Philadelphia, PA – Optimism ran high at the Eagles voluntary workouts Monday morning, as franchise quarterback Sam Bradford returned to the facility to practice with his teammates after missing a week of workouts when he demanded to be traded.
However, the high spirits were quickly diminished as Bradford didn’t speak to a single one of his teammates and turned his back on questions from head coach Doug Pederson about how he was doing.
Happy Valley, PA – Following a breaking news report that claimed deceased longtime Penn State Head football coach Joe Paterno had been informed in 1976 of inappropriate sexual misconduct between Jerry Sandusky and a young boy, two sculptors who created two replica Paterno statues held an emergency brain storming session to determine which celebrity Paterno resembled most closely.
The original statue, commissioned and created in 2001, had been destroyed in 2012 following the rampant sexual abuse case levied against Paterno’s assistant coach Sandusky.
Philadelphia, PA – Noting that he had nothing to do today and it being Cinco De Mayo, Sam Bradford reportedly imbibed a half bottle of Zima he found in the back of his pantry and “got a little wild” on the Americanized holiday.
The Eagles quarterback, who is not participating in voluntary workouts, was puttering around his Haddonfield home Thursday morning when he came upon the bottle of Zima as he was cleaning out his pantry.
Not really sure why this bothers me as much as it does, but whoever run the Phillies twitter account is just awful at social media. Just nine tweets sent out during the course of a nine inning, three hour game.
What is he or she doing during the game? Are they catching a bullpen session? Are they just enjoying the grand old ball game? IS IT TOM MCCARTHY?!
It’s 162 game season, fellas, way to not burn out and waste too much material.
Yes it’s me, Barbaro, coming to you from the great stable in the sky. I didn’t want to take time out of my eternal schedule of eating oats, grazing on a never ending plain of Kentucky Bluegrass, and letting flies walk over my huge eyeballs without nary a care, but I need to get something off of my horse chest.
10 years ago I won the Kentucky Derby. One year late I died. I had a bad wheel, typically doesn’t go to well for us horses, as we prefer to have four functional legs. But what are you doing to do? I had a nice run and you know the risks when you get into the racing game. The dizzying highs, the terrifying lows…perhaps I trotted too close to the sun on hooves of sugar cubes, I don’t know. I’m a horse, and a dead one at that, what do I know about metaphors?
Philadelphia, PA – The two autograph seekers who booed Carson Wentz after the draftee denied them an autograph as he was being hustled through the Philadelphia Airport criticized Wentz for his “lack of class” and “immaturity” that the two middle-aged men clearly possess.
Wishing to remain anonymous, the first pasty autograph seeker (who by all accounts is well into the middle of his life, but has enough free time in his life to drop everything to stalk an athlete in the Philadelphia airport) said Wentz “really needs to grow a thicker skin” if he’s going to make it in Philadelphia.
Philadelphia, PA – In a momentous twist of fate, the Philadelphia Eagles selected former MTV VJ and host of Last Call Carson Daly in a draft day snafu that…you know what? I don’t have the energy for this today.
I am so tired. So, so tired. So guess what, we’ll be taking a day off from our usually scheduled shenanigans and hilarity for some well earned beauty sleep.
It’s a shame too, because this article was going to be HILARIOUS. Think about it, the Eagles accidentally selecting CARSON DALY instead of CARSON WENTZ. They have the same first name! Can you imagine Carson Daly playing quarterback for the Eagles?!
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!! OH MY GOD THAT IS TOO MUCH.
Oh my goodness, I need to calm down. Too much jocularity for one man to handle.
We’ll be back Monday with another post that hinges on one weak piece of wordplay or horrible pun, as per usual.
Just a good ol’ country boy.
Philadelphia, PA – On the morning of his first draft, Eagles head coach Doug Pederson revealed some insight into his draft day strategy and what would go into the thought process for his first organizational picks.
Rather than attend the draft in Chicago and be in the war room with his assistant coaches and front office personnel, Pederson said he would likely just mosey on down to the winding creek around back of his homestead and just “sit a spell.”
Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps after seeing a group of Sixers fan purchase a billboard in support of ousted GM Sam Hinkie, the remaining Eagles fans in the city collected enough money to purchase an advertisement in support of their beleaguered hero.
The group, who have dubbed themselves “Sam’s Slingers,” successfully raised $15.67 from its collective members, enough for a supportive ad for Bradford to be displayed on the side of a dumpster in an alleyway on Market Street.
Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps after digesting the news that the Philadelphia Eagles had traded for the second overall pick in this Thursday’s NFL draft, Sam Bradford reported to the organization that he was likely to take his ball and go home if the franchise selected another quarterback.
Stating that the Eagles front office had “pinkie swore” and Mr. Roseman had “promised” that he would be the starting quarterback next year, the under .500 quarterback who has never won a playoff game in his five-year career threatened to “never play for this stupid town ever, ever again” if not allowed to play quarterback for the 2016 season.
The Coggin Toboggan 