Philadelphia Eagles

Meet the new Philadelphia Eagles

Philadelphia, PA – Following one of the most storied days in free agency history in Philadelphia, the Eagles have two new prized running backs that will be taking the field in 2015-2016.

Chip Kelly and company inked both Demarco Murray and Ryan Mathews to substantial contracts for the upcoming seasons. Sure, we know what they can do on the field, but what about the men behind the facemasks?

The CT has collected a detailed look on both Murray and Mathews. Here are several facts that you may not know about the two newest Philadelphia Eagles.

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Demarco Murray signs with the Eagles for a song and a kiss

A truly tortured soul. May he find contentedness in Philadelphia.

Philadelphia, PA – Demarco Murray landed in Philadelphia this morning and the spurned running back signed with the Eagles for a “song and a kiss.”

Describing himself as “extremely vulnerable,” Murray said he was disappointed that the Cowboys cast him aside and just wanted to have the “sweet caress of a song run through my ears.”

“I want no money. I have more money than any man could ever spend in a lifetime,” Murray said, taking off a pair of Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses to show his saddened eyes. “But what about a man’s soul? To receive something that touches upon a man’s inner being is worth more than all the gold and bullion in the world.”

Upon signing his contract, Chip Kelly tenderly kissed Murray on top of his forehead and launched into a stunning aria of “Ave Maria.” The music flowed lovingly from the head coach’s lips, bringing the elite athlete to tears.

“Paid in full, Mr. Kelly, paid in full,” Murray said, sobbing as he collapsed in Chip’s arms.

It’s not yet known how the contract will effect the Eagles cap space moving forward.

BREAKING:

The CT has received a recording of Kelly’s aria here.

Chip Kelly: We won’t mortgage our future, but we will reverse mortgage it

Real estate tycoon Chip Kelly.

Philadelphia, PA – At his press conference yesterday to address the recent Eagles wheelings and dealings, Chip Kelly stressed to reporters that he would not mortgage the team’s future to obtain Marcus Mariota in the 2015 draft.

He did, however, say a reverse mortgage would not be out of the question.

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Stephen A. Smith: These are the moves of someone who is not, NOT a racist

Stephen A. Smith looking his best on ESPN First Take.

Philadelphia, PA – Continuing a three day tirade against Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly, Stephen A. Smith tripled down today on his “entertaining” First Take show on ESPN 9. Smith had several harsh words for the trade the Eagles completed, bringing in Sam Bradford for Nick Foles and a bevy of picks.

“Are these the moves that a man who isn’t a bigot would make? ARE THEY?!” Smith screamed at co-host Skip Bayless, spraying flicks of spittle on his face.

“Where’s the brother involved in this deal? Why does he never trade for a black man? If this were the 1950s he’d be manning the hoses as he washed all of the African Americans out of that locker room,” he screamed into the camera.

“But don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying anything, you just have to read between the lines with me. I’m subtle like that, isn’t that right Skip?” Smith said, somehow still yelling during a calm moment of the show.

Bayless tried to answer Smith, but couldn’t be heard over the loud boos raining down on him from outside of the studio.

“I know Philadelphia. I love Philadelphia, and Philly loves me,” Smith said, despite the fact that he is abhorred by the majority of sports fans in the city, who wouldn’t slow down on the street to help him up if he fell and broke his hip. “I speak for the city, and man, they are not happy with this old guard, deep south fool.”

Bayless cackled along with Smith, nodding his head vigorously.

“I even have a source telling me that Kelly put an order down recently for at least five purebred German shepherds. You know who loves those dogs. But I’m not saying anything, I’m not,” He said, winking at the camera as he pointed to a Confederate flag.

Smith wrapped up the segment and immediately had his contract re-upped by ESPN for another 10 years.

Philadelphia put on 24-hour suicide watch

RIP.

Philadelphia, PA – Following a day that saw Nick Foles and several draft picks traded for oft-injured quarterback Sam Bradford, the city of Philadelphia has been placed on a 24-hour suicide watch.

“We feel that with everything going on with the Eagles right now, this measure must be taken,” Mayor Michael Nutter said. “Calls have flooded into city hall since last night, detailing instances of city sports fan feeling depressed and not knowing if it’s worth going on.”

As such, city residents have had their shoelaces confiscated and their bed sheets removed to make sure no hangings take place in the next 24 hours.

BREAKING NEWS:

The suicide watch has since been expanded to 72 hours after the news that Ryan Mathews was signed by the Eagles this morning and former Gov. Ed Rendell was found dead in his home from a shotgun blast to the head.

Editor’s Note: It’s safe to assume Chip Kelly has a brain disease

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Just awful. I think I’d be happier if it had been confirmed that Chip Kelly was a racist instead of the move he just made.

Chip Kelly has gone insane. INSANE. Really not a lot to say anymore. This move was the move of a syphilitic brained man who has too much power and nobody to keep him in check.

Chip Kelly is now the the John E. DuPont of the NFL. He has slowly descended into madness, until one day for no reason he decides to take a ride in his car and pull up to both Lesean McCoy and Nick Foles to shoot them both in the stomach.

Do you have a problem with me?! ::shoots both Foles and McCoy::

Sam Bradford and a 2nd round pick for Nick Foles. Bradford hasn’t played in a game since 2013. His best season saw him throw 21 touchdown passes (when he had two healthy knees). He’s not mobile and won’t be gaining any mobility coming off a second knee surgery.

Nick Foles never played a game last season where he started behind an intact offensive line, yet still went 6-2.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Frank Gore spurns Philadelphia: I won’t play in same city as the Mütter Museum

Frank Gore, apparently looking to see if any skeletons are nearby.

Philadelphia, PA – Despite news coming out of the weekend that free agent Frank Gore would sign a three year deal to play for the Philadelphia Eagles, reports started to leak onto the internet yesterday that the running back was hesitating about his decision and was now leaning towards playing for Indianapolis.

Gore confirmed those hesitancies after taking a call with CT reporters. The 31-year-old running back told the CT that he would never play in the same city as that “scary ass museum” and it would “give me nightmares for years knowing it was there.”

“Nah man, I’m not playing in that city with that weird mummy museum, no way. Frank’s no dummy. You’re telling me those skeletons don’t come alive at night and roam the streets of Philadelphia? I’ve seen those Night at the Museum movies, I know what goes on in those places.”

When asked how that would be possible, Gore reportedly said “skeleton powers.”

The seemingly stable and mature athlete proclaimed he wouldn’t take that chance and was going to play for Indianapolis.

Three Mutter Museum skeletons, which may or may not have skeleton power.

“I heard they have like a whole room of skulls and an entire room filled with little dead babies in glass jars. No way I’m taking the chance of going there and having one of them open their cold, black eyes, locking their vision on me to put a hex on me or something, no way.”

When told he wouldn’t have to visit the museum during his tenure in the city, Gore responded that simply being in the same city as the museum was enough.

A Mütter Museum representative, when reached for comment, would not confirm or deny reports that the museum’s skeletons came alive at night to feast on the flesh of the living.

Oh Jason….why do you do this to us?

So Jason Babin has blocked us on Twitter. Why? I have no idea. Jason, we do this because we love you, don’t you know that? I mean, it’s your fault, really, when you get right down to it and think it through (not your strong point, but that’s ok).

But since he blocked us on Twitter, maybe our readers can tweet the article below to him, let him know that the CT still loves him and will continue to follow his career.

Let him know for us!

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Dimwitted Jason Babin eagerly awaiting trade to Eagles

Moron.

New York, NY – With so many moves being made over the weekend, dunderheaded defensive end Jason Babin has been sitting eagerly by his phone since Sunday evening, convinced the Eagles will be contacting him soon to reunite the 2011 dream team.

“Do you see what those guys are doing? They’re spending all of this money, they’re bringing the dream team back together!” The dimwitted Babin said. “I can’t wait to get back in that locker room. Those guys loved me.”

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Chip Kelly’s plan apparently to give Angelo Cataldi a massive stroke

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Here at the CT, we are big fans of the moves the Eagles are making (not so much the decision to not re-sign Maclin, but everything else is going fairly well). They all make sense financially, talent wise, and show a desire from the franchise to explore new options instead of doing the same things over and over again.

An added benefit of the bevy of roster moves being made by the Eagles is the effect they will have on the local media, especially one Angelo Cataldi.

We’re not huge fans of the notorious flip flopper and anything that will take an extra step into handing him a massive stroke is just fine by us.

He’s been on the air for a few hours by now. Is his speech slurred? Has he been nonsensical? Ahh perfect.

In other media news, Howard Eskin tweeted this out at 9 p.m. Sunday evening.

That’s about an hour after the news of Maclin’s plans to sign with the Chiefs was all over Twitter. Really not breaking any news there Howard.

Also, note the twitter handle. Yeah, that’s not Jeremy Maclin’s. It’s this fellows.

That’s some great reporting, Howard.