76ers

Despite much needed reinforcements, Lebron James’ hairline making a hasty retreat

Philadelphia, PA – Two wars were being waged Monday evening, 76ers fans noted, as Lebron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers came into Philadelphia to take on the 76ers.

As Lebron took on the 76ers at the Wells Fargo Court, his hairline also waged battle against the ravages of age and male pattern baldness.

“What a talent, but he really needs to just give it up and shave his head already,” said Johnathan Ames, who was taking in the game with his young son. “More money than he could ever spend in one lifetime and he has the hairline of an 80 year old man. Really makes you think”

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Hinkie congratulates Okafor on fabulous debut, trades him to New York

Boston, Mass – Jahlil Okafor had his coming out party last night, scoring 26 points and snatching 7 rebounds in a 95-112 loss to the Boston Celtics, showcasing the offensive prowess that attracted so many teams to him in the NBA Draft.

76ers GM Sam Hinkie addressed the media after the game and was over the moon about Okafor’s performance.

“Jahlil showed everyone tonight why he had so much attention going into the 2015 draft. He absolutely dominated the low post and the center of the floor tonight, he was everything we expected and much, much more,” the beaming Hinkie said. “Which is why this next announcement is so hard for us to make.”

Hinkie revealed the 76ers traded Okafor after the game to the New York Knicks for center Lou Amundson and a second round pick in 2017.

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BREAKING NEWS: Furkan Aldemir will not leave 76ers practice facility

Philadelphia, PA – Rumors coming out of the 76ers front office today are claiming that recently cut Turkish athlete Furkan Aldemir will not leave the practice facility and has shown up for team meetings as if nothing has happened.

Aldemir showed up this morning as his confused teammates looked on, pulling an obviously homemade 76ers practice jersey over his head as he stood directly behind his old locker, which was now occupied by rookie forward Christian Wood.

“He just kind of showed up and everyone went silent. He was shaking hands with everyone as he laced up his sneakers and pulled on a jersey that said ‘Philadelfia basketbal 76erz’. He obviously made it last night, it definitely is not official. I guess he forgot he was cut? I don’t know, I’m not telling him.” the nervous Wood said after Aldemir went to use the restroom before practice.

Wood told reporters he found several scimitars, a silver carafe filled with a foreign looking bubbling substance, and several pelts of unknown animals left behind in Aldemir’s locker.

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Philadelphia earmarks millions of dollars for time travel on Back to the Future Day

Woah, that’s heavy.

Philadelphia, PA – Mayor Michael Nutter and the Philadelphia City Council unanimously passed a measure this morning during an emergency council meeting to earmark $1.21 million of the city’s budget to the development of a time travel machine.

The city government passed the measure on Back to the Future Day, the day Doc Brown and Marty McFly traveled to in “Back to the Future Part II” when they used their time traveling DeLorean to go into the future.

“It’s no coincidence we did this on Back to the Future Day. If you recall, Doc Brown and Marty McFly used their time machine throughout the series of movies to right the wrongs of the past and improve their current time period. We hope to do the same in Philadelphia, namely by traveling back to Thursday, June 26, 2014 and stopping Sam Hinkie from ever drafting that complete stiff Joel Embiid. It’s just one of the events we plan on changing when we finally develop a super-cool time traveling machine,” Mayor Michael Nutter declared during a mid-afternoon press conference.

The city hopes to develop a sleek time travel machine made out of a “super awesome Corvette” or “bitching dune buggy,” Nutter revealed Wednesday.

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76ers announce worst signing in history of franchise

Ahhhhh!

The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.

The Coggin Toboggan has long been a fan of Sam Hinkie’s “process” as it has become to be known in Philadelphia, but we just cannot get behind his decision to sign this horrific young man to a one-year deal.

Yesterday, Sam Hinkie (sigh) announced the signing of Simon Birch to a one-year contract.

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Joel Embiid kicked field goals today at Eagles walk through

Philadelphia, PA – Joel Embiid made a surprise visit to Lincoln Financial Field to visit with several members of the Philadelphia Eagles this morning for their walkthrough before their game against the New York Giants tonight.

He surprised even more onlookers as the injured center was spotted kicking several field goals during the walk through as well.

Embiid wasn’t going half speed as well, several representatives reported to the Coggin, as he had worked up “quite a sweat out there,” attempting multiple 30, 40, and 50-yard field goal attempts on the slippery surface.

The young 76ers center recently had a second surgery on his right foot, the second in two years, to take care of a stress fracture that has not let him play yet for Philadelphia. Embiid’s dedication to his rehabilitation program was called into question last week after a Sports Illustrated article revealed he shunned the healthy food provided to him by 76ers representatives and nearly came to blows with the team conditioning coach.

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Steve Rannazzisi admits to lying about leading 76ers in scoring in 2001 season

Yuck.

Philadelphia, PA – Popular comedian and actor in the FX series, “The League,” Steve Rannazzisi admitted today that he lied about leading the Philadelphia 76ers in scoring during the 2001 season and winning the NBA’s Most Valuable Player award for that year.

When confronted with information that proved he was lying about the claim he made on Marc Maron’s WTF podcast three years ago, Rannazzisi posted a statement on social media claiming he made a “horrible mistake.”

“It was a foolish, horrible mistake. I was not on the Philadelphia 76ers roster that day, nor have I ever been a member of any NBA team. I don’t know why I said this. This was inexcusable. I am truly, truly sorry.”

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What’s the deal with Joel Embiid and Harper Lee?!

Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice.

What’s the deal with Joel Embiid and his gimpy foot? One day you’re riding a Phunkee Duck through the city of Philadelphia, and the next day you’re sitting out for the rest of the year because you rebroke your foot! He’s broken his foot more times than Wayne Knight has had to refill his diabetes medication! I hated anyone who had a pony!

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REPORT: Joel Embiid getting fitted for peg leg

Philadelphia, PA – Reports coming out of the 76ers front office this morning are showing Joel Embiid suffered another injury to his oft-injured right foot.

While the medical information is differing, there were numerous reports this morning Embiid’s leg had been amputated beneath the knee sometime in the past month and was being fitted for a peg leg this afternoon.

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Newest 76er Jahlil Okafor trashes greenroom after draft interview

Brooklyn, NY – Smiling for the cameras and an interview with ESPN, newest 76er Jahlil Okafor vehemently denied reports his agent asked Philadelphia to not draft the Duke center, as he did not want to be part of a rebuilding process with the organization.

“No, no that’s absolutely false. I am thrilled to be with the Philadelphia 76ers and I cannot wait to begin my career with such a storied franchise. I am beyond happy to get on the court next year and help this team become the best it can be. Will you excuse me for just a minute?” Okafor said, abruptly ending his draft interview with an ESPN draft reporter.

The smiling Okafor calmly walked into a greenroom and closed the door, after which several observers said they heard loud crashes and a number of highly offensive expletives coming from the staging area.

“Whyyyyy, whyyyyyyyy, WHYYYYYYYYYYY! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!” Okafor was heard screaming from the room.

After several minutes of yelling, smashing, and what sounded like quiet sobbing, the still smiling Okafor exited the greenroom and said he just needed a few minutes to reflect on the momentous night.