BREAKING NEWS

Autograph seekers criticize professional athlete who is 30 years younger for immaturity

05012016-wentz-airportPhiladelphia, PA – The two autograph seekers who booed Carson Wentz after the draftee denied them an autograph as he was being hustled through the Philadelphia Airport criticized Wentz for his “lack of class” and “immaturity” that the two middle-aged men clearly possess.

Wishing to remain anonymous, the first pasty autograph seeker (who by all accounts is well into the middle of his life, but has enough free time in his life to drop everything to stalk an athlete in the Philadelphia airport) said Wentz “really needs to grow a thicker skin” if he’s going to make it in Philadelphia.

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Carson Daly selected by Philadelphia Eagl…you know what, who cares?

The Band Perry Performs On NBC's "Today"Philadelphia, PA – In a momentous twist of fate, the Philadelphia Eagles selected former MTV VJ and host of Last Call Carson Daly in a draft day snafu that…you know what? I don’t have the energy for this today.

I am so tired. So, so tired. So guess what, we’ll be taking a day off from our usually scheduled shenanigans and hilarity for some well earned beauty sleep.

It’s a shame too, because this article was going to be HILARIOUS. Think about it, the Eagles accidentally selecting CARSON DALY instead of CARSON WENTZ. They have the same first name! Can you imagine Carson Daly playing quarterback for the Eagles?!

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!! OH MY GOD THAT IS TOO MUCH.

Oh my goodness, I need to calm down. Too much jocularity for one man to handle.

We’ll be back Monday with another post that hinges on one weak piece of wordplay or horrible pun, as per usual.

Doug Pederson reveals draft day strategy: ‘Just gonna sit by the crick for a spell’
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Just a good ol’ country boy.

Philadelphia, PA – On the morning of his first draft, Eagles head coach Doug Pederson revealed some insight into his draft day strategy and what would go into the thought process for his first organizational picks.

Rather than attend the draft in Chicago and be in the war room with his assistant coaches and front office personnel,  Pederson said he would likely just mosey on down to the winding creek around back of his homestead and just “sit a spell.”

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Fans scrape together enough money to purchase ad in support of Sam Bradford

bra101548Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps after seeing a group of Sixers fan purchase a billboard in support of ousted GM Sam Hinkie, the remaining Eagles fans in the city collected enough money to purchase an advertisement in support of their beleaguered hero.

The group, who have dubbed themselves “Sam’s Slingers,” successfully raised $15.67 from its collective members, enough for a supportive ad for Bradford to be displayed on the side of a dumpster in an alleyway on Market Street.

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Sam Bradford announces intentions to take ball, go home

Sam BPhiladelphia, PA – Perhaps after digesting the news that the Philadelphia Eagles had traded for the second overall pick in this Thursday’s NFL draft, Sam Bradford reported to the organization that he was likely to take his ball and go home if the franchise selected another quarterback.

Stating that the Eagles front office had “pinkie swore” and Mr. Roseman had “promised” that he would be the starting quarterback next year, the under .500 quarterback who has never won a playoff game in his five-year career threatened to “never play for this stupid town ever, ever again” if not allowed to play quarterback for the 2016 season.

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Dave Hakstol’s wife alarmed by husband’s appearance after playoff loss
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This guy is an absolute mess.

Philadelphia, PA – A day after the Philadelphia Flyers succumbed to the Washington Capitals in the first round of the playoffs, Erinn Hakstol, wife of Flyers head coach Dave Hakstol, cited concern for her husband’s well-being after seeing his disheveled appearance at the Hakstol’s breakfast nook.

“Dave is normally so chipper in the morning, usually giving me a stoic ‘greetings’ when he sees me. Today he just dove right into his Wall Street Journal and didn’t even give me a rundown of his portfolio or make that dividends joke he has made each day for the past 13 years. I’m worried,” Erinn said.

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Donald Trump: “Ed Snider was a loser and I will make the Flyers great again”

donald-trumpPhiladelphia, PA – Donald Trump, a Republican candidate for the presidential nomination, held a competing memorial for Ed Snider in the Wells Fargo Center parking lot after he learned Snider’s will specifically banned him from any Flyers events for the rest of his life.

The blustering blow hard, speaking in front of an assembled group of mouth breathers and malcontents, denied that he had been kicked out of Snider’s suite during a playoff game for speaking too much during the action.

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Sweat-hog Marcus Hayes really steps out on a limb with his latest piece of garbage column
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Award-winning journalist, Marcus Hayes.

Marcus Hayes, professional sweater, spewed forth his latest piece of drivel and gave us this beautiful column.

“Hayes: Great move for Eagles, if Carson Wentz is great.”

You do NOT have to click on that link to get the gist of what he’s saying. Read the headline. Did you do that? Boom, you just read the entire article (which is over 1,000 words of sweat-stained drivel).

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REPORT: Howie Roseman addressed Eagles roster before blockbuster trade
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Roseman broke the news of the blockbuster trade to the roster before it was made public.

Philadelphia, PA – Howie Roseman addressed the entirety of the Eagles roster earlier today moments before he revealed the organizations decision to trade up for Cleveland’s second overall pick in the 2016 NFL Draft.

 

According to several reports, Roseman called the roster together and addressed them about the transaction.

“Today we felt we had received an offer from the Browns that was too good to pass up. We gave away several draft picks this year and several more in the year’s to come. Obviously this will definitely mean some changes to our roster,” Roseman said.

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Flyers already regretting planned game 4 handout for fans
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A member of the Philadelphia Flyers ice crew cleans up wristbands thrown on the ice during the game 3 loss.

Philadelphia, PA – Following several incidents during game 3 where fans threw pre-game giveaway bracelets onto the ice, Flyers front office representatives are re-thinking their decision to hand out Ed Snider commemorative paperweights to each fan attending game 4 of the NHL playoff matchup against the Washington Capitals.

The solid glass paper weight, which features a picture of the beloved owner Ed Snider, weighs approximately 10 pounds.

“Maybe we didn’t think this through. These are kind of heavy, aren’t they? Pretty solid. And the corners cut into these? They could do so some serious, serious damage,” said Joe Heller, senior director of marketing for the Flyers.

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