What were you doing on the day of the Super Bowl in 2005?

I’m dying right now. DYING. Six hours to go until the Super Bowl LII and I can’t concentrate on anything else. Sure I took my kid for a walk this morning, but I was obsessively checking twitter for Eagles updates as he silently judged me from the stroller for my shoddy parenting. Kid, I know, believe me….but give me one day of being an absentee father, it’s been 13 years since the Eagles were in the Super Bowl and I’m a little fucking distracted.

I can’t stop looking at the torn Eagles poster from the Inquirer we haphazardly put in our window before the playoff run. It has seen better days, especially considering my kid wants to play with it every second (and by play, I mean fling it over his head and stomp on it until he gets bored).

I tried to recall exactly what it was I was doing back in 2005 in the hours leading up to the game. I was a senior at SUNY Binghamton and I made the three-hour drive to come back home and watch it at my buddy Kevin’s apartment in Queen Village. I 100% was not going to watch it with my jackass college friends (all Giants fans) who would have been giving each other silent smirks as I melted down into a pool of blind rage throughout the second half.

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This season has been the best I’ve ever had as an Eagles fan

Do you remember how you felt before the season started? Back in July before training camp kicked off? Most were predicting a 9-7 year, possibly 10-6, with a CHANCE to get into the playoffs, and that was with a healthy Darren Sproles, Jason Peters, Jordan Hicks and Carson Wentz.

Seven months later, after 13 wins and 3 losses, 2 shocking wins in the playoffs, the Eagles are two days away from playing in the Super Bowl.

The mother fucking Super Bowl. Against the mother fucking New England Patriots, same as they were 14 years ago in 2004.

But there’s a difference between this year and 2004. Can you feel it? If you’ve been in the city over the past two weeks since their domination of the Minnesota Vikings, if you’ve watched the nightly news, if you’ve seen the 8 million highlight videos of the year’s best plays…you can sense the difference. You can sense the joy, the happiness, the ELECTRICITY of a team the city has come to love above all others.

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Buying a dead Eagles fan’s pendant from the morgue is a surefire way to become haunted

Have you ever wanted the opportunity to own something creepy from a dead Eagles fan you didn’t know?! Well now’s your chance, weirdo.

Brian Hickey from Philly Voice published an interesting article yesterday on the city Medical Examiner’s Office giving the public the opportunity to own a dead Eagles fan’s pendant from beyond the grave.

The article explains that when a person dies and comes to the medical examiner’s office, their “personal effects” are given to the next of kin or stored for a year in the office and then thrown away.

Now, because apparently Philadelphia is so cash-strapped it’s resorting to selling the items of its dead citizens for PENNIES ON THE DOLLAR, the Medical Examiner’s Officer is auctioning off FIVE Eagles medallions/pendants to the highest bidder (currently at $93.04) and those who are the most enthusiastic about being haunted for the rest of their lives.

This is literally how 90% of the horror movies I’ve ever seen start:

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What happened to Minneapolis bars and restaurants keeping out classless Eagles fans?

Apparently it’s not as hard for Eagles fans in Minneapolis right now as Vikings fans led them to believe.

As hundreds of crestfallen (and butthurt) Vikings fans promised to start up Uber businesses this weekend to drive Eagles fans to wrong locations, created Facebook groups to organize meet-ups to throw trash at Eagles fans, canceled Eagles fans AirBnBs before the Super Bowl, denied Chris Maragos reservations, and generally promised to make life miserable for any Philadelphia Eagles fan that dared show up for the Super Bowl, it’s proving to not be all that bad for the throngs that made the trip.

I wanted to see just how difficult it would be to get a reservation for 10 Eagles fans on short notice in Minneapolis bars and restaurants near U.S. Bank Stadium. At the very least, I figured, the salty rejections from business owners would make for some good content.

It turns out that most business owners in Minneapolis aren’t as idiotic as the Vikings fans encountered on social media, because it’s QUITE EASY to make a reservation for 10 Eagles fans for tonight during prime dinner hours at just about any bar or restaurant within a mile of the Vikings stadium.

See just how much local business owners love Philadelphia Eagles fan after the jump:

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Boston sports talk host Alex Reimer may want to refrain from calling Tom Brady’s kid a ‘pissant’

You know, I’m sure WEEI’s Alex Reimer was just feeling his oats on Thursday. He’s part of the popular Kirk & Callahan Boston sports talk radio show, he gets to chat with Super Bowl bound quarterback Tom Brady on a weekly basis, he probably thought he had even built up a bit of a rapport with the famously mercurial Brady. Brady’s a dad, he knows his kid can be annoying sometimes, right?! I  mean, he’d probably get a kick out of a joke teasing his daughter for her behavior in that “Tom vs. Time” documentary. They’re buddies now, right? It will be great!

Oh Alex, no. No,  it will not be great. Don’t do it….don’t you dare do it.

 

He did it. Reimer, you poor son of a bitch.

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2018 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble

This Sunday the WWE is hosting its best pay-per-view  every year, as the ROYAL RUMBLE marches its way into our hearts.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 20 to 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.

This year, the Rumble is in our very own backyard, kicking off this Sunday at the Wells Fargo Center in front of 40,000 drunken, rowdy Philadelphians who yearn for the days of obese men putting each other threw tables at the old ECW arena.

What better way to honor the WWE’s best show by putting on our own knock-off event with far less athletic and well-known contestants? SOUNDS FUN TO ME!

Last year, everyone’s favorite Process Trusting nerd Sam Hinkie bribed his way back into the Rumble after eliminating himself before the event started. He teamed up with Joel Embiid to murder everyone in the ring, before betraying his star pupil to claim the vaunted Coggin Toboggan Championship belt for himself.

It was such a success that we’re hosting it again this year and opening it up to ANYONE AND EVERYONE with even a cursory relationship in Philadelphia. Are you a nobody athlete that had a cup of tea with the 87ers last season? God damnit, you’re eligible to make something of yourself. Do you stand a chance against a field of 30 hungry, grizzled veterans looking to raise their name to the rafters of the Coggin Toboggan offices? You sure don’t, but we’ll all have a good laugh at your expense as you bleed out on the ring floor.

Thirty of the most ruthless competitors have cast their lot with us to become an immortal champion for the city of Philadelphia. We’ve written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate for their particular skillset.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2018 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. May god have mercy on our souls.

(If you want to get caught up on the action,  you can read the 2017 rumble here or the 2016 rumble here.)

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Vikings fans coming to Philadelphia should read this Eagles fan attack survival guide

I get it, Minnesotans, I really do. You want to come to City of Brotherly love this weekend, take in some culture, maybe see what all the fuss is about with these cheesesteaks, and you want to cheer on your Vikings in a polite, but slightly rowdy, manner.

It SOUNDS like a great weekend, but what will you do when you’re face to face with one of nature’s most relentless killing machines, an Eagles fan with a bone to pick?

Sure, they may seem cute and harmless when they’re doing their little E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES chant all afternoon, but when they’re bearing down on you with the broken shards of an Old Crow whiskey bottle, do you know what to do to increase your odds of survival?

Throwing cheese curds or whatever garbage it is you people eat up in Minnesota won’t help you.

Remember, Eagles fans can smell fear. If you reek of it (which you likely will), you stand little chance. The first step in survival is knowing what to do to increase your odds of getting out of their with your life.

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Don’t miss out on the official Coggin Toboggan NFC Championship tailgate this Sunday!

Hey sports fans, the Eagles are back in the NFC title game for the first time since 2008 and you know what that means….tailgating brah! If there’s one thing The Coggin Toboggan knows, it’s how to throw a great party, so what better time to hold our first ever official Coggin Toboggan tailgate before the Eagles beat the Vikings this Sunday!

Sure, other blogs and websites hold tailgates for all of their fans, but there ain’t no party like a Coggin Toboggan party, because a Coggin Toboggan party don’t stop!

Here are all the details you’ll need to get your party on! E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!

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Coggin Toboggan Music Review: Cole Beasley’s “hit” rap single “80 Stings”

So this is a thing we do now, I guess, music reviews. Here’s what I thought about Cole Beasley of the Dallas Cowboys debut foray into the rap game:

What the fuck did I just listen to? REVIEW OVER.

(thinks it over…sighs)

Damnit. FINE. I’d be doing a disservice to everyone who enjoys hate listening to athletes getting their cockles on the rise and jumping into the rap game. Shaquille O’Neal did it, Deion Sanders did it, Allen Iverson did it….and now Cole Beasley of the Dallas Cowboys thinks he can do it.

Beasley is well known round these parts for his Twitter feud with Howard Eskin and the glorious, flowing golden blonde locks he sports under his helmet. My god, just look at it bouncing exuberantly about his strong, broad shoulders…..that is some serious lettuce you could just run your fingers through all day long. It makes you feel safe, like you’re loved….

Huh? What? Oh yeah, the song.

It sucks, but what did you expect? Did you really think some white loser who plays a poor wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys would produce a halfway decent song? OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T.

You know why you’re here….you’re here to laugh at someone who put themselves out there and tried to accomplish something they’re passionate about. Serves you right, Beasley, for trying to reach a childhood dream. What a loser, am I right gang?

(thinks about my own childhood dream of being a fireman….chokes back tears as I realize I’ve wasted my life)

::gazes over at a mirror:: Yeah….what a loser….what a big, fat, terrible ugly loser

Let’s all listen to this piece of garbage and run through the lyrics to this trainwreck after the jump, shall we?

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Is there any way the XFL could succeed a second time around?

Everyone’s favorite crotch-kicking, kiss-my-ass club founder senior citizen and owner/CEO of the WWE Vince McMahon is DEEPLY considering bringing the XFL back next year, and may even make the announcement on Jan. 25, 2018.

That may be kind of cool, right? Everyone remembers the XFL… the sprint to the ball before the game… “He Hate Me.” Remember him? OH GOD, WHAT A CARD. Who hates him? Oh yeah, he, he does. He hates him, so He Hates Me. It’s the 21st century version of an Abbott and Costello routine. Who hates him? FIRST BASE!

But more football can’t be a bad idea, right? They could learn from their mistakes, put out a better product this time around, and finally present an alternative league that could give the NFL a run for its money.

No thank you. Reviving the XFL would Vince McMahon’s worst decision he thought booking Al Snow and Big Bossman in a Kennel from Hell match would be a huge draw (wrestling nerds will get that…it’s hilarious, believe me).

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