Phillies

Ruben Amaro Jr. openly wonders if he can get in on this D’Angelo Russell action

Ohio State Buckeyes guard D'Angelo Russell (0) drives to the basket in the first half of the college basketball game between the Ohio State Buckeyes and the Maryland Terrapins at Value City Arena in Columbus, Thursday evening, January 29, 2015. As of half time the Ohio State Buckeyes led the Maryland Terrapins 34 - 26. (The Columbus Dispatch / Eamon Queeney)

Philadelphia, PA – Impressed by the workouts and positive attitude of Ohio State point guard D’Angelo Russell, Ruben Amaro Jr. openly wondered if the Phillies could get in on some of this “sweet, sweet D’Angelo Russell action.”

“If the 76ers draft D’Angelo, could he come to a few of our games? Maybe shag some fly balls? He seems legitimately excited to potentially be playing for Philadelphia and we desperately need some positivity on this team. He seems like a bright young man, and someone who wouldn’t openly yell at Bob (McClure, Phillies pitching coach) about his inability to use the bullpen phone correctly.”

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Ken Giles explains reason for blowup: I’m on the Phillies

Ken-GilesPhiladelphia, PA – After a blowup on the mound and in the dugout during Friday nights game with the Pirates, Ken Giles explained his heated argument with several of the Phillies coaches.

“It’s not a big deal. It’s just, I’m on the Phillies, it’s nothing out of the ordinary,” Giles explained to reporters. “I have these freak outs all the time. I just feel badly that this happened on the field. I usually blow up in the clubhouse or in the privacy of my own home.”

Giles went on to explain most of the members of the roster have their own separate freak outs with their frustration with being on one of the worst teams in baseball. It has become so commonplace, he said, management doesn’t even fine or punish players for berating coaches and executives.

When asked for more details, Giles said Chase Utley has broken about 87 bats in the locker room this season alone and wrestled Ryne Sandberg to the ground and rubbed pine tar all over his face when the skipper told Utley he would be sitting a few games.

“Everyone does it. I’m disappointed in myself for doing it in public. I should have waited until the game ended and really laid in that little weasel Larry Bowa. He is the worst. It’s a great way to blow off steam when you realize you’re on this horrid team and Ruben Amaro is going to botch any trade you may be involved in.”

As of press time, Giles had reportedly gotten in Bowa’s face and was spitting sunflower seeds into the bench coaches hair.

I only know two things in this world: Garbage is delicious and Ruben Amaro Jr. is the worst
Snickers the possum.

Snickers the possum.

Hey! Yes, it’s me, Snickers the possum. Ridiculous name for a possum, I know, but my mother was a touch rabid when I was born and she started to name us after pieces of trash she found on the ground in a virus laden haze. I don’t know for certain why she named me this, but if there is one thing I do know for certain, it is that Ruben Amaro Jr. is the worst general manager the Phillies have ever seen.

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Editor’s Note: Call me Mr. Positivity
Yay sports!

Yay sports!

A reader of the site told me today he’s noticed the Coggin Toboggan is nothing more than a hotbed of negativity, snark and depressing article after depressing article making fun of the Philadelphia sports scene.

Personally, I just don’t see it. Does he have a point? I don’t think so, but in order to be fair and to serve all of our readership, I figured I would dedicate an entire article to all the positive aspects of Philadelphia sports we as fans should not take for granted.

Sure, all of our teams right now are middling at best and this summer will be a wasteland of hard to watch baseball, manned by one of the most incompetent GMs in all of sports, but there ARE things we can enjoy in our sports scene. Why don’t we take a look, shall we?

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Ruben Amaro Jr. fulfills lifelong dream of appearing on Price is Right, overbids on every item

the-price-is-right-instagram-contest-tracking-trendz1Philadelphia, PA – Ruben Amaro Jr. got to live out one of his dreams on Wednesday, as the Philadelphia Phillies general manager went to a recording of the popular and long-running CBS game show “The Price is Right” and was chosen as one of the first individuals to appear on famed Contestant’s Row.

Amaro’s appearance on the show quickly became a laughingstock and viral video sensation as he overbid on every single item presented to contestants by host Drew Carey.

Things didn’t start out well for Amaro, as contestants were presented with a can of Del Monte wax beans and asked to guess the retail price without going over.

“Del Monte? Our scouts love Del Monte, they’re high on Del Monte, I know that,” Amaro Jr. said, as Carey asked him to initiate the bidding. “Drew, I’ll bid $600. That’s a quality bean and will serve us well in the future. The fans behind me may not like Del Monte wax beans or my bid, but they just don’t know this game. I know the Price is Right.  All they do is bitch and complain, so what do they know?”

The retail price for the beans was $2.59. Members of the audience roundly booed a confused Amaro Jr. for his comments.

“You misunderstood, I just said a portion of you were ignorant pigs, not all of you!” Amaro pleaded, before a large root beer was poured down the back of his shirt.

And so it went. In the second round of bids, Ruben Amaro Jr. unsuccessfully bid $10,500 for an iPad Mini and then $980 in the third round for a collection of four Kohl’s brand Izod collared shirts.

“I don’t understand it,” a flabbergasted Amaro said. “How am I so bad at this?”

Breaking from show procedure, Amaro Jr. realized he would not be successful as a contestant and decided to trade away his position on contestant row to a lucky member of the audience. Despite repeated warnings from Carey that it was not a good idea to trade away his future as a contestant, Amaro Jr. decided to listen to his gut and press forward.

After no contestant jumped at his initial asking price of $10 million, Amaro Jr. found himself watching the rest of the show from the audience after he completed a successful trade with Agnes Klornfield of Tulsa, for a half-full tin of Altoids and an old lifesaver she found wadded up in a napkin in her purse for his spot.

“No regrets. Sure this lifesaver is old and has crud on it, but I’m very excited about the Altoids. I think they’re really going to do my breath some good in the future if they can ever be brought up to my mouth from their container,” Amaro Jr said.

As of press time, Amaro Jr. had spilled the tin of Altoids over the studio floor.

Ruben Amaro frantically trying to reach Sepp Blatter
Newest member of the Phillies front office.

Newest member of the Phillies front office.

Philadelphia, PA – Upon hearing embattled and corrupt FIFA President Sepp Blatter had resigned from his position, Ruben Amaro Jr. was seen sprinting to his office as he frantically looked up the international country code for Switzerland.

“This guy has got the goods and we need to reach him RIGHT NOW,” Amaro could be heard screaming at a frazzled assistant, who was trying to find a contact number for Blatter. “He has the knowledge and the experience to be a perfect front office member for our organization, GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET ME THAT NUMBER.”

Representatives claimed it was the most energetic and passionate they have seen Amaro since he inked Chad Billingsley to a minor league contract earlier this year.

Amaro smashed his second generation Blackberry against his desk when his assistant could not reach Blatter by telephone.

“Get his email address, we need him in this organization and we NEED HIM NOW. I’ve never been more sure of something in my entire life. Fans will love this guy, offer him anything he wants, JUST DO IT NOW!” ruben

As of press time, Amaro had reached a confused Blatter and was trying to explain the rules of baseball to the 79-year-old corrupt president.

UPDATE: Amaro successfully inked Blatter to a lifetime deal, worth $5 million for every year Blatter serves in the front office. He then named Blatter as his successor as GM.

Bartolo Colon ejected for suspiciously delicious foreign substance on arm during yesterday’s start
colon

Bartolo eats because he is unhappy, and unhappy because he eats. It’s a vicious cycle.

New York, NY – Bartolo Colon, starting pitcher for the New York Mets, was ejected from his start after Philadelphia Phillies manager Ryne Sandberg alerted home plate umpire Larry Vanover to a strange substance on the pitchers forearm.

Upon closer inspection, Vanover found the substance was blue cheese dressing. He was able to confirm the substance’s presence even though Colon frantically tried to lick the condiment off of his forearm before the umpire could reach the pitcher’s mound.

Through a brief search, Vanover also found several buffalo wings stowed away under Colon’s cap. As he left the field, several pieces of celery fell from his pockets and a number of wet naps could be seen sticking out of the back pocket of his uniform.

A closeup of the embattled and rotund pitcher showed his face was smeared with hot sauce and several pieces of chicken were stuck in the folds of his neck fat.

“Frankly, there’s no place for it in baseball. We fully expect Bartolo to be suspended and we will be sending him to an emergency Weight Watchers meeting as soon as possible,” New York Mets manager Terry Collins told the media after the game was concluded.

Colon was not available to take media questions after the game, as he said he had some pressing matters to attend to at the clubhouse buffet

Maikel Franco shows up to Phillies clubhouse with sleeping bag, Avengers backpack
What, are you going to cry now?!

What, are you going to cry now?!

Philadelphia, PA – Maikel Franco, called up to the Phillies for the first time this season from AAA, showed up to the Phillies clubhouse this afternoon timidly clutching a sleeping bag and wandering around aimlessly looking for his locker.

Despite having spent a few weeks up with the big team last fall, Franco looked bewildered and nervous as his teammates hustled and joked around him.

Barely bringing his voice above a meek whisper and with tears starting to well up in his eyes, Franco approached Ryan Howard and asked the veteran slugger if he could point him in the direction of his locker.

“Rookies don’t get lockers until they smell this,” Howard said, grinning as he held up a jockstrap to Franco.

Franco quickly turned and walked away from a cackling Howard. He spent the next 20 minutes watching his teammates get ready for hitting practice from the entrance of the clubhouse restroom before a bat boy escorted him to his locker.

After depositing his backpack and sleeping back in the locker room, the embarrassed and intimidated rookie reportedly took his uniform into a utility closet to change. Upon exiting, he was greeted with howls of laughter and points from his teammates, who noticed the frazzled Franco had accidentally put his pants on backward.

Quickly retreating back into the closet to fix his pants, Franco scrambled to his locker and spent the remaining time before practice quietly whispering to his Iron Man action figure.

“They’re so mean to me Tony…I want to be back at Reading with my friends,” he said to his Avengers: Age of Ultron Iron Man action figure. “Everyone is so much bigger and older…I don’t think I can do this.”

As of press time, Franco had reportedly called his mother and requested she pick him up from Citizens Bank Park and bring him home. She reminded Franco that she and his father currently live in the Dominican Republic, and for him to send money soon.

Cody Asche optioned to big farm upstate to transition to happier life
Asche

He’ll be so much happier now.

Philadelphia, PA – Following a 4-3 loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates Monday night, current third baseman Cody Asche was optioned to a big farm with plenty of wide open spaces to transition into a much more happier life than the Phillies could ever provide for him.

“He’s going to a big farm where he’ll have plenty of space to run around, to dance and prance among the poppies, somewhere he’ll be much, much happier,” Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. reportedly told the clubhouse after the game. “He’s going to like it so much better there.”

The 24-year-old third baseman was reportedly seen being loaded into a nondescript white van and transported away from the stadium after the game.

Several members of the roster expressed confusion as to why Asche had to leave.

“But…but Rube…why did Asche have to go. Will we ever see him again?” A tearful Ben Revere asked the GM, sitting atop Amaro’s knee in the clubhouse.

“Cody just needed to be somewhere else. It wasn’t because you were a bad boy, he just wasn’t going to become the best ballplayer he possibly could with our organization. No, no Ben, we can’t visit him. His new family would be much too sad. This is better for all of us.”

As of press time, observers noted hearing a loud shotgun blast from the van transporting Asche. The vehicle then made a sharp left and started to drive towards the waterfront.