Philadelphia, PA – A beaming Jerry Colangelo introduced his son, Bryan, the apple of his eye, his precious bundle of joy, the fruit of his loins, as the next 76ers general manager, taking over for the icky Sam Hinkie.
Gently rubbing his son’s shoulder as Bryan enjoyed an ice cream, Jerry said it was every father’s dream to oust a hard working employee from a position of power and to then fill it with their wildly under qualified and inept boy.
“I assure the fans, Mr. Harris and Mr. Oneil that my son Bryan will be a great asset to this organization. Such a handsome boy, much nicer to look at than mean old Sam Hinkie. Isn’t that right Bryan?” He said to his middle-aged son who was named Bryan with a “Y” instead of an “I” for some reason.
He then hugged his son for an inappropriate amount of time.
“Sure Bryan has had his troubles. I can assure everyone he has been taking heavy doses of brain medication and is under a heavy cloud of opioids 24 hours a day ever since the unfortunate drafting of Andrea Bargnani,” Colangelo noted.
Bryan, of course, drafted the incompetent Italian center with the first overall pick in 2006 when he helmed the atrociously terrible Toronto Raptors.
“Let me just make this perfectly clear. This hiring is not due to nepotism. Bryan is a smart, capable young man. Isn’t that right, Bry Bry?” He asked his drooling son, who had ice cream smeared all over his hair somehow.
At the conclusion of the press conference, 76ers beat writer Keith Pompey asked Bryan how he felt about his new job, and Colangelo vomited all over the front of his suit.