76ers

Report: Boston Celtics asked “moon and the stars” for Jahlil Okafor

lee_ainge2_spts Philadelphia, PA – Boston Celtics president Danny Ainge confirmed over the weekend that he participated in discussions with 76ers GM Sam Hinkie that would have brought Jahlil Okafor to Boston.

Ainge, however, said the 76ers asked for the “moon and the stars” in return for the young, promising center.

“They wanted no draft picks, no players, Sam asked for something much different. All Sam asked in return for Jahlil was a poem that he said ‘would fill his cold heart with the human spirit’ and make him feel the ‘warmth of the human spirit’ in a harsh world,” Ainge said.

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John Smallwood blames trade deadline failure on those damned millennials

6a0120a6dde087970b0148c8734ba6970c-800wi Philadelphia, PA – Daily News columnist and reporter John Smallwood continued his tirade against young whippersnappers today when he placed the blame for the inactivity of the 76ers front office at the NBA trade deadline squarely at the feet of “those damned millennials” in this city.

“God damn millennials ruining sports in this town. All they care about is smoking that reefer and playing with their X-Stations and Play Boxes, they’re to blame for the state of my beloved 76ers. Why would the franchise do anything if these kids don’t care about wins and losses? I’d give my soul to go back to the days when the Sixers were a 7th or 8th seed each season and lost 4-1 to the Heat each year. Now THAT was basketball.”

“Sure they always lost and were lost in a stagnant quagmire with no hopes of improvement, but let me tell you that one win each playoff series when Lebron James was focusing on the next round was SWEET. IT WAS SWEET. It’s not always about championships, they respected the game. You have to learn to love the journey, not the destination.”

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Josh Harris orders thawing of Jerry Colangelo for trade deadline advice

A tortured soul.

Philadelphia, PA – Josh Harris summoned his closest advisors and 76ers scientists/technicians before deciding the time was right to order the thawing of cryogenically preserved Jerry Colangelo.

Harris decided the aged Colangelo’s wisdom was invaluable during this pivotal NBA trade deadline and would be worth the risk to go against the laws of nature and all that is considered Holy and dear to mankind to unfreeze the 76ers front office executive.

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REPORT: 76ers jealous of Sacramento Kings stability

nerlens-noel-pacers Philadelphia, PA – After blowing a late fourth quarter loss to the Sacramento Kings, several members of the 76ers looked longingly towards the Kings bench and wondered what it would be like to be part of a stable franchise.

The Kings are currently nine games under .500.

“Look at them. One star center, a few complimentary pieces, it must be nice to play in Sacramento day in and day out,” Jahlil Okafor said of the Kings, who for the past month have publicly leaked reports about firing despised veteran head George Karl and have players openly rebel against the franchise.

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Nicki Minaj apparently dating Jerry Colangelo

"The Other Woman" - Los Angeles Premiere - Arrivals Philadelphia, PA – After being spotted at the previous 76ers game, Nicki Minaj has been hanging around the 76ers offices at the Wells Fargo Center without boyfriend Meek Mill and has reportedly been spotted canoodling with Chairman of Basketball Operations Jerry Colangelo.

The 76-year-old Colangelo and 33-year-old singer Minaj were seen splitting a hot corn beef on rye sandwich at the Wells Fargo commissary, drinking sanka and smoking a bag of endo outside of Colangelo’s office.

The pairing has surprised many in the organization.

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I fucking hate Evan Turner

Every so often, the CT will check in with 76ers sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Current record: 6-39

I know its been a while since I took the time to talk to everyone, but losing takes a lot out of you. It really does, but when you lose to a piece of garbage like Evan Turner you need to get a few things off your chest.

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The Coggin Toboggan has intercepted Tony Wroten’s letter to Santa Claus

011514_tony-wroten_600 The Coggin Toboggan has acquired a copy of Tony Wroten’s letter to Santa Claus, which the recently cut point-guard allegedly mailed to Santa in early December.

It looks as if Jolly Old Saint Nick answered Tony’s Christmas wish.

Children around the world have taken delight in the knowledge that this letter PROVES beyond a shadow of a doubt that Santa Claus does exist.

The brief letter is after the jump:

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A (late) Festivus airing of grievances

he05wkm “I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT.” – Frank Costanza.

How, oh how could we have forgotten the most fun part of Festivus, the Airing of Grievances? The popular holiday, created by Frank Costanza who was tired of the commercialism and religious aspects of Christmas, urges followers to let loved ones know all of the ways they have disappointed them in the past year.

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Brett Brown declares “some asshole” will be next 76ers starting point guard

Not a happy camper.

Atlanta, Ga – Following loss at the hands of the Atlanta Hawks, Brett Brown gave a less than glowing response to a reporter when asked if he would stick with starting point guard Kendall Marshall for Friday night’s matchup against the New York Knicks.

Brown wasn’t quite ready to declare a permanent starter at the point guard position just yet.

“Is that really what you’re worried about right now? Who our team’s starting point guard is going to be against the Knicks? Let me tell you I have a lot more to be worried about than who is going to be running the ship for this team. You could put a monkey out there and he’d at least be able to throw some of his shit around the court and create a distraction to give us a chance in one of these fucking games,” Brown said.

“Some asshole will be starting out there at the point for us this Friday, I can assure you that,” he said.

The head coach, perhaps letting some of his frustration shine through his comments, continued.

“Who even started for us tonight? Kendall Marshall? I don’t even know who he is! Nobody in this city does. Nobody knows who any of these morons are, and I’m trying to win ballgames out here. Maybe Sam Hinkie can use one of his 8,000 second round picks to get me a player who doesn’t commit 500 turnovers a night and can average us double digits,” Brown said.

“Lord help me if I have to play that McConnell kid anymore. Every man has a breaking limit.”

At press time, Brown named TJ McConnell as Friday’s starting point guard as the 76ers traded remaining point guards Marshall and Tony Wroten for a pair of 2nd round picks.

Sam Hinkie caught trying to make several trades out of spite

sam-hinkie Philadelphia, PA – 76ers staff and executive had to forcibly break the door down of Sam Hinkie’s office Thursday evening, as the general manager reportedly tried to trade several members of the current roster for next to nothing.

Behind the barricaded door to his office, 76ers executives could hear Hinkie having a discussion with the Los Angeles Lakers that would have sent Jahlil Okafor to the west coast for Nick Young and a second round pick in return.

Hinkie is reportedly “not pleased” with the hiring of Jerry Colangelo, as several pundits think the move to bring on Colangelo will signal the end of Hinkie’s employment with the Sixers.

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