Trump’s presidency has already started off on a controversial foot, as the president-elect spent an inordinate amount of time during the ceremony and Oath of Office praising the decision to keep the 76ers talented, young center Joel Embiid off of the Eastern Conference’s all-star roster.

Trump ensured an awkward beginning to his term during the Oath of Office, when he decided it necessary to tack on a comment to end of the sacred oath.

“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, and to uphold the will of the people to keep Joel Embiid out of the 2017 NBA All-Star game,” Trump said, as a murmur spread through the near 800,000 witnesses to the inauguration.

His comment was forgotten quickly, however, as those in attendance believed they misheard the 45th President’s comments.

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It’s starting to come together Pepper…it’s starting to come together
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Pep!

Well…is this it, 76ers fans? Is it starting to come together, Pepper? IS IT STARTING TO COME TOGETHER?

Are we getting too far ahead of ourselves? I can’t remember the last time I jumped off of my couch and fist pumped at the end of a 76ers game…

Are 76ers fans setting themselves up for a disappointment? This is just lightning in a bottle, right? They’re not…actually….good are they?

We all remember the movie “Major League,” right? Coach Lou Brown, the grizzled coach of the Cleveland Indians who had to seriously debate leaving his job as a tire salesman before taking the position, bellowed out the headline of this article to his bench coach Pepper after the lowly Indians swept their first series of the season against a mediocre team.

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Why is the Denver Nuggets’ court an homage to the Soviet Union?

What the fuck, Denver? Last I checked we lived in America. What in god’s name is up with your home court?

I know an old-fashioned hammer and sickle when I sees it. I’M ON TO YOU. Do you make your fans wait in week long lines for bread at halftime, you pinko commie STOOLIES.

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Sam Hinkie had The Process, Bryan Colangelo has The Procedure

041016_bryan-colangelo_1200I’m sick of dunderheaded Bryan Colangelo face fucking his way through the 2016-2017 76ers season. Everything that’s good about this year (Embiid, Saric….ummm….that’s about it) has been due to previous GM Sam Hinkie and everything awful about this year (Gerald Henderson, the Noel disaster, the slippery floor, the announcement coming in the next few weeks that Ben Simmons won’t play this year, Jahlil Okafor, the Eagles poor season, the Flyers Shea Weber trade falling through) has been because of shit dick Colangelo and his father’s withered old man balls resting on his son’s shoulders as a constant reminder of his presence.

Also, apropos of nothing, why don’t you spell your name with an “I” like a regular person? God you suck.

Sam Hinkie had The Process, which netted this team a glut of lottery picks, a potential franchise changing player in Embiid and another first round pick next year from the Lakers.

Bryan Colangelo has, what we’ve dubbed at the Toboggan, The Procedure, which has netted us nothing but high blood pressure and increased chances of having a stroke in the next 10 years.

What is The Procedure, you ask? Well, why don’t we explain it using tweets from Colangelo’s meeting with the media today, shall we?

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Bryan Colangelo: Nerlens Noel will be a made man and start at center this week
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Nerlens Noel coming to the 76ers morning shoot around with 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo. The 76ers announced Noel would be a made man this week. (photo credit: @crimjimmegan)

Philadelphia, PA – An excited Nerlens Noel put on his best three piece suit and eagerly got into Bryan Colangelo’s 1969 white Cadillac Coupe Deville to attend the 76ers morning shoot around, his first since the news broke that the organization had decided to make him a made man and start him for the first time this season.

“This must bring you back to when you were made,” Nerlens said to Colangelo, who shrugged and smiled from the back seat.

“Oh that was a long time ago,” he said, as he instructed the driver to pull up to the side entrance of the 76ers Training Complex in Camden.

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