76ers

Bryan Colangelo trades #1 pick for sack of magic beans

colangelo_headshotPhiladelphia, PA – Bryan Colangelo, GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, was sent to bed without his supper Tuesday evening after the local dunce traded away the rights of the number one pick in the 2016 NBA draft for a sack of magic beans.

Jerry Colangelo, Bryan’s father, expressly forbade him to trade the number one pick and had only sent him to market to purchase him a bottle of Centrum Silver.

Instead, Bryan excitedly returned home with a sack of red beans that he had swapped to the Los Angeles Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak.

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Sam Hinkie releases statement after 76ers receive #1 pick
sam

God damnit

God damnit, mother fucking piece of shit. Eat shit, eat shit and die all of you, you fucking pieces of garbage. Fucking cunt licking, smelly asshole, no good mother fuckers that wouldn’t know a good deal if it bit you in your 2-inch dick.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IN MY ASS.

Crap on a cracker, cum on a cracker, cum and crap on a cracker shoved into those Colangelo fruitcake’s mouths. Incest ridden shit fuck of a family, run me out of town, you fuckwads. Fucking fuck fuck fuck me with a stick.

I hope everyone in that franchise dies a horrible, horrible death. Steamroller accidents, immolation from molten lead, tragic welding mishaps….the more painful and horrific for your families to endure the better.

Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt fucking cunt needle in your eyes shitdick mother fucking dick up your ass the Colangelo’s can suck my two-foot dick.

Hinkster out, bitches.

NBA officials reportedly concerned with Phantom of Sam Hinkie disrupting draft lottery

Hinkie PhantomNew York City, NY – Documents leaked to the media this morning have revealed that NBA officials are notably concerned that the Phantom of Sam Hinkie will attempt to disrupt the proceedings of the 2016 draft lottery, scheduled to be held tonight at approximately 8 p.m.

Hinkie, the disgraced former GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, was believed to have perished in a great fire in his home office the night his resignation letter to the franchise was published by numerous media outlets.

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Jerry Colangelo arranges second partnership for 76ers jersey patch

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – Jerry Colangelo, Chairman of Basketball Operations for the 76ers, arranged a second corporate partnership this morning and announced the deal at a press conference earlier today.

Colangelo, who reportedly arranged and brokered the new business deal by himself without consulting owner Josh Harris, said the deal would allow for a large patch on the back of each jersey for the next three seasons.

“This is truly an exciting day for the organization. Not only do we have an agreement with StubHub to place a patch on the front of each jersey, but I have arranged for a patch from ‘Crazy Charlie’s Crematorium’ to be placed on the back of each jersey for the next three years,” Colangelo told the assembled media.

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Bryan Colangelo admits to ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ inspired scheme to gain GM position
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Bryan Colangelo (left), Jerry Colangelo (center) and Larry (right).

Philadelphia, PA – Just two days into his position as GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, Bryan Colangelo was forced to call a hasty press conference and admit to a months long scheme he employed after watching the 1980s comedy “Weekend at Bernie’s” last December.

Colangelo admitted that his father, Jerry, has been deceased during his entire employment with the 76ers. Jerry Colangelo was hired by the 76ers in mid-December as a special Chairman of Basketball Operations for the organization.

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Jerry Colangelo assures organization his precious son will be perfect as GM
bryanjerry

Look at these idiots.

Philadelphia, PA – A beaming Jerry Colangelo introduced his son, Bryan, the apple of his eye, his precious bundle of joy, the fruit of his loins, as the next 76ers general manager, taking over for the icky Sam Hinkie.

Gently rubbing his son’s shoulder as Bryan enjoyed an ice cream, Jerry said it was every father’s dream to oust a hard working employee from a position of power and to then fill it with their wildly under qualified and inept boy.

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Sam Hinkie leaves 76ers fans at time when they need him the most

Hinkie glassesPhiladelphia, PA – A tearful fan base watched forlornly as their favorite person in the whole world, their best friend, their buddy in arms, told them that he had taught them all they needed to know and it was time for him to leave.

“But why…was it something we did? We’ll be good, we promise! Please don’t leave us now, we just saw them win the 10th game of the season and the draft is coming up. Please, we love you,” a sobbing fan base told their pasty savior, as he looked down on them fondly.

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What does Doug Pederson’s head look like?

dougie-pWe struggled to figure out what to write on the blog today. Another post about Villanova? No thanks. Something about the Flyers and their march to the playoffs? Nah. The 76ers winning their 10th game of the season? The 25 remaining Sixers fans in this city would be annoyed and go to Facebook to complain.

So we really decided to dig deep and flex our journalistic muscle. We want to make a difference and write posts that people in this city will read and think about for the rest of their day.

So, here is a complete list of things we think Eagles Head Coach Doug Pederson’s weird head looks like.

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City of Philadelphia: ‘The 76ers season isn’t over yet?!’

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – With no NCAA tournament games scheduled for Monday, and during intermission between the first and second period of a pivotal Flyers game against the New York Islanders, the overwhelming majority of Philadelphia sports fan expressed their surprise that the Philadelphia 76ers 2015-2016 season had not yet concluded.

An entire city worth of sports fans, who clicked over to The Comcast Network to catch a repeat of Daily News Live, were shocked to see the 76ers in the middle of a third quarter bout against the Indiana Pacers.

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Joel Embiid, 76ers relying on controversial measures for his recovery

JoelPhiladelphia, PA – Two years ago Joel Embiid was rehabbing his foot injury with traditional methods. Lots of stretching, weight bearing at the beginning of the process, and then a gradual uptick in exercise and weight lifting.

As all 76ers fans know, this just didn’t work. Embiid was forced to undergo another surgery when his foot didn’t heal properly.

Perhaps needing another direction, the 76ers have embraced sports science and several controversial methods for their prize young center.

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