Eagles

Colin Cowherd announces he will be at Sunday’s Eagles game. What should be done?

Well well well, look at what we have here. Human ventriloquist dummy Colin Cowherd announced today on Twitter (if he’s not lying, which he most likely is) he will be in attendance at Sunday’s Eagles game, sitting somewhere in section 217.

The proof, as the famous saying goes, is in the Twitter of the plastic-faced, ratings hungry dullard:

I’m SURE he’s lying and will not actually be at the game Sunday. Would you show up in front of 40,000 rabid Philadelphians who have been drinking in the Jetro lots since 5 a.m., just a mere 6 days since you spouted out this nonsense:

But if he is…what should be done about it? What wrath shall be brought down upon one of the most hated talking heads in America?

I hesitate to suggest this course of action because of its…well….intense nature, but should we really be sympathetic when it comes to Cowherd? Doesn’t he deserve to be put in his place and finally pay the price for all of foul and vile statements he has made in the past?

I think so, but this suggestion is akin to dropping a nuclear bomb. It will bring about victory, but at what cost? What destruction will be wrought from our victory? Do we need to ruin a man’s life over something said on a poorly rated and low viewed radio/television show?

Yes. Yes we do.

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Should Doug Pederson be criticized for not getting his best offensive option more involved?

The best coaches in the NFL play to their players’ strengths and hide their players’ weaknesses. A coach doesn’t mold his team in his vision, but he molds his vision to his team.

A coach like Bill Belichick sees what his players do well, puts them in a position that plays to their strengths, and limits their exposure to hide their deficiencies.

It’s an indomitable fact. This is what successful coaches do and how good teams win. So, why is Doug Pederson refusing to showcase the best offensive option the Eagles have and limiting their explosive scoring potential?

Yes, the Eagles won, but it’s more of a concern that Pederson can’t see the forest for the trees.

It makes no sense. Is he being stubborn? Does he not see what he has in front of him? Either way, it’s a huge concern moving forward in the season.

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I don’t know about you, but I missed Doug Pederson’s wide receiver screens

Forget about the Eagles only running the ball 13 times, or Doug Pederson acting like a toddler on Christmas morning and only playing with a cardboard box when his brand new LeGarrette Blount sits unloved on the sideline. No. What I missed most on Sunday was Doug’s dedication to his wide receiver screen game plan that has given the team so much success in the past.

How can you expect to keep a defense honest when you don’t throw in at least one or two wide receiver screens a game? You’re doing yourself a disservice when you don’t give Wentz the opportunity to throw a haphazard pass to an unprepared receiver 8-yard behind the line of scrimmage.

He let the fans down and he let his team down. Bring the screen back Doug, we beg of you.

Or at least run the ball more than 13 GODDAMN TIMES. Fuck my life. Mix in a draw once in a while so I don’t have to see Carson Wentz overthrow/underthrow every single pass he throws over 25-yards. Jesus.

Other game notes after the jump:

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If the Eagles lose week 2 against Kansas City is the season over?
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Photo credit: NJ.com

1-0 after week 1. Good job guys. Good effort. Great to get out of D.C. with a victory over the hated Washington Native Americans (name changed to keep this blog as a safe space) and come back to Philadelphia a winner.

Not so fast though. The season is in trouble, and anyone with a good pair of eyes can see it.

With a week 2 jaunt against the Kansas City Chiefs looming over the franchise, we have to face some serious facts about the season already.

If the Eagles lose against the Chiefs next Sunday, is the season over?

I say yes.

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Pennywise the Dancing Clown and the Eagles, a perfect match

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This week Stephen King’s horrifying “It” opens in theaters on Friday and the Philadelphia Eagles open their 2017 season this Sunday against the Washington Redskins.

One is a terrifying franchise that has haunted the dreams of its fervent fanbase for decades, and the other is movie about a nightmarish clown.

Now, to the untrained eye, neither of these two things have much in common. But, for the desperate blogger who has already run out of ideas, MAYBE THEY DO?!

If you’re unfamiliar with the novel, an evil spirit appears to children as Pennywise the Clown, who lures them to their doom in a sewer or transforms into their worst nightmare to murder them. So, if you’re scared of werewolves, he’ll appear as a werewolf. If you’re scared of draculas, he’ll appear as a dracula.

What if Pennywise the Clown was real and decided to terrorize the Eagles, what would he appear as? What do the Eagles fear most?

Maybe we should take a look.

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Jon Dorenbos is traded and Eagles Twitter vomits all over itself

jon-dorenbosBefore I start mocking the INSANE reactions to the Jon Dorenbos trade that so many decided to share on Twitter, it needs to be said that Dorenbos seemed like an insanely nice guy. His incredibly sad childhood and his determination to better himself through football and magic are inspirational and should PROBABLY be made into a movie one day (the Dorenbos role played by Miles Teller, obviously). Anyone who met him seemed to really enjoy him and had nothing but great things to say about him.

But let’s all calm down for just a second. He’s old, he’s a long snapper, and his younger long snapping replacement played well in his absence last year. When was the last time a GM actually traded a long snapper and got a draft pick for him? The answer? NEVER (I have no idea, but I’m too lazy to actually research this blatant assumption).

If he wasn’t a magician and hadn’t appeared on America’s Got Talent last year (which was awesome) nobody would have cared. Did anyone care when Mike Bartrum retired? YOU DID NOT.

On the bright side, he’s going to play in New Orleans, where the average resident thinks magic is real. BUSINESS WILL BE A BOOMING.

Let’s delve into the Twitter swamp. Did your asinine tweet make the cut? Let’s take a look after the jump.

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An Eagles season and the five stages of grief

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In 1969, Elizabeth Kubler published her seminal book on death and dying, titled…err…”On Death and Dying,” which first put forth the idea of the “Five Stages of Grief.” While working with terminally ill patients, Kubler observed that patients typically traveled through “five stages” after being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance have become the widely accepted stages of terminally ill patients and has been expanded to people going through traumatic or life changing events. While the stages may be different for each individual, the theory has proven to be a valuable tool in helping those coping with tremendous stress and anxiety in their lives.

Sounds like an Eagles fan to me.

After years of great wailing and gnashing of teeth watching the Eagles flounder through season after season, I’ve identified the classic five stages every fan experiences watching one of the most inept franchises in the NFL fuck its way through lost season after lost season.

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SHOCKING: Rhys Hoskins, newest Phillies call-up, can’t recall Eagles 2016 record

 

MiLB: JUL 26 Florida State League - Bradenton Marauders at Clearwater Threshers

Rhys Hoskins is already in hot water with Philadelphia (photo credit: MLB.com)

The Rhys Hoskins era is already off to a tenuous start in Philadelphia.

The eagerly anticipated Phillies call-up fielded questions from reporters this morning, but the first baseman/left fielder found himself in hot water after failing to correctly answer a fluff question from Phillies field reporter Gregg Murphy about the 2016 Eagles record.

“The Eagles start their preseason tonight against the Green Bay Packers, how do you think they’ll do this year?” Murph casually asked the 24-year-old slugger prior to his first organized practice with the team.

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Eagles veterans scaring rookies with training camp tales of haunted smoothie machine

jason20petersIn what has become a training camp tradition, several of the older Eagles veterans gathered the rookies around a roaring campfire on the first day of camp and filled their heads with horrifying visages of a haunted, vengeful smoothie machine that terrorized the roster “three years ago on this very day.”

“I was on the team three years ago when it happened. Strange things, weird things, horrifying things went down in this very facility,” Jason Peters told the rookie attendees. “You’d hear weird things at night…horrible fruits and vegetables being juiced and ethereal concoctions being created for the unfortunate souls it could catch. I saw it, you know, right over there in the commissary one night, pulverizing an entire bushel of carrots like it was nothing.”

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SCANDAL: Shorr-Parks admits to never attending an Eagles OTA, no journalist has
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Eliot Shorr-Parks is blowing the lid off of a massive Philadelphia sports media scandal.

In a stunning admission this morning on NJ.com, Eagles beat writer Eliot Shorr-Parks published a column apologizing to his readers after he admitted to not attending a single Eagles OTA this season, nor any over his entire journalistic career.

In fact, no sports journalist has ever attended an OTA in the past decade, he claimed.

The veteran journalist admitted to “just hanging out at a bar” for several hours each day with a number of other journalists from various city publications who were supposed to be covering the informal team workouts leading up to July training camp.

“Everything you read about OTAs in any of the newspapers in this city? All made up. Nobody actually goes to them, who would do that?” he wrote in a column published on NJ.com this morning. “We tried to cover them at first, but they’re so boring. Athletes running around in their shorts, playing catch? You try to crank out 1,000 words a day on that bullshit.”

“Where do they even hold OTAs anyways? Clearwater? No, that’s baseball…umm….Lehigh Valley? That sounds about right.”

Shorr-Parks decided to come clean this year, though, claiming he was feeling guilty about lying to his readers.

However, it’s believed he was forced to admit to his scam after accidentally publishing a screen shot from the NES classic “Tecmo Super Bowl” on his Twitter account over the weekend and trying to pass it off as action from OTAs.

“QB Eagles looks great this year! Really working hard on his touchdown celebrations,” Shorr-Parks wrote under the published photo.

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