BREAKING NEWS

Mayweather makes next bout official, plans to fight girlfriend

Las Vegas, Nevada – Two days after a signature win against touted rival Manny Pacquiao, Floyd Mayweather is already planning for his next bout, which he has declared will be against current girlfriend Doralie Medina.

Mayweather said the fight will be set for next weekend and will be scheduled to last at least 5 minutes.

“We’ve sparred before, but we’re going to make it official next Saturday,” Mayweather told media members at an impromptu press conference.

Mayweather said the fight will take place after Doralie slightly criticizes his choice of restaurant for the evening and will more than likely be held in his first floor living room. It may or may not be held in front of one or several of Mayweather’s stunned and crying children.

“She can move really well, great side to side vision, but I feel like I can use my quickness to really tag her and put her down for good. I think I’ll be able to take her cellphone too and delete any evidence that I laid my hands on her as well, should be a great fight,” Mayweather said.

Mayweather said he hopes this fight lasts longer than his previous bout with ex-wife, Josie Harris, whom he described as having a bit of a glass jaw.

As of press time, Mayweather’s camp had already denied Michelle Beadle and Rachel Nichols any access to the battered woman shelter his girlfriend would most likely check herself into after she realizes what a piece of human garbage she was dating.

Tennessee pick of Marcus Marioto leaves Marcus Mariota wide open for Eagles

Marcus Marioto, newest member of the Tennessee Titans.

Chicago, Illinois – In a shocking move Thursday night, the Tennessee Titans drafted 42-year-old arc welder Marcus Marioto out of Sheboygan number two overall, which went unnoticed by 17 teams until the Eagles selected Marcus Mariota at 20.

“Couldn’t believe it. How did nobody else not notice this,” Chip Kelly said, grinning from the Eagles war room.

It’s unknown if the Titans selected Marioto on purpose, or accidentally wrote the wrong name of the player they wished to select on the draft card submitted to the NFL. Apparently every team drafting after the Titans did not know Marcus Marioto was a real person and is now legally bound to play for the Titans next year.

“We see a lot in Mr. Marioto. If we can get him into any kind of shape, we think he’ll be a valuable addition to our team. Plus, he can definitely help cut down on maintenance in the stadium,” an obviously flustered Titans GM Ruston Webster. “Of course we wanted to draft him. We wouldn’t do something so insanely stupid as to write down the wrong name of the player. To think, a franchise’s future altered by the simple misspelling of a name. That’s rich.”

Webster stared sheepishly at the ground, not making eye contact once with Mel Kiper Jr. The two had to move the interview to a secluded area, as Titans fans in attendance pelted Webster with heads of cabbage and rotten tomatoes.

Marcus Marioto was reached for comment at his modest rancher in Sheboygan.

“It was a shock, sure, I had no idea how I was even eligible for the draft, but here we are,” the father of two and recent divorcee said. “Not sure how well my bad knee will hold up under the rigors of an NFL schedule, but I’ll give it my best.”

As of press time, Chip Kelly and Marcus Mariota were shotgunning celebratory beers in a parking lot in Hawaii.

Chip Kelly’s draft-night plan, a play in 9 acts.

Chip Kelly has been really working the phones just a day before the annual NFL, which will be held tomorrow. We’ve received word that Kelly has been using some interesting techniques to try and bend the opinions of NFL GMs and coaches to give the Eagles a better opportunity to select the player they covet.

We’ve received inside information into a recent conversation Kelly had via text message to Ruston Webster, Tennessee Titans GM. The Titans currently have the second pick in tomorrow night’s draft. Let’s take a look, shall we?

(more…)

The Coggin Toboggan’s guide to long shots of the Kentucky Derby

The Kentucky Derby will be run at Churchill Downs this Saturday, May 2, in front of thousands of onlookers and interested bettors. American Pharoah is coming into the race as the heavy favorite, with 5/2 odds to take the coveted derby crown.

But what about gamblers who are interested in striking it big with a long shot? Coggin Toboggan professional handicappers have taken a look at some of the lesser known and long shot horses who are running the race this weekend. Who might overtake American Pharoah and shock the world? Let our experts help you out.

Mr. Z (40/1) – Owned by Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford. Has run in just three races in three years, as he has torn a ligament or broken a leg during each run.

Bolo (40/1) – Accidentally ran the last two races clockwise. Will have to correct if he wants any chance to win on Saturday.

Danzig Moon (40/1) – The Coggin’s official dark horse pick. Danzig Moon has been described as the “bad boy” of horse racing by people who know this kind of thing. We can only assume this means he enjoys smacking around fillies in his stall, much like his owner Floyd Mayweather.

Ocho Ocho Ocho (40/1) – Embroiled in a tremendous scandal when his owner found him sniffing glue and eating jello before several races last year. Has been blackballed by the horse community.

Tencendur (66/1) – Odds of even placing in the derby are slim, as his owner cannot afford a car and has the horse pull a chariot for him to each race.

Chip Kelly completely spaces on upcoming NFL draft

Shit! We’re going to blow this, aren’t we?

Philadelphia, PA – A panicked Chip Kelly burst into the NovaCare Center Tuesday morning, hundreds of pages of print outs slipping from his hands as he sprinted into his office, screaming at his top officials to meet him in Conference Room A in five minutes.

“We spaced, we fucked spaced on the draft this week!” Kelly screamed, as he slammed hastily printed NFL draft cheat sheets from Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay onto the table in front of several nervous front office executives. “How did we do this? We had one thing to do for the rest of the offseason, one thing, and we completely forgot about it. Please someone tell me that they saw some of the college bowl games…god we are so fucked!”

Kelly glared at Ed Marynowitz, the newest front office member, before throwing a pile of loose leaf paper at him.

“I swiped these from that lump Michael Barkann when I saw him on the subway this morning. Four eyes, scour through those and see if he has any insights on players who declared for the draft. Did Winston declare? Did Mariota? We need to figure this out!”

Kelly lifted his hands to the heavens and shook his fists angrily at God before falling back into a swiveling chair, covering his eyes.

“We cannot fuck this up. These people will kill me. These fans….shit….these fans will not let me forget it if I mess this up. Do we go defense first? Offense first? Should we make a trade? Where are we drafting, 19 right? Or is it 20? Someone sign us up for ESPN Insider, I need answers.”

As of press time, Kelly was holding an impromptu press conference where he was reportedly blaming the debacle on Howie Roseman, who had been demoted to Head of Ticket Sales.

Ruben Amaro Jr. inspired after watching Bruce Jenner special

A very brave and courageous man.

Philadelphia, PA – After seeing the inspiring Bruce Jenner special this past week, in which the world famous athlete described his transition and inner struggle with becoming a woman, Ruben Amaro Jr. called an impromptu press conference this morning and invited past and present Phillies athletes to attend.

In his declaration to the media, Amaro promised a “breathtaking reveal.”

In front of hundreds at the press conference, a visibly shaken and nervous Amaro approached the podium, took a deep breath, and began his announcement.

“Ladies and gentlemen, for the past six years, I have been the general manager of the Philadelphia Phillies,” He said, stammering for a second before pausing to collect his thoughts. “This, this is much harder than I thought it would be. I watched Bruce Jenner on ABC this past weekend and he was so brave, letting people know who he really is. It’s about time that everyone knows the real me.”

“I just…people need to know. I need them to know the real me,” he said. He looked around the room and took a very deep breath. “People need to know that I’m not a winner. The real me, the real me to the core, is a complete loser.”

Amaro took a moment to dab at his eyes with a handkerchief and then continued.

“I know I had some good years with this team, but last year and this season have been the real me. I’m a loser, a big fat loser. Wow…that feels good. I can promise all of you that I will no longer pretend to be a winner in front of any of you. This is me, take it for what you will.”

As of press time, Larry Anderson was muttering to himself in the back of the room as he looked on disinterestedly.

“Who the fuck didn’t know that?”

Lenny Dykstra changes the roast game, simply stands up and leaves

Dykstra, looking like a milion bucks.

Philadelphia, PA – The energy was crackling at the Electric Factory Thursday evening as hundreds came out to see the roasting of Philadelphia sport legends Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams. Local comedians, athletes and media members all had their best material on hand to deliver a sound thrashing of the two embattled former Phillies.

Dykstra, however, had other plans.

“Before the first roaster even had a chance to get to the dais, Dykstra simply shook his head, stood up from his chair, and walked off stage. It was unheard of,” said Big Daddy Graham, the first scheduled comedian of the evening. “He absolutely ruined it for everyone.”

Graham was the first roaster scheduled to appear and approached the podium with a confused look on his face.

“Umm…well…uhh. You know, if Lenny was here, I would say something like, wow, how did you manage to have a worse post sports career Darren Dalton. He ranted about the end of the world and has a brain tumor, but people still wouldn’t take your life over his. Man, this is just not working.”

Unable to end the roast, presenters tried to tailor all of their material to Williams or broke down completely onstage, unable to improv anything in midst of the change.

In the case of Al Morganti, he did both.

“Hey Mitch, you chewed a lot of tobacco in your playing days, right? I bet you drunk drove a few times as well also, am I right folks?” He stammered at the podium, as the crowd and Williams looked on in silence. “Oh god this just isn’t working. Fucking Dykstra, what a piece of fucking shit. We go to all this trouble to put together an event and he goes ahead and just blows it all to hell.”

Morganti sobbed quietly onstage until he was escorted off by security.

As of press time, it was reported that Dykstra enjoyed a quite evening of doing cocaine and passing out in a rented BMW at 3 a.m.

Happy to help, Les

Hey, Les Bowen, if the extra publicity helps you do your job covering the Eagles, we’re all for it.

It’s no community service playground build, but we try to help. Thanks for reading Les!

As astute and dedicated reader @CrimJimmegan said: “Les Bowen is an old raisin.”

Couldn’t agree more.

UPDATE:

Oh yeah, Les blocked us after this came up. So why don’t you let him know what you think about our article and if the publicity will help him cover the team better? Let him know the Coggin sent you and please thank him for reading!

Les Bowen furious Eagles organization didn’t invite him to team shower after playground build

It’s outrageous that I not have access to team showers.

Philadelphia, PA – Citing his frustration at the new Eagles front office regime, Les Bowen took to Twitter yesterday and publicly voiced his opinion on how much more difficult it is to cover the players’ showers after games and public functions under Chip Kelly’s leadership.

Bowen was furious the organization did not allow him access to the team’s shower after a Wednesday afternoon community service event, where several players on the team roster had constructed a playground for Philadelphia children.

“Just another example of how truly frustrating it is to try and do my job,” Bowen said on Twitter.

“How can I do my job properly if I can’t speak to Connor Barwin while he’s soaping his biceps and lower back after a sweaty day’s work?” Bowen tweeted, continuing his rant on the public media forum.

The Daily News beat writer lashed out at several of his followers as they questioned his need to actually attend the group showers to effectively write about the team and its chances for next year.

“If you know of a better way to cover this team where I’m not naked and wet with the players, I’d like to hear it,” he posted.

Bowen then posted several images on his Twitter feed from his showers with several players on the roster from year’s past.

“I need to be able to cover this team to the best of my ability. If that doesn’t involve Matt Barkley scrubbing my back, then I can’t do my job.”

NFL: Pope Francis visit to Philadelphia altered Eagles schedule

Philadelphia, PA – As the NFL schedule for the Philadelphia Eagles was released yesterday, an interesting wrinkle faced by the schedulers was revealed this morning. The Eagles 2015-2016 schedule was directly altered by Pope Francis’ visit to the city of brotherly love in September, as the leader of the Christian world declared there was “absolutely no way” he would be in the same city as the New York Jets during his worldwide tour.

Philadelphia Cardinal Justin Francis Rigali sent the NFL a letter, respectfully asking the Eagles not play a home game during week 3 of the season during the Pope’s visit.

“There is enough suffering in the world that I have to see and attend to when I’m traveling, I don’t need my mood darkened by a third rate NFL team in my presence,” Pope Francis said in a letter to the NFL earlier this year.

Citing their lack of an NFL caliber quarterback, two washed up running backs and the “insanity of bringing back Revis,” Pope Francis declared the Jets to be an absolute train wreck.

In addition to the Jets not being allowed in Philadelphia during his presence, Pope Francis also asked that several other people and organizations not be in the city during his visit:

– “Please remove Howard Eskin from the city confines during my trip. I don’t need to hear his nonsense on the radio or even on Twitter.”

– “The less I see of Ruben Amaro Jr., the better, believe me.”

– “Sam Bradford may stay, but please tell him to stop sending me letters to heal his ailments. There’s only so much I can do during my trip.”

As of press time, Howard Eskin and 55 of his fur coats were dumped over Philadelphia city lines by Philadelphia Police and told not to come back until October.