Philadelphia Soul to wear Figrin D’an jerseys in upcoming game
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The famed Figrin D’an of the Modal Nodes.

Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps taking a page out of the Reading Fightins book, the Philadelphia Soul are getting into the Star Wars craze and have announced they will don jerseys with a classic character from the beloved sci-fi franchise for an upcoming game.

The Soul will wear Figrin D’an jerseys against the Orlando Predators this Saturday, May 21.

Figrin D’an, as any fan of the series knows, is the lead Kloo Horn player and bandleader of the Modal Nodes. The Modal Nodes, of course, are the house band of the Mos Eisley Cantina and are known for their hit single “The Cantina Song,” which they perform on repeat for hours at a time.

The Soul are planning a night of festivities to honor the “most famous and well-known character of the Star Wars Franchise” during the special night.

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Bryan Colangelo trades #1 pick for sack of magic beans

colangelo_headshotPhiladelphia, PA – Bryan Colangelo, GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, was sent to bed without his supper Tuesday evening after the local dunce traded away the rights of the number one pick in the 2016 NBA draft for a sack of magic beans.

Jerry Colangelo, Bryan’s father, expressly forbade him to trade the number one pick and had only sent him to market to purchase him a bottle of Centrum Silver.

Instead, Bryan excitedly returned home with a sack of red beans that he had swapped to the Los Angeles Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak.

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Sam Hinkie releases statement after 76ers receive #1 pick
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God damnit

God damnit, mother fucking piece of shit. Eat shit, eat shit and die all of you, you fucking pieces of garbage. Fucking cunt licking, smelly asshole, no good mother fuckers that wouldn’t know a good deal if it bit you in your 2-inch dick.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IN MY ASS.

Crap on a cracker, cum on a cracker, cum and crap on a cracker shoved into those Colangelo fruitcake’s mouths. Incest ridden shit fuck of a family, run me out of town, you fuckwads. Fucking fuck fuck fuck me with a stick.

I hope everyone in that franchise dies a horrible, horrible death. Steamroller accidents, immolation from molten lead, tragic welding mishaps….the more painful and horrific for your families to endure the better.

Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt fucking cunt needle in your eyes shitdick mother fucking dick up your ass the Colangelo’s can suck my two-foot dick.

Hinkster out, bitches.

Scott O’Neil employs bold new ‘alienate the fan base’ strategy to strengthen franchise fan base

ap-sixers-scott-oneilPhiladelphia, PA – With the firing of GM Sam Hinkie and a desire to take the franchise to the next level, Chief Executive Officer Scott O’Neil has devised a bold new strategy to gain more fans of the beleaguered franchise.

For the past several days, O’Neil has gone out of his way to goad, embarrass, poke, and block the subset of fans on social media that have stood by the 76ers for the last three years that has seen a total of 47 wins.

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NBA officials reportedly concerned with Phantom of Sam Hinkie disrupting draft lottery

Hinkie PhantomNew York City, NY – Documents leaked to the media this morning have revealed that NBA officials are notably concerned that the Phantom of Sam Hinkie will attempt to disrupt the proceedings of the 2016 draft lottery, scheduled to be held tonight at approximately 8 p.m.

Hinkie, the disgraced former GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, was believed to have perished in a great fire in his home office the night his resignation letter to the franchise was published by numerous media outlets.

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Jerry Colangelo arranges second partnership for 76ers jersey patch

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – Jerry Colangelo, Chairman of Basketball Operations for the 76ers, arranged a second corporate partnership this morning and announced the deal at a press conference earlier today.

Colangelo, who reportedly arranged and brokered the new business deal by himself without consulting owner Josh Harris, said the deal would allow for a large patch on the back of each jersey for the next three seasons.

“This is truly an exciting day for the organization. Not only do we have an agreement with StubHub to place a patch on the front of each jersey, but I have arranged for a patch from ‘Crazy Charlie’s Crematorium’ to be placed on the back of each jersey for the next three years,” Colangelo told the assembled media.

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Maikel Franco won’t come out of apartment after watching Friday the 13th movies all night
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Maikel Franco, in happier times.

Philadelphia, PA –  Maikel Franco of the Philadelphia Phillies has been downgraded to questionable for tonight’s game against the Cincinnati Reds because the young third baseman cannot be coaxed out from his bedroom after staying up all night watching the Friday the 13th series.

Franco was missing for his schedule morning batting cage session and would not return phone calls from manager Pete Mackanin or teammates. When several team representative showed up to his apartment, he had reportedly barricaded the door to his  luxury apartment and would not answer the door for the rest of the day because “Jason was out there.”

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Jerry Colangelo will not attend draft lottery if “it goes to all hours of the night”

635848397075677000-sports-1-jerry-colangelo-12Philadelphia, PA – Chairman of Basketball Operations for the Philadelphia 76ers Jerry Colangelo told reporters this morning he would not be in attendance at the upcoming draft lottery if it “went to all hours of the night.”

The lottery selection is slated for Tuesday, May 17 at 8:45 p.m. eastern time.

Colangelo expressed his displeasure that the lottery selection event would begin at “such an ungodly hour” and he has usually adorned his night robe and night cap by that time each night.

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Joining Twitter the classiest thing Lenny Dykstra has done in years

031113_dykstra_600Lenny Dykstra, famed member of the 1993 Philadelphia Phillies that stole the heart of the city on their fabled run to the Word Series, joined Twitter yesterday in what was certainly the classiest course of action he’s taken in years.

Twitter, a festering breeding ground of casual racism, sexism, trolling, death threats, and general toxicity will likely be right up the alley of the man known as “Nails,” who has long cultivated an attitude of prickishness after his playing days were finalized in the 90s.

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Sam Bradford: ‘Doesn’t anyone care about my needs?’

031115_bradford_600Philadelphia, PA – Day two of Sam Bradford returning to practice with the Philadelphia Eagles resulted in much of the same as day one, with the temperamental quarterback openly pouting in the locker room and loudly having cell phone conversations with his “besties” well within earshot of his teammates.

The quarterback didn’t openly complain about how he was treated to his teammates or the front office, but could be heard grumbling to himself as the team ran through drills that “nobody cares” about “what I want” out of this situation.

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